Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

[Nolongersureofmyself]

Hi all,

Please may I ask for some external perspective...

My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue.

This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there.

Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7

I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection)
He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2

The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way.

He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this.

Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am.

Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

I'd remind him that he can take your compromise and agreed handover point
Or
We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

I did consider doing that but I’m trying hard not to resort to it!

Imo you stick to the court guidance or why did you bother going to court? 5 mins from home it is imo. Him not seeing your dc if he doesn't show isn't on you. Your dc will benefit long term for learning about boundaries and the dedication YOU have shown as a parent. It isn't up to you to facilitate a cunt into not looking like one.

One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home

Do this each and every time. It was deemed reasonably by the courts and there's a reason for that. Honestly the more you facilitate him the more he will expect, just keep things nice and clear- 5 mins from your house.

Fuck that OP - you are not an Uber. Presume if he travels so much he barely has much contact time? He can use his free time to drive around the Country, that’s his choice.

I guess I’m unsure because the order says ‘unless we can agree’...meaning we should try to agree. I’m trying but I think what he wants is unreasonable. If he decided to fly it to Scotland and stay there he’d be expecting me to travel a full halfway by the sounds of it (although that’s an exaggeration of course).

I think you need to set some boundaries here OP. He will push as far as you allow him.

You can't agree. Let him arrange to collect them 5 minutes from you. He chose to move away. That's on him.

Is Heathrow on the way from your house to his parents? Or is there a shorter direct route you can propose a handover on (or is this what you are actually trying to do?)

Agree doesn't mean doing whatever he decides though. It's not reasonable to travel hours to one of (if not the) busiest airports in the country and the associated traffic and general nightmare-ness. If he choose to fly into there he has a great variety of public transport options if he can't hire a car, probably some of the best connections in the country so he can meet you somewhere sensible. If you're happy to travel a bit then be firm that it's x place or will revert to the order.

He decided to live abroad. When he does come over he tries to get free accommodation, hence the random places sometimes. This time it’s with his parents though.

I live in the south west. His parents are north. Heathrow is just convenient for him. If I say five mins from my house then he will have to drive 2+ hours down here then 4 hours to his parents so not really great.

How often are these visits?

He’s hiring a car. I think the total travel time for each of us is fair. I’m trying to stick to it but he’s saying it’s not halfway...I’m not sure why it has to be halfway given the circumstances and all the extra I did last time.

His parents can come collect your child then? You’re separated, it’s not your job to trail around after him anymore.

Infrequent, he hasn’t been as much as was ordered but I think is trying to get on track in terms of the order.

One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

Why aren't you sticking to your court order?

What's so hard about saying "I will do an hour round trip but no more as it's a goodwill gesture, so let me know where in that radius suits you - or alternatively the village hall car park which is 5 minutes from my house as per the court order. Let me know which you would prefer?"

they are elderly, unfortunately.

the order said ‘unless we can agree otherwise’ so they want us to try to work it out.

im trying to stick to what I think is reasonable but he is hard work and manipulative.

My ex tried this - wanted me to drive to him each time the dc were due to come home.

I reminded him that the other 28 days a month I do all the other parenting, school runs, driving to activities etc etc and he can either pick up and drop off or not see them.

If he saw them more frequently I would have been happy to share the driving

How far away did he live before he moved abroad? What was “halfway” when the order was granted?

You need to be really clear, in writing. E.g. this is what I am offering, as a goodwill gesture. If you do not agree, you can pick child up from (something 5 mins down the road), as per court order.

If he is likely to end up being aggressive or shouting at you again, then I would go for the five mins option with someone other than you doing the handover.

He should fly to an airport near to his child. It's his choice not to.

You should agree to no more than 30 mins to an hour, considering that the court says 5 mins is fair.

There wasn’t a halfway then either. He was abroad then.

That is true. I hadn’t thought of all the other driving I do!