To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

[BluesandTrues]

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

@Twizzlelolly Thanks lovely.

I think you need to be careful my love. The level of desperation you have for a child almost led you to have a baby with an awful, awful man. I don't want to kick you while you're down, but that would be a horrible thing to do to a child. Don't let your desire for a baby cloud your judgement, you've got ages yet, I know women in their mid forties still having kids.

Relax. Don't have kids with the kind of man who will leave said kids needing therapy in the future, you'd be better off doing it by sperm donor than tethering children to a shit father. Focus on you, your strength, your self worth. You've shed a dead weight by drawing a line under this relationship and you should be proud of that - now learn from it and head into the future with the mindset that you deserve better.

@Agapornis Thank you so so so so much. I know I'll feel horrid on and off but I also know it's for the best. I don't really get out much.

I'm thinking of bouldering, some run clubs and padel? I need to be active Ive spent years inside....I didn't go outside unless it was to meet him!

You are still young..I had babies 3 and 4 aged 36 then 42...don't lose hope

Absolutely this. Your OP sounds like you want to be a mum more than you want a partner.

No-one can tell you for sure, but you have as good a chance as anyone else in your position.

@JudgeBread It's spine tingling how much you hit the nail on the head. I didn't want the post to be 373636366363636 paragraphs but he is a divorced dad of two and the messages I saw on his phone between him and the ex are spine curdling. He was a horrid dad behind the scenes....saying he would take his son to football then flaking all week...randomly picking them up from school when he felt like it...no structure...his kids would be in tears wanting to see him...all while telling me that he was trying to see them and she was a mean woman. Meanwhile she's begging him to come. When I tell you the lies were ....diabolical.

You’re right 33 is not 21. You are wiser, and knew to enforce your standards. You have set yourself a great benchmark for all future relationships.

I know it hurts now, but be glad that liar is out of your life.

@BlahBlahBittyBlah I do not want single motherhood right now but in a few years it may be on the cards....

I really want to share my life with someone.

Genuinely.

I can assure you there is time yet for your happy ending, with kids and a partner. If you want it though you’re going to have to get better at weeding out the shit ones so you can find the right person and not waste your time on the wrong one. Reading attached (a book about attachment) and overcoming low self esteem, and completing the freedom programme online will put you in a much better position. I’d also explore therapy if you can afford it.

I would freeze your eggs just in case.

@GuevarasBeret

Thanks this means the world and as scared as I am that it wont happen for me...This man had me feeling a shambles every other week....it was nuts. My nerves were always shot. I never ever had peace from around 6 weeks in.

Please don't judge me but ignoring the red flags made me feel powerful in a very teenagery way....I didn't want to "rock the boat" or appear bothered. Keeping the peace fed my addiction to the attention and affection and physical touch and just being called "babe"

Now I have a deep understanding that decent men do exist - and I wont find them unless I enforce boundaries and standards. I also know that I cannot keep on feeling this type of pain every couple of years. I cannot. I'm playing with fire. I really am.

I will gleefully walk away when I sniff a red flag. Not only that - I will gleefully sort out my self esteem and not fall so easily the second a man half decent looks my way because I'm so lonely.

I genuienly loved him....but I had no business falling in love so quickly and with such an arsehole!

Ah.

I'll cry and will miss him for a bit...but dare I say....I may be ok?

Met darling DH at 35, first baby at 39, second at 40. Used an old fashioned dating agency ( before the internet). I was his first date, he was my second. Married 25 years this year. Keep the faith girl, if you want it, it can happen.

I was 33 and in the same boat, to the point my dad would send me clippings from newspapers about women using sperm donors. Then I happened to run into someone I’d known as a friend for years and sparks flew. Twenty years later I am currently sitting across the sofa from him and our DD15 is upstairs studying for her GCSEs. So it CAN happen! (And maybe have another look at the men you already know as friends because the man you are waiting for could be in your life already!)

Hey lovely! I’m so sorry about your break up. I became single at 32 and I thought I’d never be a Mum. But by 34, I was married!

I unfortunately happened to have fertility issues but this was not age related; I had undiagnosed endometriosis and no doctor would believe me. So I ended up infertile and was probably infertile from my early 30s according to the consultant who did my fertility MOT. HOWEVER I’m now 37 and pregnant with my much longed for baby.

So it can even happen for someone with fairly extreme fertility issues so I do think it can happen for you. I would advise you get a fertility MOT for your information and peace of mind. The NHS won’t do this but you can get it privately for approximately £500. You’re unlikely to have issues at your young age but if you do, it’s better to know asap so you can plan accordingly.

@LurkyMcLurkinson Thanks for being so blunt. 7 months is actually a long time and I know I'm on thin ice. I cannot keep on doing this.

I say this feebly...

I was in a 7 year horrid relationship where I was being dumped all the time which I ended.

I was in a 2 year low comittment relationship where my self esteem was on the floor which I ended.

Even though he technically left me after I confronted him...I did confront him several times in the relationship and ignored the niggling inside of me to not mention that I'd discovered all these lies. It's progress.

Slow but sure.

I have a lot of childhood trauma that keeps me in these cycles and that stops now.

Next time I'm running a mile because I love myself and actually care if I get hurt.

I was single at 34 after being dumped by my seemingly ideal man.

I threw myself into work, travel and loads of terrible online dates. I didn’t think single parenthood was for me and was making peace with life without children.

At 36 I was introduced to the only single man at a friends party. We are 10 years on now with two children born when I was 38 and 42. It was worth the wait.

@Feliciacat Thank you so so so so so so so much.

@user1494093609 This made me burst into tears....honestly the internet isn't always such a bad place. Thank you! And also thank you for validating that single parenthood isn't for everyone. Thank you.

I had my 3rd child at 39, and he was the easiest pregnancy/baby. I was a much better mum at that age, compared to with my first two who I had in my mid-twenties.

There's still plenty of time op. You really don't want to have a kid with the wrong guy. Concentrate on being healthy - exercise, good diet, etc. I think that being fit and in a 'good place' is FAR more important than age when it comes to having kids. Work on yourself being happy and content and you will naturally attract the right guy.

I think it's s blessing in disguise you didn't have a baby with a pathological liar.
It will hurt , these kinds of men really get to you but slowly you will find peace and light again from this situation. Keep being good to yourself, build confidence with positive affirmations, looking after your health and mental health is vital right now
You are only 33 , you have plenty of time to meet someone, fall in love and have a baby

This is terrible advice egg freezing is a scam. Getting hold off some donor ( or a trusted male friend's) sperm and freezing the embryos has a much higher chance of sucess, but really your best bet is coming off any long acting hormonal contraception and getting put there.

@SuperTrooper14

Hello,

I don't have any real friends...thats the problem...it's funny. I found myself at the gym the other day and just struck up random conversation with the ladies. I remember thinking....it cant be that hard to make friends? To meet people?

The apps seem to just be filled with beautiful 26 year old girls that men swipe on and long for....I feel men just entertain me on there for ego....my brother is very attractive...tall...in his 20s and he tells me as a man to stay off them. He said men tend to treat women they meet on apps very differently from the ones they meet in real life and it's just not worth it. Only a "certain" type of woman gets taken seriously...the rest are cannon fodder.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

You are right. I didn't want to out myself but egg freezing is indeed a scam and can actually really damage your reproductive organs. I've been advised against it by a leading fertility expert....

My SIL got married for the first time at 42, after a v short engagement, and had her child at 44. She thought she'd be single forever x