Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

[Nolongersureofmyself]

Hi all,

Please may I ask for some external perspective...

My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue.

This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there.

Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7

I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection)
He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2

The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way.

He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this.

Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am.

Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

It’s so dreadful to have to do it but I have been. I’ve had some pretty upsetting messages.

Be strong and firm with this one.

I also have an arse of an ex and if I gave an inch then he’d take a mile. It took me time to realise that by being generous and reasonable, even when I didn’t have to be, he would expect and demand more while rubbing it in my face and implying I was a terrible mother if I ever disagreed. In reality I was the one doing all the hard work. Things only went back to an agreeable state (as much as it can be) after I put my foot down one day.

Pull right back, say he’s blown his chance and if he wants to see his children then he can drive to 5 mins near your house to collect them. He lives abroad so I’m assuming you do all the parenting and he dips in and out when he feels like it. There’s no court in the land that wouldn’t support you on this one.

He’s messed with your head so much, you cannot see how ridiculous he’s being.

You parenting your DC practically full time is what allows him to work and live abroad.

He should be on his knees with gratitude for you.

But he’s now, because he’s a self-centred twat.

I would honestly never have this conversation with him again and simply say that from this date forward he ALWAYS picks up his child 5 mins from yours. There’s no more negotiation, he had a fair offer and he fucked it up, you’ll be sticking with the court order going forward.

Do you think I am, oh, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I just feel under pressure from court.

I do think he’s messed with my head. Hence my username I guess!

That’s exactly what he does! Over and over!

No, he should be flying into Bristol even if its a less convenient flight

The fact he thinks it's reasonable to get you to drive to Heathrow is fucking delulu

I think 1.5 hours is enough, I have to get home so that’s a three hour round trip. I’ve driven a bit more before but it felt like too much.

How old is your child and once handed over to your ex, how will he be travelling with the child. Unless an older child, I’d be making whatever trip the most comfortable for the child and not the parents

I agree with 'Nameftgigb', you're running around trying to be nice, still putting his needs before your own, as I suspect you did when you were together, and all this while he's bad mouthing you to your children. In my opinion your offer this time is MORE than reasonable, and having bent over backwards to help him last time, it should be HIM trying much harder to make it easier for you this time. Take the advice being given here, offer what you're happy to do, if it's 30 minutes, then that's fine, if he doesn't like it, he can collect them from 5 minutes away. He's shooting himself in the foot by being difficult, so time to make him realise that YOU have been MORE THAN REASONABLE, and if he won't play ball, well he'll be the one to pay the consequences.

I was thinking after reading your OP, and the 5-minute scenario in the court order, that the judge did NOT expect you to agree. The court expected your ex to be massively unreasonable. They done you a good 'un, OP. That judge saw his cuntish behaviour and gave you a pass.

‘DCX will be at Y place at Z time. Let
me know if you would like to go ahead with seeing them.’ You need to lay the path for the way you want things moving forward.

Under ten, they will be driving. Whoever is driving, it’s still a long journey but I have no say in where he stays.

It’s ridiculous you are offering 1.5 hours, drop back to one hour or 5 mins as per court order.

He should get the train to you then pick up his hire car.

You need boundaries fast. Call him out as being unreasonable and state due to his unpleasantness you are no longer prepared to do a 3 hour round trip seeing as though you already do X% of the parenting.

Do you think so. In my head it feels like I’ve got to try to agree something first and it’s so much pressure and conflict. I guess I just need to find some balls and say no to anything but either my suggestion or the 5 mins.

You are right, that’s what I tried to do when we were together. So many times now do I wonder what I was thinking back then.

I would agree with @28Fluctuations . Judge definitely did not expect agreement. You can say happy with up to 1hr driving from your house or the 5 minutes as per court order. No one can say that you are not trying to reach an agreement there. If he goes for 5min from your house he is clearly cutting his nose to spite his face and that is on him.

I'd tell him you're planning to be in Land's End that week, so halfway for you is actually 5 minutes from your house.

Yes, I think that’s what I’m lacking. I need to set out my limitations instead of constantly trying to help.

Remind him, and yourself (!) of this element of your agreement:

We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

You sound meek OP and this cunt knows he can bully you and continue his abuse. Do not let this fucker win.

He sounds like my ex wife's doppleganger

May I make a suggestion, in part based on something that happened with my ex.

If he's coming to Heathrow & going 'Up North' then he could go M4 to Bristol then M5 North or, I suppose M4/A46/M40

How might either of those fit in if you live in the South West.

I live in the same neck of the woods and my ex wanted me to pick up my son from Nottingham on Boxing Day. I pointed out that it was perfectly possible to construct a route via Chez Moi on her way home to the South Coast which shut her up

Yes, I agree. Even his mother made that observation...that I am too meek to say no. I’m trying to grow a pair, I promise!

funnily enough I did suggest a location which he could make a route out of. It’s still not good enough though! He just wants to drive straight up without diversion.

I’m heading to bed now but I just wanted to say thank you all for your very kind input and constructive messages. I appreciate it very much.