To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

[BluesandTrues]

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

I'm sorry if my words came off harsh. I just don't think other people's "happy ever after" stories are necessarily going to help, especially when you seemingly struggle with your self esteem and setting boundaries. I'm sorry to hear you have things going on in your life, I truly wish you the best and hope you'll find the happiness and peace you seek.

It's not advice. It's a fact. There's nothing wrong with being a single mum. In fact, when I read about some of the tossers who are dads (on here) it seems a better choice.

You can have a baby without a partner. I know a number of people who've done it and it's been fine.

Honestly OP you would have been destroyed by his compulsive lying if you’d stayed with him. Someone constantly lying to you, they can even be the tiniest, most inconsequential things to lie about not just the big stuff, would eventually send you over the edge. Think of it as being with an alcoholic or heroin addict or compulsive gambler. No sane person can be happy with these people. Not just you destroyed but your future child.

I can’t speak from experience but how would a child feel if they knew their father was a donor? Is that something that is discussed beforehand with the mother?

Give loads of sports and clubs a go, even if you're not sure about it, they pretty much all do a free session. I took up a martial art less than 5 years ago and am slowly but surely progressing (about 2 years away from a black belt, hopefully).

Do shop around, even if they do the same activity, club culture varies hugely! You'll want one where they socialise in the pub/café after. I tried 3 clubs before I found the right one for me e.g. in my experience MMA was sexist, taekwondo is supportive - but this may vary in your local area. Choirs are also good for making friends, though they will probably be mostly women. Boardgame groups are full of men, but the sane/eligible ones usually bring their equally nice girlfriends 😅

You aren’t running out of time at 33 and you’ve saved yourself a world of much worse heartbreak down the track by letting him show his true colours now. Trust me on that.

Getting over a breakup takes a bit of time - don’t jump manically into finding his replacement because you think you’re running out of time. You aren’t. Let yourself get over the loss of something that wasn’t what you hoped it would be/thought it was. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend going through the same thing. There is so much joy in life, in living in the now instead of worrying about the future. Focus on that. The guy’s a knob and you’re had a lucky escape. A year from now I guarantee you will believe that.

Unfortunately my theory about this is that these successful, good-looking guys are only still "available" because they don't actually want to commit to anyone and aren't capable of being decent, reliable and honest.

I met my DH in a choir. Married 35 years.