Why are some children ‘spoilt’?

[Englishsummerblues]

I know typically in films and books, spoilt children are usually rich and given everything they want despite behaving badly.
But in real life I see very different types of children. Some are rich, some aren’t well off, but some children in every demographic have a real sense of entitlement and perceived injustice.
I was thinking about a friend whose child will demand anything that anyone else has, even if they don’t want it. So if one child has been bought a cake and they had the option to have a cake or an ice cream, they will eat their cake and moan to have an ice cream. Or children that repeatedly cry when other children open their presents at party’s.
I see the parents often have good approaches to this behaviour and explain/ validate/ reassure but it doesn’t really seem to help. I wonder how deep rooted this feeling of envy and unhappiness is, and whether it ever has positive results such as in terms of ambition or social injustice.
My children are by no means perfect but I don’t see this trait in them, yet I think they’re quite lucky, in terms of ‘stuff’. So is it that spoilt children feel hard done by, either in terms of affection, attention, presents or is it just personality? I tend to feel it’s the latter as I know children who are very well off and some who have very little and there are children like this in both camps. I always feel for them, no one wants to be unhappy with their lot.

Lots of people will be along shortly to tell you this is the fruits of “gentle parenting” (when invariably they are actually mislabeling permissive parenting) because it’s all the vogue.

Actually it’s more complicated than this. Parenting without proper boundaries or communication is a factor for sure.

But I think a large part of this is genetic and a lot of young children struggle to regulate their emotions properly. Which is hardly surprising, given that their brains won’t mature for another 20 years.

Spoilt is a very loaded adjective when applied to poor behaviour in children and usually has more to do with the person using the adjective than it does the object. Sometimes children genuinely are spoilt but more often than not there is more going on than people see at first glance.

It's very easy to say it's all parenting as that doesn't require much thought or consideration. It's quite an immature response in itself. Parenting can be a factor, but so can personality traits, genetics, education and temperament. Some kids mature quicker than others, and some people never really mature beyond the entitled child stage at all.

I think some kid who have been given everything too easily are more likely to be like this though, but I think some people are just hard wired to be egocentric and all the best parenting in the world won't change it. People can parent two children in the same way and get two completely different kids.

Most young children go through this and grow out of it. Except for the type who are given a gift on their sibling’s birthday; they probably don’t.

@Thepeopleversusworkthats why I used ‘spoilt’ as I don’t personally believe there is such a thing. I think it’s convenient for us to assume it’s parenting, when many world leaders and business tycoons have similar traits of wanting to be rewarded and being deserving of more.

In a nutshell. There you have it! Haven’t met a brat that doesn’t have a weak parent.

Well, we do, and before anyone blames that for my DS’s capitalist approach to life, she’s only one so it’s only happened once! But his birthday is the week before Christmas. Unfortunately, this means he gets piles and piles of gifts for one week then potentially nothing for a year.

So he is getting a bike this year for dd’s birthday. Makes sense: her birthday is in mid July and then I can hopefully spend the summer teaching him to ride it. It’s still her birthday and the presents are hers. But to be fair to DS, he does have to pander a lot to DD, so I don’t mind indulging him a bit.

It can be tough for children with Christmas birthdays, or even January actually.

You don't need to be rich to spoil a child. You just need to treat them like they are better than everyone else. I know someone who told her DS - many times every single day - that he was the best little boy in the entire world, that he had superior intelligence, that he was brilliant at everything (music, sport, anything really). The reality was that he was just an ordinary person like the rest of us, but he has grown into a ridiculous foot stamping spoilt 40 something who upsets most of the people he comes into contact with with his demands and self centered behaviour.

What are you doing about this?

I think I’ve answered that fairly extensively, perhaps you missed it?

Some kids are more persisatant and determined than others you just have help channel it and avoid negatively labelling it and think long term it will be a benefit to them.

You still have to hold boundaries and manage expecations - and it's hard work.

Often though parents get tired give in and have inadvertently teach the kids if they keep on they get what they want they just have to wear other side down and many parents later deny or forget they gave in. Saw many parents like that - isnist they never gave in and no idea idea why the kids are like that and you think I was there yesterday when you did it's not really kids fault they learnt a lesson you didn't mean to teach then

Yes I agree. I don’t think it’s always just down to the parents. I was born easily contented whereas my sibling has spent their life chasing their tail looking for contentment, same parents, same upbringing.

I remember way (way) back in my junior school years there was always at least one classmate who was bossy, domineering, demanding, yet when I’d go to their houses their mums would be lovely.

On the flip side not accepting the word “no from someone else could mean you end up (quite righty) in jail!

Humans are 9 billion shades of grey, there will be some children who are spoilt who become assertive adults and some who whom if their needs are not met lose their shit and a whole heap in between. Those who only learn their lesson when they bump into a bigger fish who says no, so they then change tactic, some who end up never leaving the house because the adult world is too hard without a parent soothing out all the bumps.

You might’ve seen us out when the kids were young and we gave in and spoilt our kids because they, for various reasons, that day, in our minds deserved it or other days when we blankly refused everything for different reasons.

Parents are human, they can make wrong decisions for all the right reasons.

Just seeing a small snapshot out and about is impossible to draw any conclusions from.

But how come children being parented the same are sometimes different? My older brother always used to ask for stuff but myself and my younger brother didn’t. We were raised the same way. What happened?

My ds’s birthday is just before Christmas too (same week), I have never given him a present on his sibling’s birthday. It wouldn’t have occurred to me.

Personally I think phones and laptops are to blame a lot of the time, Kids see things and their friends have them .More parents work ,and can afford to get the same . For poorer parents they run up debts to fund it.There seems to be the culture of Kids First now.

In my experience, it's mostly parents who either won't say no - i.e. no, you chose an ice cream not a cake, you can choose cake next time - or say no initially and then change their mind with a bit of whining from the child.

All children push boundaries and whine. Mine certainly did, one more than the other two. But they all knew that when mum or dad said no it was non-negotiable, and that mum and dad backed each other up so there was no playing one off against the other.

I don't think it's anything to do with being 'spoilt' as such - that's what we call behaviour that we don't understand or can't be bothered to understand. IME what you describe us a child with unmet needs. The 'need' is directed towards material stuff - stuff that's visible and easily understood by both child and adult. Of course it won't satisfy them, they'll quickly redirect it to something else. The mord annoying and disliked they become, the worse it gets. A vicious circle which will likely end up in poor mental health.

Its not necessarily a result of poor parenting, just that the parent hasn't understood or recognised what the child needs. It may not be as simple as attention, it could be a particular type of attention- validation or acceptance, less pressure, a need to be seen for who they are rather than what the parent wants them to be.

Partner's son was very spoiled by him, his mother & her partner & never chastised. Some of it was guilt for a broken marriage, stepfather was because he earned good money & indulged him to keep him quiet. . Unfortunately their son knew how to game them & get whatever he wanted by guilt tripping them. Sadly he has no moral values or ethics & has fleeced various family members over the years including grandparents and will only fraternize with those from whom he can gain an advantage. When the money runs out he just drops them or goes low contact. His latest gripe is how dare his parents not buy him a house & they realise they've reaped the whirlwind.

I started a thread yesterday asking if my four year old is spoilt because I am struggling with aspects of their behaviour, but I don’t give in at all. Example, they did something with a toy this morning that wasn’t acceptable so I immediately took it away. They cried and begged and have done several times since but they’re not getting it back, no way. I’m not a soft person with them, I am kind but I am firm, I believe. I don’t give in and buy them all the things they want but that doesn’t seem to have stopped aspects of their behaviour that I don’t like. I actually wonder if it’s to do with the fact they’re only child because a lot of it is about attention. They may also be neurodivergent because I have ADHD. But the point is it’s not always ‘soft parents who give in’. I don’t give in. Yet I still am struggling with behavioural issues.

Temperament I guess? Or that you can't ever treat older and younger siblings exactly the same as your attention/finances are more thinly spread?

We have this to some extent with DC2, even though we have always made a real effort to treat them both them same and are unafraid to say no (and follow through). DC1 might pout a bit but gets over it fairly quickly. DC2 will cry, refuse to move, and it can go on for ages! It doesn't work, we don't cave it, but they have always just seemed less able to deal with it. Have had - sometimes quite stern - conversations that they can't always get their way etc so really hoping it's just a maturity thing and they'll grow out of it.

There isn’t a one size fits all with parenting strategies. Talking about feelings, comforting and reassuring will work great for some kids but it won’t for others. One kid might take on board what their parents are saying, another will just see that they’re getting attention by whining and crying.

I personally believe that giving kids attention when they’re just being good is a generally good thing to do. So if they’re just sitting and colouring in or playing nicely, give them praise for it. Always done that with DS and he is really a very well
behaved. Of course some of it is genetics, but we often get compliments on how well behaved he is

That’s fine, I don’t think that’s wrong. I also don’t feel that acknowledging a child on their siblings birthday is wrong.

Someone said upthread that all children push boundaries and whine. That in itself doesn’t make a child spoilt. I don’t know if people feel there’s an age that behaviour should have stopped by, or at least been a rare occurrence.

DC1 might pout a bit but gets over it fairly quickly. DC2 will cry, refuse to move, and it can go on for ages!

This is what I have with mine, only it’s DC2 who is more easygoing.

It's mostly bad parenting but some of it is in the genes, probably 75% nurture and 25% nature. The thing is, the nature can't be changed, but the nurture element needs to control and override it. That's why it's always right to put the blame on the parents - it's up to them discourage the "spoilt" elements of their child's character, always punishing poor behaviour and occasionally praising good.

The money element isn't really relevant to whether a child is spoilt or not. It's true that it's easier to materially spoil a child if you're rich but there are plenty of cheap or free ways to spoil one. For instance, a lot of very poor families spoil their children by letting them skip school or roam the streets unsupervised whenever they like. The "spoiling" just takes a different form.

But, in every case, it's always terrible parenting that permits it to happen.

It’s absolutely down to temperament, I heard a child screaming crying to be put down yesterday, that would have been DS1 I realised I’ve never had to physically remove DS2 from any situation.