Why are some children ‘spoilt’?

[Englishsummerblues]

I know typically in films and books, spoilt children are usually rich and given everything they want despite behaving badly.
But in real life I see very different types of children. Some are rich, some aren’t well off, but some children in every demographic have a real sense of entitlement and perceived injustice.
I was thinking about a friend whose child will demand anything that anyone else has, even if they don’t want it. So if one child has been bought a cake and they had the option to have a cake or an ice cream, they will eat their cake and moan to have an ice cream. Or children that repeatedly cry when other children open their presents at party’s.
I see the parents often have good approaches to this behaviour and explain/ validate/ reassure but it doesn’t really seem to help. I wonder how deep rooted this feeling of envy and unhappiness is, and whether it ever has positive results such as in terms of ambition or social injustice.
My children are by no means perfect but I don’t see this trait in them, yet I think they’re quite lucky, in terms of ‘stuff’. So is it that spoilt children feel hard done by, either in terms of affection, attention, presents or is it just personality? I tend to feel it’s the latter as I know children who are very well off and some who have very little and there are children like this in both camps. I always feel for them, no one wants to be unhappy with their lot.

I do think personality and genetics have a lot to do with it. I grew up poor and never got anything unless it was birthday and Christmas. As an adult I still struggle with being told no and emotional regulation. I have 3 sibling none of them are like this and my mum said when I was a kid I was an angel until I heard the word no then all hell broke. I remember as a kid being told I will be told no everytime until I learn how to accept it and act right and I still never learned its like its just in me.

I guess as long as they know it’s not forever (?). It’s just not something I would have wanted to do. Your dd will probably want something on her brother’s birthday once she realises.

What do you mean by ‘acknowledging’? When I was growing up whoever’s birthday it was, was the ‘star’ for the day. We loved it. I took that approach with my own kids.

She will get something, it just takes that desperate over excitement before Christmas away. I don’t see it as a massive deal, I suppose, it’s just that since one birthday is midsummer and the other midwinter it is a good opportunity to get something ‘seasonal’ for the other.

As with anything, it's not one size fits all. For some children it will be temperament, for some children it will be parenting, or a combination of both. I think it's unfair of the posters who go straight to blaming the parents for every scenario.

Oh a side note based on other posters comments, I do think given a child a present on their siblings birthday is the wrong thing to teach, especially if they have this temperament.
I think children should be taught the pleasure of giving gifts and/or making someone's birthday/occasion special.
If they have a Christmas birthday (my eldest has this), and you want to get them a summer gift (like a bike, scooter, garden games etc), then it should be a reward to good behavior, not just because it's their siblings birthday.

Yes, I agree, but that isn't being a 'spoilt' child. That's being a glass half-empty person.

Maybe it is honestly as you say at the end of their post- they’re just unhappy with their lot. Maybe they’ll grow up to be ‘why do I have x when they have something better?’ Maybe it’s innate and not parenting- the other thing is you always have to think maybe you’re seeing them on a bad day- overtired, having a bad day etc

Remember ‘Everyone’s a winner’. That went down well didn’t it.

I used to get desperately excited before Christmas. It’s one of my happy childhood memories, why take that from her?

@PickleJelly possibly but then you can run the risk of good behaviour becoming transactional and while I have no issues with small rewards for specific instances of good behaviour such as sitting calmly in church or waiting for a hospital appointment, I don’t really want to go down the star chart sort of route with DS, precisely because i know he’d get one star then be endlessly droning on about it!

I don’t think it’s a big deal in the way others do: on DDs birthday, between DH and I, PIL and friends, she’ll have plenty. Then DS gets one thing. Ditto at DS’s birthday: he is drowning in toys and she gets one. It’s really not taking anything away from the birthday child at all. of course, others take a different approach, but this is the one we’ve decided to take.

Being 'spoilt' by definition means its not a natural personality trait, but damage to character caused by upbringing. I don't think its anything to do with how much a child receives materially. I think its about a failure to instill good values. A child can be exceptionally privileged but grow up to be an excellent person if they are aware of their privelege and taught the responsibility to others that should go with it.

I’m not.

It brings to mind he who shall not be named who gets in the news a lot. Everything is never enough. Some people are just like that.

some people can have 4 kids and only one acts like this…it’s not ALL parenting.

Then you need to tell him he can’t have everything and be firm about it. He won’t grow out of it. It will only get worse if you enable it.

Did you read the thread?

I’ve no issue with dealing firmly and swiftly with DS when he starts. He isn’t pandered to, or given things and if / when he tries to take things from others or take over play equipment he knows it isn’t tolerated.

Despite that, the trait is there. It’s certainly easier to deal with now he’s older, but it’s definitely there. I didn’t put it there and his sibling doesn’t have it. So I don’t think it can be pinned on me.

I always used to say to my son that he can have whatever he wants (obviously within reason but it was implied in the conversation)…he can have whatever he wants, as long as he doesn’t become spoiled and expect it.

he rarely asks me for anything, yet we have provided him with so much. His friends have spoken out about ‘why does he get both’ with regard to an Xbox and PlayStation (the latest models were released the same year so one for Christmas and one for birthday), but we/he can explain that by saying that because they have a sibling they can get one each and share, but he doesn’t have a sibling so would miss out if all his friends decided to play on the one he didn’t have.

as it turns out he is a well rounded kid, always caring, and rarely asks for anything. I had to force him to pick new trainers a couple of weeks back because he said his were fine and he could give them a clean…and would only agree to new ones because I had my EOY bonus and so had spare money then rather than taking it out of my wage when it came time to get new ones. Sometimes I catch him playing a new game on his Xbox that he has bought himself, and I transfer the money to him because I’ve not got him anything in many months. Despite me saying I will buy him games (at a reasonable level) he will never ask and has often ended up just waiting for Christmas when all his friends are already playing another game.

its all about placing the right emphasis on being grateful for what you do get. If my son demanded things or expected them, he would quickly find that he got very little.

@hupsie yeah, sorry that absolutely wasn't meant to be dig. It's just my personal opinion and what I have done with my children who have a similar birthday spread to yours. What works for me, may not work for anyone else.
I am just a huge believer that making someone's birthday/occasion special is a kind thing to do and can be as fun as receiving gifts. Its something I feel is important to try and raise my kids to see.
Like i said, it's just my opinion and who knows if it's the right way to raise my kids. We can only do what we think is best.

Being spoilt isn’t a problem. Being a spoiled brat is a problem. There is a difference.

They both have a birthday party, cake, lots of presents (not just one!) balloons and a new outfit. I promise they are very special on their birthdays and a gift for the sibling as well doesn’t detract from that

But if the parents of the children you're describing don't give into it and give the child what they want, they're not spoilt are they? Being spoilt implies you've been made that way by being spoiled.

It's a mix of nature and nuture. I think a lot of children are over indulged and don't develop resilience for disappointment, delayed gratification, sharing, considering others etc in contrast to those who have been parented with a firmer, more measured approach.

But everyone has their own innate personality traits too. This is how two children with the same bio parents and same upbringing and environment can be very different. Some have a naturally more selfish streak and others a naturally innate sense of fairness. Then there is the impact of neurodiversities too.

My elder child was very self centred. He later got a diagnosis of ASD in his teens so I don't think it was as simple as "being selfish" as there was also the ASD black and white thinking of "I want that and i am fixated on it and i will have it or bang on and on about it even if my parents aren't giving in and are getting annoyed with me or ignoring what I am saying". It was utterly exhausting and I often saw looks of disapproval when we were out as if people were thinking "he must be spoilt brat used to getting his own way".

He's is his 20s now and has got much better at reading social cues and understanding the bigger picture of balancing your wants and needs with those of others around you and the fact that good manners make situations smoother and more pleasant for everyone.

But he says it took a lot of effort to "train" himself and even now he still has to consciously slow down his thought processes so he doesn't leap straight to "I want x". I think he did have the motivation of wanting to fit in with the world and have positive relationships with others. Not everyone is bothered about that though.

Our youngest seems to have a naturally kind and thoughtful streak though sometimes if she wants something and is told no she will turn on the charm and if that doesn't work she can be defiant and whiny. I'm ashamed to admit we do give in to her more often than we did to our eldest. Reasons: we are worn out with it after years of it from eldest so it's easy to sometimes give in; her kindness is more evident so we tell ourselves she's not totally spoilt; and also we are much more well off these days so it's easier to think it's just a couple of quid for an ice cream whereas when eldest was little i was having to watch every penny. So she is probably more "spoilt" in the nuture sense.

Having said that, we still seem to be stricter and say no more often than some of her friends' parents. Her best friend is very indulged and can be very rude and demanding when she comes to our house - she has nice attributes too but I can only cope with her in small doses. Her parents are lovely but very "gentle" and let her rule the roost and she seems to think she should be in charge wherever she is.

I know what you mean. I did know one such child who was essentially always very self centred and didn't grow out of it. They just found other ways to get their way as they got older, other than throwing tantrums. They are quite clever and I think potentially the cleverness paired with the self centred-ness means they could well get a lot for themselves in life, because they're always thinking about how to get the most for themselves out of every given situation. But I don't think that's the case for most stroppy children. I've also known plenty of children go through a jealous/hard done by phase and come out totally normal, nice people. Usually through attentive but boundaried parents

Behaving in a spoilt way is learned behaviour. A child has learnt that if they throw a tantrum or keep complaining the adult will eventually cave in. We live in a consumer society too, where we are conditioned from a young age to want.

What isn’t learned behaviour is temperament. A child can have a short fuse or struggle to regulate. It is the role of adults to show them how to do that and not cave into every demand. If you do cave this creates the entitled and spoilt behaviour.

I would interpret that as him asking why it isn't fixed, because he likes it and doesn't actually understand why you leave it broken. Did you try checking if he just has a question? If you can answer why you cat fix it then he might stop banging on about it.

My children didn’t go without (they had Wii’s, PS’s, etc) but I brought them up not to be spoilt. I do believe though there’s a difference between a spoilt Veruca Salt type child and one that is naturally more demanding or discontent than their sibling. They might both be annoying but hopefully the latter channels it more productively as they mature. The former more likely just gets worse.

I think it’s a whole combo of things and they won’t all apply to every child that you might spot in a shop and deem ‘spoilt’ or entitled.

I think some of it is developmental. Kids want something and don’t understand why they can’t have it. That’s just something they grow out of.

Sometimes it’ll be because they’re tired or hungry and you’ve just seen a rare melt down that doesn’t reflect that kid’s general temperament.

Sometimes it does relate to temperament in that children have a bigger reaction to disappointment or frustration. All the kids at a party might feel envious of the presents but some will feel it more deeply that others and have a bigger reaction.

Sometimes it’s consistency. If you ever give in to one of these battles (which is easy when you’re tired/stressed or if the stakes aren’t particularly big etc.) it fuels the next one. So you might’ve said one more swing at the park and then they’re being cute and you’re not in a rush so you agree to another one etc. it’s not a big moment but it’s teaching them that that a boundary you set is not firm. Then they want something later and you say no and they test that boundary again. Or maybe you are a permissive parent and always give in and they know that that’s how to ‘win’.

Sometimes it’s a reflection of what’s modelled at home and how their parents speak about other people. This is more relevant if older children appear entitled.

So I don’t think there’s a one size fits all answer. They’ll be more reasons than I’ve listed. I think if I had older children who were displaying these behaviours, I would definitely reflect on what need they had that wasn’t fulfilled or what I had done to encourage that attitude. I don’t think some one is inherently jealous or a half glass empty kind of person. I believe (in extremely simplistic terms) that adults who are pessimistic have often been disappointed enough in their earlier years to believe that it’s better to prepare for the worst is safer. But I also believe (based on my work/readings/life experience) that a huge number of personality traits, both positive and negative, can be plotted back to childhood so I’m more inclined to see it being more of a nurture situation that nature.

Finally, in terms of siblings being different, parents can never be exactly the same for both children so that can explain different behaviours. Sometimes, if an eldest is the one testing boundaries, the younger one(s) can pick up on the stress/frustration/disagreement it causes and they’ll avoid replicating it. Siblings might do it because they’re jealous/want attention (young children don’t immediately learn the difference between positive and negative attention from their parents). So having one child that does it and others who don’t doesn’t make it a them ‘issue’, in my eyes it’s a family dynamic ‘issue’.