To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

[BluesandTrues]

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

@Summit617 Someone at work is cute and I feel he likes me....when I think about it. Makes the effort to smile in and out of meeting rooms. No wedding ring. I work in a massive corportation and might just do a walk around at this point.

Just catching up on the full thread. What possessed you to get involved with a divorced dad of two as a young, child-free woman in your early 30s?! I think you need to explore this before re-entering the dating pool, I’m sorry. Work on your self worth and raise your bar out of the gutter before attempting to find the future father of your children. Good luck.

There’s a lot of older mums on Mumsnet who were either really lucky and had a healthy baby in their 40s, or they could afford fertility treatment. The unlucky ones probably don’t stay on the site. Fertility declines in your 30s and even more so in your 40s. You need to find someone a lot better than your ex to have a baby with though.

@Crushed23 Because I don't have men falling over me like some women do and I was sick of being alone. I thought a good decent man with kids is better than nothing and still do.

I really think people don't understand the different categories society puts women into.

I have never been the one who got picked. Ever. My colleague was on Hinge for a week before she met her very serious, very committed, very decent husband who married her after 8 months!

I've never been that girl.

My standards are about morals and honestly. If he's got kids so be it. Sorry.

@CherriesStrawberries Thanks I appreciate this and didn't want to be snarky with responses but I also know I'll be lucky to concieve even twice.

I am taking it seriously and am slowly picking myself back up. The nights and the mornings are the worst but as sad as it sounds I'm watching loads of breakup videos that are giving me hope.

I could have written this post 15 years ago, same age roughly! Now happily married with 2 kids. You are a spring chicken.

I'm your age and a new mum. I'm actually one of the youngest at baby classes and i'd bet some of the other women met their partners mid to late 30's.

I understand why you feel this way but if you don't find someone then there are options for you to do it alone.

Better to wait and have a baby with the right person who can be a great Dad.

You’ve done the right thing. What kind of a family man would he be? What trust would you have in him to be a good father and partner?
forget this one and meet someone else.

Not good advice

Having a baby (or any kind of life) with a pathological liar would send you into a nervous breakdown or worse, so thank your lucky stars he’s not going to be the father of your children.

I had both my children in my early forties.

Then you’re going to keep running into these problems, aren’t you. In your early 30s the pool is plenty deep to find a decent man who doesn’t have more baggage than Heathrow. You think most women our age (I’m 35) have men falling at our feet? And that you’re some exception and therefore have to lower your standards and settle for shit men like your ex? Get off social media and get back in the real world. Men can ‘prefer’ a 22 year-old Victoria’s Secret model all they want, it doesn’t mean that’s who 99% of them will end up marrying.

Life can change when you least expect it. I had a big party for turning 40 to mark the end of a 5 year unsuccessful fertility treatment journey with the partner I hadn't even met when I was your age.
For my 41st birthday - I went out for lunch with my 3 month old baby!! The best, most unexpected, momento of my 40th birthday!🤣
Enjoy what you have right now, and let the future take care of itself.

Doing the online freedom programme will help you recognise red flags and develop healthy relationship behaviour. Neither of you are compatible for each other; sex isn't enough to sustain a long term relationship.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

That's the attitude! There's literally nothing more exciting than a bit of flirting, it doesn't have to lead anywhere, just have a bit of innocent fun!

I was 39, absolutely given up hope so decided to live my life for me. Yep, you guessed it, as soon as my mindset changed I met a lovely man and, dear reader, I married him within a year. 2 children followed.
So my advice is stop looking, do what you want to do. If you meet someone, hurrah, and if you don’t at least you will have had a pleasant, enjoyable time.

@Crushed23 Thanks, I needed to hear that. It feels like everyone has a sexy guy at their feet when you watch everyone around you find someone.

I was 50. And he was worth the wait.

@BunnyLake He was killing me. Killing me. Killing me.................

I talk about our cuddles and kisses but the man was KILLING ME inside.

Tummy of knots for 7 months.

I know people who have been over 40 before they met someone and had children. You have plenty of time.

You need to learn how not to depend on men for your happiness and fulfillment. You might or might not find somebody to settle down with, and you might or might not have children... nobody can tell you what the future holds for you. But you sound very desperate with very little self respect since you can allow yourself to beg a loser of a man to accept your forgiveness of HIS shitty behaviour. Where are your standards? Do you not care what kind of man you settle down with or make the father of your children? Any willing bag of garbage will do for you?

If you really want children, you have options. But please don't let your desperation influence you to choose shitty men for yourself...

@Arancia Ouch. It isn't by choice I'm like this and I'm trying to get help. Not everyone is naturally born with confidence I've realised. But it's my job as an adult to get some. I have personal things that make life hard to enjoy but I'm trying.

It gradually declines in your 30's, she has years.

Have previous partners been “pathological liars” and treated you like crap? If you have a pattern of behaviour in falling for the wrong guy then there’s no point thinking about having babies with useless men.

If it’s just a one off guy then you don’t have to worry too much. But I do have friends who have been searching for a decent partner for many many years but still struggle with online dating etc..

Good luck you’ll be fine!

You will meet the one..just choose someone kind and who makes you laugh. Don’t go for the flashy ones.

I would recommend talking to ChatGPT about it. Ask all the questions about his behaviour, why men don’t fall over to get to you and how to build your confidence. It’s cathartic.