To believe that my heart is on the floor...but I'll be a mum?

[BluesandTrues]

Hello everyone.

Please hold my hand.

I'm 33.5. No kids. No partner.

Someone I was with for 7 months was a pathological liar and it all blew up this weekend. I ignored red flags and when I confronted him, he turned cold and left me. I literally told him I'd forgive him, but the lies need to stop. He ended it and refused to even alknowledge the reason we weren't together anymore. Just called himself a bad guy and said I deserved better.

I know it's only 7 months but when you feel time is running out to have a baby and you found your person (at the start)... this burns.

I tried to pace myself with him but he truly love bombed me.

I've spent the past few days an anxious, depressed, manic mess. Missing the good morning texts. Missing the cuddles. Missing the attention.

I believed for the past few days I'd missed out on someonething that I have every proof would have driven me insane....BUT he was already slowly driving me insane....The anxiety just became a part of me and my day...and although I know I'll be shaken up for a while...I've just had a lightbulb moment. I will be ok...surely?

I really want to be a mum and find someone. More than anything.

Happy ending stories after something like this are much needed and welcome. I haven't gone into detail about the lengths of his deciet but he made up people, friends, jobs, events, conversations, scenarios, where he was all the time, his living situation....all of it. Gaslit me in every aspect of the word.

I really am quite low but that glimmer of hope I feel deep inside is something I need some encouragement with.

AIBU to deep down believe that I'm still young, I will be a mum and find someone, and I will smile again? Or do I need to accept that it may just not happen?

@Smelltherain

Thanks. He filled up so much of my day but I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself over foolishness. Cuddles and kisses are nice but my God I always knew deep down inside he was a slimy bastard. Always. I just need to work out why I couldn't leave until such damage was done...6 weeks in I was having doubts!

Lucky escape with that one, and at least you didn’t waste any more time with him. Sounds like he’d have been a terrible dad, or strung you along saying he wanted kids eventually, but never actually got there, or something equally as horrid.

I met my fiancé at 31 and I am now pregnant with our second at 36. But the majority of my mum friends are quite a bit older than me, didn’t meet their partners until late 30’s/early 40’s and have gone on to have one or two children in their 40’s, and are very happy. You have time.

What about men you work with now, or have previously worked with, ones you went to college/uni/school with? You can’t not know any men!

This.

please don’t do what I did and have a baby with the wrong partner. It will be your child who ends up in the crossfire. Been there , done that and full of regret. I’m still paying for it 20 years on. You can’t dump your kids, any damage you have to deal with forever

@SuperTrooper14 I do not. A lot of women are finding this to be an issue. I'm not the "desirable" type anyone wants to make friends with at work. I don't want to politicise this conversation but it's really not as "easy" for some of us as others...

@4andnotcounting Thanks for your honestly. Deep down I was tempted to fall pregnant, but I knew he'd make the poor kids life hell.

After being basically jilted at the alter I met my now DH at 36. We got married when I was 39 and I had my son when I was 41. We would have liked another child but think I am too old
now. However we generally are very happy.

Also say yes to every social invite even if it’s not necessarily about meeting guys. I met my DH as he was a friend of a friend.

You can break the cycle. It will take work and commitment and you’ll likely at times miss the comfort of your old familiar ways and the highs that come with toxic relationships but it will all be worth it. I speak from experience and as a now happily married women who had kids in my mid thirties 😊

@IDontLikeMondays88 Thanks for sharing. That sounds like hell....I need urgent therapy because as weird as it sounds...whenever I meet a decent guy I always feel I'll never snag someone as good looking or sucessful or as great as him....

Alright, I did already have one child but wanted more. My ex husband left me fir someone else after 10 years of marriage.

I was distraught. I was 36. I met DP a year later. Fell pregnant quickly, had DD2 a couple of weeks before my 38th birthday, then had DS a couple of days after my 39th birthday.

You are no longer with a liar. You are in a better position than you were before.

@LurkyMcLurkinson So many women tell me the excitement and butterflies is often anxiety and that although there aren't always fireworks sometimes thats the best way to go.

My only comfort is that the rug wasn't pulled from under my feet. It really wasn't.

I never knew the extent of his deception....But I ignored red flags 100%

Never ever ever ever ever again will I underestimate a mans capacity to lie a deceieve. If you are ever lucky enough to see it....RUN!

@TheBigFatMermaid THANK YOU!!!!

You may need to 'settle' if having a baby is so important to you. Not for the ex obviously, but for a 'decent' man who doesn't love bomb, tell you how wonderful you are, shower you with gifts etc but instead has a reasonable job, enjoys some of the same things as you and is companiable.
I realise half of MN will disagree but at 33 it is a question of what is more important: the perfect man, or someone who will be a decent husband and father.

I had my 1st at 37. You've got time.

I was with someone I thought was the one for six months. He told me he loved me then swanned off to Asia for a three months and ghosted me, eventually properly breaking up with me when I asked for my things back when he came home.

A few weeks after that I met my husband :)

@Redburnett Totally OK with that and actually believe it or not do not need the most romantic man in the world....just a solid decent honest man who isn't going to have an affair, lie to me, gaslight me or dump me! That's romance!

You won't find someone to share a family with whilst you're stuck with an idiot. Now you've got rid you'll be fine you've got plenty of time for babies no need to stick with undesirables because you feel the clock is ticking.... big hugs...breathe ... don't dwell on what you are lacking in life ..focus on where you're going it's going to be amazing just you wait and see.

@TheBirdintheCave Thanks for sharing. How did you meet DP? What do you suggest?

I'm a little insecure...I remember going to a bar maybe last year with a friend and the girls were all 22 and looked amazing...I was one of the older women there at 31/32 and no one looked at me twice....the truth is I always feel small in certain environments. I don't lack self esteem inherently....I just feel social media has made men have weird standards for women...with the swiping culture making them feel they can get anyone they want.

@slapmyarseandcallmemary Thanks so much.

@NimbleTiger He warped my reality. I truly thought it didn't get better than him because if it did....why hadn't I met someone yet? That's how I felt!!

You are plenty young enough to get what you want. I was well north of 40 when I had DS.

My advice for meeting a future life partner isn’t to go specifically looking for someone but instead do a load more stuff where you come into contact with more people.

It’s a bit of a numbers game so get out there and join as many clubs, activities and social events as you can. Eventually you will trip over Mr Right when you were least looking for him. You’ll also have the added advantage of picking up a wider circle of friends.

A lot of people I know are married to people they worked with. Again that’s a numbers game. People don’t go to work to find a life partner to have kids with but it happens because you come across so many people over the years.

Put yourself out there socially and at your age I’d be pretty confident the outcome will be good.

If you feel like that you’ve likely got an insecure attachment. I’d also recommend reading women who love too much. It will feel like a slap in the face when you read it but it’s a necessary one.

I didn’t know that.

He did you a favour, surely? The trash taking itself out and all that.

You’re still young at 33, plenty of time to meet your person.

If it’s really making you anxious then consider egg freezing. It takes (some) of the pressure off. I did it at around your age, feel free to PM me.