Why are some children ‘spoilt’?

[Englishsummerblues]

I know typically in films and books, spoilt children are usually rich and given everything they want despite behaving badly.
But in real life I see very different types of children. Some are rich, some aren’t well off, but some children in every demographic have a real sense of entitlement and perceived injustice.
I was thinking about a friend whose child will demand anything that anyone else has, even if they don’t want it. So if one child has been bought a cake and they had the option to have a cake or an ice cream, they will eat their cake and moan to have an ice cream. Or children that repeatedly cry when other children open their presents at party’s.
I see the parents often have good approaches to this behaviour and explain/ validate/ reassure but it doesn’t really seem to help. I wonder how deep rooted this feeling of envy and unhappiness is, and whether it ever has positive results such as in terms of ambition or social injustice.
My children are by no means perfect but I don’t see this trait in them, yet I think they’re quite lucky, in terms of ‘stuff’. So is it that spoilt children feel hard done by, either in terms of affection, attention, presents or is it just personality? I tend to feel it’s the latter as I know children who are very well off and some who have very little and there are children like this in both camps. I always feel for them, no one wants to be unhappy with their lot.

If the parents have good approaches to explaining/dealing with it are they actually spoilt though? To me spoilt children would actually get the thing they're whining for. They might be whiny/jealous/dissatisfied/demanding, which you could argue aren't nice character traits, but I wouldn't call them spoilt. That implies something the parents have actively done to them. Maybe I just have a different definition of spoilt?

My daughter is spoilt in terms of stuff - at 3 years old I swear she already has more toys than I had throughout my entire childhood - but that's because she has loads of people buying for birthdays (grandparents, 2 aunts and an uncle, my cousin, family friends). If we're in a shop and she asks for something 90% of the time I say no and she doesn't whine or cry and when she does get something she's ridiculously happy, says thank you, wants to show everyone what she got, etc. She may well have cake and then ask for ice cream but she won't get the ice cream and will quickly accept that she's not getting it without too much fuss. So I don't think she's spoilt in the sense of demanding/expecting things and always getting what she wants.

I believed in only the birthday child getting a present. Until my 3 year old sat quietly with tears running down his face cos he realised all the presents were for his younger DB and none him (for the first time in his life). He didn't tantrum but was really sad.

Added to that, mine are both boys, close in age, who loved the same toys so it was really hard for them to see their DB getting what they wanted.

So we then started getting them a very small toy each on their DBs birthday (e.g matchbox car). That lasted until DS1 was 7 and asked why DS2 got a present. I explained it to them and they agreed together that we should stop it. And so we did and never had a problem again.

Children typically lack impulse control. Their brains are still developing. Some children find it much harder to delay gratification than others and are much more vocal about it.

It isn't poor parenting. Its just developmental variances in behaviour.

Exactly this. They can have what they want, but they know not to demand.

But you aren't buying him a small token gift... You are buying him a bike!!! That's like, main present vibes! I bet that's similar to the present you are getting her and it's her actual birthday, not his?
Have to admit I've never been able to understand the approach of siblings getting a gift as well on someone's birthday - it completely undoes the valuable lesson that this is someone else's big day and your role is to enjoy making it special for them without expecting anything yourself. I just can't see any positive to it - I don't call 'being able to buy them something seasonal' a positive in this situation

So then what does he do after you take him home to rewrap the present and remind him he'll be late for the party because he unwrapped it?

I don't approve of token gifts; a party bag or balloon is fine. But giving a bike... well that's just so ridiculous I can't believe it's true. Nobody would do that, it's literally teaching the child that nobody else matters.

I taught my kids that ‘happiness is two different things, what you take and then what you bring’ (actually a strokes lyric ha) and tried to make a thing of how nice it is to choose and give a gift to a loved one. I also encouraged the practice of gratitude and talking about things they are thankful for.

i agree that ‘spoilt’ suggests the act of parental indulgence has somewhat impeded the child’s personality/development, it’s a word to ruined or damaged.

i work with a lot of privileged young people (RG university) and some of them could really benefit from some gratitude practice!

I haven't said that to my kids as such, but have very much always encouraged them to get involved in the excitement of planning and preparing for each others' birthdays. Which they enjoyed in and of itself. Helping choose a gift their sister will like, helping wrap, balloons, setting the gifts up nicely on the table etc. And ultimately they do all get to enjoy the celebration together and eat cake and fell good about themselves because they have done something nice for the other person. And something they know they will enjoy when it gets to their birthday. I wouldn't go down the route personally if giving presents to each child on each birthday. I think there are other parts of it that are quite fun that they can get involved in.

Because children are inherently self-centred. It's normal. And some are more sensitive than others. Many children grow out of the kind of behaviours mentioned as they approach late primary school age. It's a mix of nature and nurture as well, surely.

Yes - nearly always the parents to blame, I think.

Children will ask for things and be demanding - it's how that's treated which makes the difference. And it may not be material things - it can be attention.

There comes a time when young children need to learn not to interrupt others and to listen - I realise this will be different for each child. There's a period when we all accept that toddlers etc will dominate any situation and that's fine. But I've been really irritated when 6/7/8 year-olds are allowed to butt in and immediately get the attention they want when adults are talking. And having been a teacher, I can tell the kids who've been allowed to do this at home!

It's all part of learning that there are other people in the world and that they have a right to time, attention and respect too. It's a crucial lesson for future relationships.

That's exactly what I would do too.

I don’t give him the opportunity. Why would I?

I don’t think buying a child a bike at the start of the summer holidays with the intention of teaching him how to ride said bike is ridiculous. It’s simply ‘your sister has a lot of presents as it’s her birthday; here’s one for you,’

You may not have meant it this way (although if I’m totally honest I think you did) but the post came across as very overbearing and pompous. I’ve made it clear throughout the thread I don’t allow my DS to demand or to take, but that streak is still there despite my attempts to quash it. It may be it is always part of his personality but hopefully I can guide him into someone who is also caring and thoughtful (and he has those traits as well.)

There's not much you can do about personality in kids

They can mature and become less egocentric, but the raw personality is always there

Hi @Englishsummerblues , in my post I was more trying to convey the idea that I don't think my child's personality has much to do with my parenting! I don't think we are particularly better parents at all than many of my friends I see with much more difficult children. I can only imagine the challenges that come with raising a SEN child, and I'm not sure I'd be much good at it. I think it is mainly down to her innate personality. Obviously she has some things working in her favour - a stable home, comfortable lifestyle etc. But fundamentally, she's a contented child who asks for very little.

You give the opportunity, because then you teach him what happens, and then he won't do it again.

The same way you involve him in planning a big bike gift for his sister; a budget, picking it out from a line-up for colour, checking the size, thinking over options like a bell and tassles, wrapping it, keeping it secret... and then treasuring her delight when she opens it up. That is how you teach him to love her birthday for her, and not for what it brings to him.

I’m good with what I’m doing with my own son @GRex , as I’m sure you are with yours 👍🏻

If I want advice I’ll be sure to start a thread.

I'll look out for it.

Lazy parenting.

Parents who can't be bothered to deal with their kids tantrums so just give them what they want. Usually hours on a screen.

My best mate just lets her autistic son spend hours every day on a screen as it makes her life easier.

I teach so many kids who clearly don't get told no, who then have a tantrum when they get told off!

Overcompensating by parents to ‘show’ their love rather than give a child the best thing of all their time 💖

It's not 100% parenting. DD2 isn't spoilt but my god she can find the negative in any situation, and if there isn't a negative, she'll invent one. That's just her and parenting her means teaching her to work hard to find some positives too. If you've got a dc who is naturally envious, it just means everyone working a bit harder to stop them constantly comparing to what everyone else has got.

Age is a significant factor here . Toddlers and preschoolers are unreasonable little pricks.

Nature plays a role too , however nurture can male those traits 100 times worse. Just as it can make it better and most children grow out of it eventually. Other things can be at play too like trauma, insecurity, anxiety, depression , various SENDs etc. However, these tend to be outliers/exceptions and there are other issues as well. Most kids that act that way do it because they’ve learned it pays off .

Parenting definitely plays a role - even in poorer families parents can be permissive or the child can be jealous of seeing others with more than them/ parents role modelling envious behaviour or lacks attention and seeks it through negative ways. However, all children develop at different rates and some take longer to develop emotional regulation skills. I would consider myself a strict parent, but I have a SEND child who often has really extreme public meltdowns. I’m sure onlookers would assume he’s a spoilt brat/badly behaved (and we often get unsolicited advice), but he’s just not able to understand the situation/control his emotions.

It’s not just personality or parenting. When you see a kid having a meltdown because they can’t get what they want , do you know the backstory? Often if they’re tired, hungry, had a bad day or something else going on in their life they can behave this way. People are very quick to judge without all the facts.

From observing the parenting from my children's cousins, the spoilt behaviour comes from the fact that sometimes the whining works so it's worth a try. If it doesn't work then...WHINE HARDER! Sometimes that works too. My kids know no means no. I'm not bragging and they are not angels but I do an internal eyeroll when the parents then comment that we are 'lucky' that we got the well behaved kids.
If kids don't know there is a clear boundary they will push and push.
Giving in for an easy life does the exact opposite long term.