Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

[Nolongersureofmyself]

Hi all,

Please may I ask for some external perspective...

My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue.

This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there.

Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7

I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection)
He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2

The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way.

He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this.

Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am.

Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

Remote parenting ? What a waste of space

Do you actually speak to him OP, or are things organised via text, email, or some other method? As long as it's anything but actually speaking to him, surely it's not hard to say 'No, I've made an offer to drive a distance which I feel comfortable with, if you don't accept that, then you can pick up our DC as per the Court Order, 5 minutes from my house. Let me know what you want to do.' If he argues back, just send another message saying 'Right, 5 minutes from my house it is then. DC will be at such and such place, at such and such time. If you're not there and don't let me know of any delay, we will wait 10 minutes, and then I will take DC home. If he tries to vary that, just say 'Sorry, not going to happen'.

On the other hand if you do speak to him, STOP! You're more likely to succumb to his demands when you hear his voice, as it will doubtless take you back to the days when you were always trying to please him. You don't have to do this anymore!

You CAN do this OP! Sending you courage!😁

Then its 5 mins from yours or nothing

Shall we fix him a date with my ex?

Fantastic 😅

Erm no. You do all the parenting when he's living abroad, and its not down to you to facilitate his contact. Tell him to get fucked.

OP, the judge made it "5 mins if you can't agree" to set the tone for what is reasonable to agree to. It is not reasonable for your Ex to have you jump through hoops for his convenience. You are doing all the heavy lifting day-in-day-out, you don't have to take half the driving on the few occasions he comes back to this country. Have a look at what the journey will be like for your children decide and what you think is most reasonable for them (i.e. minimize their sitting in a car time) and you, not for your ex.

This is actually nothing to do with travel plans really, for him it's all about feeling like he can control you and make you dance to his tune. He just append to be doing that through the travel, but I'd be willing to bet he's made other things an issue as well.

You seem worried about not trying to agree with him as the court order implies you should try to, but you're forgetting that he is under just as much obligation to try to agree as you are. Since he appears to be making zero effort in this regard, you're well within your rights to tell him to do one and collect from 5 mins away.

You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. He has no interest in trying to co parent with you, he just wants to wind you up so he can get a reaction. Don't let him.

"If you agree" means that one of you can disagree i.e. you or him. You've both presented alternatives and both have disagreed so five minutes away it is.

You tried
He abusive
Return to five minutes until he can learn to behave.
He wants cooperation he has to be reasonable.

You parented a toddler...use those skills. Remember when you went selectively deaf until they said please...

Stop agreeing to this three hour round trip. You do everything else.

Maybe choose somewhere to hand over you'd like to go. (Eg shopping in a big city, visiting an attraction) But don't pander to his lack of organisation/abuse/coercive control.

The judge gave you a clause for a reason. Use it.

If he gets a plane to Exeter or Bristol I’d feel far more inclined to be accommodating. As it is, you are being generous enough.

Heathrow airport is a totally unsuitable place for a handover anyway. And it is going to take much longer than the time you have considered because it will be so busy.
Your ex isn't prioritising seeing your child because they are not staying locally/organising suitable accommodation.
Follow the court's ruling and let him protest all he wants - his emails etc are going to show his behaviour up. You've tried to be reasonable and he's trying to bully you into doing what he wants.....