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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 year old in the ladies. Is it okay?

434 replies

LoveFridaynight · 13/05/2025 08:52

At what age would people feel uncomfortable to have a child of the opposite sex in the "wrong" toilet?
I was told off yesterday for taking my nearly 5 year old son in to the ladies. A woman in there said he should use the men's. No-one has ever said anything like this to me before. I could understand if he was a teenager or something but a young child?
Really? On his own? At 5? Not that he could anyway as he's autistic and not toilet trained so I needed to change his nappy.
I thought afterwards I should have used the disabled toilet but I try to avoid that incase someone who can only use the disabled toilet comes along. I think I will just do this in future though.
But regardless of disability I don't think children under the age of 9 should be in the toilet on their own.
What are your thoughts on the age a child should be using the "right" toilet?

OP posts:
Breadwinner666 · 13/05/2025 13:21

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YosemiteTrail24 · 13/05/2025 13:23

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/05/2025 13:18

… as long as he is under 8.
If he is older but can’t use the men space because of a disability then he can use the disabled space.

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Last time I checked there isn't anything that legally stops you taking a 9 year old in so its whatever the mother finds acceptable for her child.

Breadwinner666 · 13/05/2025 13:24

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aster10 · 13/05/2025 13:24

DrPrunesqualer · 13/05/2025 12:18

A 5 year old can’t be expected to go into the mens on their own
If you ( or they ) feel uncomfortable sending your male child ( when they are older) into the mens on their own you should use
communal facilities
ie accessible toilets
ie family toilets

They are there to facilitate anyone that needs them. They are enclosed

before anyone comes back with ‘no they are for disabled people only’. No. They are Not now and Never have been. They are accessible only and for all who need them for whatever reason.

These accessible toilets, are these the ones that are typically marked with the wheelchair sign? Or do you need to look for a different sign? I let my boy and girl twins change quickly for their lesson in our leisure centre in these types of toilets, but I feel guilty towards the disabled people, although there has never been a problem (we occupy it once a week for 5 minutes, and there are two of them).

mindutopia · 13/05/2025 13:24

It’s mind boggling that grown women don’t feel safe with biological males using the same bathroom as them. 🙄 But a young child should feel perfectly safe going and using a bathroom alone with strange men.

My son is 7, but he’ll be coming into the ladies with me until we both feel safe for him to go into the men’s alone.

Breadwinner666 · 13/05/2025 13:25

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SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/05/2025 13:26

YosemiteTrail24 · 13/05/2025 13:23

Last time I checked there isn't anything that legally stops you taking a 9 year old in so its whatever the mother finds acceptable for her child.

Show quote history

Lots of things are legal but antisocial and/or not accepted in our society.
Why are you so opposed to disabled children using the disabled facilities when they can’t access the designated one because of their disability? This is not illegal either?

Bigcat25 · 13/05/2025 13:26

Just ignore her.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/05/2025 13:28

mindutopia · 13/05/2025 13:24

It’s mind boggling that grown women don’t feel safe with biological males using the same bathroom as them. 🙄 But a young child should feel perfectly safe going and using a bathroom alone with strange men.

My son is 7, but he’ll be coming into the ladies with me until we both feel safe for him to go into the men’s alone.

Edited

Mind boggling that a mother of boy(s) can’t imagine that a 10yo girl starting puberty won’t be comfortable with an 8+ boy there.

As a grown woman, of course I don’t care about an 8-9-10 yo boy there, but this is not just about grown women.

YosemiteTrail24 · 13/05/2025 13:30

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/05/2025 13:26

Lots of things are legal but antisocial and/or not accepted in our society.
Why are you so opposed to disabled children using the disabled facilities when they can’t access the designated one because of their disability? This is not illegal either?

Show quote history

I'm not but if the mother doesn't want to use the disabled toilet for any reason and her child is 5 then she can use the main toilet. She can use whichever toilet she thinks is correct for her child.

Kirbert2 · 13/05/2025 13:30

I take my 9 year old to the disabled toilets when I can but if they aren't available or are disgusting which isn't unusual then he comes in with me.

Before he became disabled at 8, he did go to the mens alone and generally, I do think 8 is about the right age.

Zanatdy · 13/05/2025 13:32

5 is absolutely fine. I’d ignore her.

borntobequiet · 13/05/2025 13:32

8 is standard, as puberty in boys can start at 9.

ilovesooty · 13/05/2025 13:33

If I saw a boy I thought was 9 in the female changing area at my leisure centre I'd be asking how old he was. If he was over 7 I'd be complaining at reception and if his mother wasn't told to remove him I'd complain to management.

Isobel201 · 13/05/2025 13:36

IMO, he has a disability so he can use the disabled toilet.

However I disagree with the woman and 5 year old boys are okay to be taken in the ladies if there is no other alternative.

Hwi · 13/05/2025 13:38

Absolutely fine! I also use disabled toilets, if available and if free, but hate it as have to hurry him up, and stay on the outside to watch for any disabled persons needing it, broadcasting through the door 'you are fine for now' if this is the case.

Figgygal · 13/05/2025 13:43

Depends on the child and the toilet imo
My youngest ds is 8 he does tend to go to the men's now and I wait outside but if I was concerned about anything I'd still take him with me

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 13/05/2025 13:43

Kreepture · 13/05/2025 09:35

8/9 is fine, older if they're disabled and need support. My DS is significantly affected by autism, so came in with me until he was 12, he was clearly disabled, but not willing to have me in the cubicle with me, so i'd sit outside and talk to him.

As a wheelchair user If they're perfectly able bodied, and don't need help to pee, or supervision, the disabled toilet is not an acceptable alternative.

I disagree. Thankfully as he's got older DS has managed to overcome his distress at the noise hand driers make, but if he still couldn't cope with them he'd have to use the disabled toilet and I don't think that would be unreasonable given it would be that or wet himself.

And in response to other posters comments about everyone using the women's toilets - I have never seen a father take his daughter in, and I'm pretty sure I would notice if there was a man in the ladies.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 13/05/2025 13:44

No way would I have sent mine into the toilets by themselves when we were out at the age of 5.
I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.
They're still tiny.

LostMySocks · 13/05/2025 14:02

GRex · 13/05/2025 12:41

Personally I do find swimming pool ages anachronistic. I mean, it is a bit mad to expect just turned 7 to wash and dry themselves effectively, as well as necessarily being alone and naked... but to think they shouldn't be going into a public toilet alone for a quick wee, a task that they do multiple times a day on their own anyway. I know I'm sensitive because it's my child's age, but DS barely rinses half the soap out of his hair, he needs prompting, but he won't be ready to fly solo until 8 at this rate... and after swim lessons I see all the girls his age being helped too!

During COVID rules post lockdown we had to be post our kids into the pool ready to swim and then collect from a different exit afterwards. Parents weren't allowed in.DS were 5 and 7 at the time so just dried a put and pulled on a onesie or dressing gown. We then went home for showers etc
As parents it is our job to set our boys up for success and help them develop independent changing. It is also our job to ensure that they respect women's boundaries. We currently have a massive issue with boys ans young men not respecting women. Not enforcing boundaries with our boys in female spaces is the start of a slippery slope....

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 13/05/2025 14:08

Is he a bit taller than most his age? I wonder if she thought he was older than he is.

Bushmillsbabe · 13/05/2025 14:11

I would say max aged 7, especially for things like swimming changing. Not because it bothers me, but my 9 year old daughter felt really uncomfortable when there was a boy in the ladies changing rooms who looked 8/9 years old when she was changing - she has a shower then walks to a changing room with her poncho towel on her. But it also depends on set up, our local pool had ladies, men's, and group changing - the group changing are seperate and large and can be used by anyone on the weekend, so those with a child older than 7 that is not the same gender as their parents, can use that one.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/05/2025 14:17

YosemiteTrail24 · 13/05/2025 13:30

I'm not but if the mother doesn't want to use the disabled toilet for any reason and her child is 5 then she can use the main toilet. She can use whichever toilet she thinks is correct for her child.

Show quote history

I was answering your previous comment about a 9yo. Obviously a 5yo is welcome in the women’s loo.

funinthesun19 · 13/05/2025 15:03

ilovesooty · 13/05/2025 13:33

If I saw a boy I thought was 9 in the female changing area at my leisure centre I'd be asking how old he was. If he was over 7 I'd be complaining at reception and if his mother wasn't told to remove him I'd complain to management.

This is why I am so glad my leisure centre is mixed. 😊

Didimum · 13/05/2025 15:03

Ridiculous to question a 5yr old. My son is 7yrs old and he is still coming in the ladies with me, and will be for the foreseeable.