Why are some children ‘spoilt’?

[Englishsummerblues]

I know typically in films and books, spoilt children are usually rich and given everything they want despite behaving badly.
But in real life I see very different types of children. Some are rich, some aren’t well off, but some children in every demographic have a real sense of entitlement and perceived injustice.
I was thinking about a friend whose child will demand anything that anyone else has, even if they don’t want it. So if one child has been bought a cake and they had the option to have a cake or an ice cream, they will eat their cake and moan to have an ice cream. Or children that repeatedly cry when other children open their presents at party’s.
I see the parents often have good approaches to this behaviour and explain/ validate/ reassure but it doesn’t really seem to help. I wonder how deep rooted this feeling of envy and unhappiness is, and whether it ever has positive results such as in terms of ambition or social injustice.
My children are by no means perfect but I don’t see this trait in them, yet I think they’re quite lucky, in terms of ‘stuff’. So is it that spoilt children feel hard done by, either in terms of affection, attention, presents or is it just personality? I tend to feel it’s the latter as I know children who are very well off and some who have very little and there are children like this in both camps. I always feel for them, no one wants to be unhappy with their lot.

It has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with their parents. You don't blame an untrained dog for behaving in an untrained way, it's the owner's fault for not training it. Same goes for any small mammal, including humans.

So if one child has been bought a cake and they had the option to have a cake or an ice cream, they will eat their cake and moan to have an ice cream. Or children that repeatedly cry when other children open their presents at party’s.

DS is like this. He doesn’t cry but he will whine and you can’t ask him to say carry a present for his friend as he just opens it. Drives me nuts. It isn’t a particularly pleasant trait and I hope he’ll grow out of it!

@BeNiceWhenItsFinishedbut like with adults, there are some children who are less satisfied/ happy with their lot in life? We all know people who are envious/ dissatisfied.

@hupsieIm sure he will, just keep unpicking those feelings with him.

People are different. Some children are able to regulate these emotions at an earlier age than others. Just like some kids still tantrum or cry at a later age than others.

i do not agree that the CAUSE of this is parenting b - it’s just the temperament of the child. What may impact the behaviour is the reaction. Some parents will deliberately hide others having things so their children don’t see it, some will laugh it off, some will help their child work through their emotions.

i agree it is a particularly unattractive behaviour which I think is why people are so quick to criticise. But it’s a perfectly normal behaviour from children under about 8 as they are naturally self centred.

DS would whine if he knew there was food around - made going on pincic with food a pain. He grew out of it.

I wouldn't have said he was spolit though.

Spolit is harm being done the character of (someone, especially a child) by being too lenient or indulgent- well that's on-line definintion and how I understood it - so clearly not inate but a parenting fail.

Some children won’t get enough attention from their parents, being given more is an easy fix for some parents and will create feelings of validation for the child. In our opinion it isn’t healthy but understandable from the child’s point of view.

There are many other reasons, obviously, because humans are complicated and messy.

Some parents will have come from homes with very little and have decided to give their children everything they can. So you might say bad parenting but it could stem from their childhoods that they were unable to control.

Judgement from others anonymously on a forum is impossible to get any meaningful answers, there will be many on here with far from perfect children, or no children at all saying “bad parenting” but that’s not always the case, sometimes it’s loving parenting that might not have the desired effect but it’s not “bad”.

I’m not quite sure how I’d define spoilt actually.

I’d always thought it was to do with being given whatever you wanted, but tbh I know countless children with fantastically privileged lives and… they’re perfectly nice children who understand ‘no’.

So I suspect what we really mean is children who don’t accept no for an answer / have a tantrum when they don’t get their own way etc…?

Weak, permissive parenting doesn't have a price point. Anyone can allow their child to walk all over them and thus create a demanding, entitled brat.

I agree it’s temperament not parenting. I’ve seen plenty of strict parents with whiny entitled kids and plenty of relaxed indulgent parents with very unassuming easy going kids.

They haven't been taught to behave, they are basically feral. Children can't raise themselves, they need constant guidance from their parents.

@frozendaisyi think that’s sort of what I want to steer away from. I want to understand what fuels children to have these responses. I do think there could be a positive side, often these children are quite intelligent and aware of their own rights, which could lead to a successful life.

@Gettingbysomehowbut then how do you explain one sibling behaving like this and not another?

Are you helping him with this, or just ‘hoping’?

If I am at a park with DS and there are two swings and two children run to them, he straightaway wants to go on the swings. If I’m at soft play and there’s another child’s birthday party, he’ll want to join in (he won’t know the child.)

That hasn’t been caused by my parenting, I can promise you. He’s been the same since he could communicate (even through just pointing and flinging himself on the ground if he didn’t get his way …)

I don’t know what it is. I certainly do parent him and I have to be a lot more in the ball than with dd, who just accepts a ‘let’s go on the slide darling!’ I don’t think I’ve caused it either, but god knows! He can be very, very dog in the manger and it isn’t a pleasant trait but … not really sure what else I can do about it!

I think it's just inconsistent parenting. If one parent usually gives in eventually, then the child learns to keep badgering.

There are some traits about not being able to just be pleased for other children that are learned social skills. I'm not sure why that develops later for some children than others. I'm not even sure some adults have that skill either. Maybe it's character, but more likely a mix of environment and innate factors.

I think you're asking two different questions. One is about 'spoiling' a child, which is an active process by a caregiver to indulge and give the child whatever their whims desire. This does not have to result in an unpleasant or ungrateful child (for instance, we often talk positively about grandparents spoiling children, or even adults being spoiled on their birthdays. It can be a good thing).

The other is a child who has an entitled attitude, and who cannot hear no without a negative reaction, or who cannot bear others to have nice things. This may come about from being spoiled, but may not - the parents might do all they can to set reasonable boundaries but the child may still have this reaction. I would see this as more of a personality trait (which is also modulated by upbringing).

Personally, my DH and I sometimes get told by my parents that we are over indulging our child. She's our only so it's easy to give her generally what she wants. She is fundamentally a kind, easygoing and lovely kid though (told to us by everyone she's in contact with, it's not just our impression!) so I don't see the point of denying her on principle when it doesn't seem to be resulting in a spoilt child.

The sibling dynamic, of course.

Feeling “that person has something cool, I wish I had that!” or “no one is paying attention to me today” are perfectly normal valid feelings that everyone feels sometimes. The difference is just that some children are unable to internalise that feeling.

I think adults parented before about 2005 can’t stand this developmentally normal ‘entitlement’ because they were so criticised for it when they were children. I also think it’s a very British thing - similar to our obsession with queues. Everything has to be fair and in turn.

Swiftie, I don’t allow him to force other children off play equipment or away from toys (including standing too close to them somewhat ominously …) I don’t buy him presents at whim to keep him quiet, I try to encourage kindness and generosity and read books addressing this theme (I sometimes think DS sympathises with the highway rat rather than the animals he steals from though.) But the trait is there, I can’t deny it, no matter what I’ll do. It’s sort of got easier as he’s got older as he understands threats and reasoning a bit more. But I won’t deny I worry about him in this respect.

There’s probably some truth in that @MonteStory . and of course what’s acceptable in a two year old isn’t in a five year old. But I do think some children have a more demanding nature than others when it comes to material items and I assumed this was what the OP meant.

Ineffective parenting. No boundaries or rules. A lot of parents are scared to upset the children. I see it a lot in my line of work.

See that isn’t true at all.

DS has a shower every night and has done since march 2024. I can be that precise about it because that was when our bath broke. So fourteen months now.

every night he asks to have the shower hose down. Every night I say no. Every night he whines about it for the duration of the shower.

I do think some posters underestimate how persistent some children are. DD accepts a no. DS doesn’t. He still gets it, of course, but he certainly doesn’t give in reluctantly after a point.

Two of my brothers have birthdays close together. One two days before Christmas, the other at the end of January. Each one would have a tantrum when the other got birthday presents so my parents made sure the other one got exactly the same even though it wasn't his birthday. Neither have grown up to be particularly nice individuals.

@NeedSomeComfyi mean there’s so much we could think about, is your daughter a delightful child and kind/ generous etc precisely because she has you both and she also knows that you would buy her things she likes? She has both stability in her relationship with the two of you and economic stability?
I think it is fundamentally personality. But parenting makes a difference. But unless you have a child who notices what others have and what they don’t have, you have no idea how you would correct this and if you would be able to.
It’s like with most things relating to parenting, we parent according to the child we have and we assume that our parenting is the reason why our child is the way they are. The amount of parents who have tried to say that they would have parented my SEN child differently, almost as if to say ‘and then she wouldn’t have had SEN’.