Expectations for driving to meet ex for child handover

[Nolongersureofmyself]

Hi all,

Please may I ask for some external perspective...

My ex and I have a child. My ex moved abroad a few years ago. We have a child arrangements order in place. One element of which is that, if we can’t agree on a handover location, then it is five mins from my home.

My ex stays in some random places when he visits, sometimes a couple of hours away. This next visit is up north with his parents. On other occasions, I’ve done my best to meet him halfway and I went over and above last time as he had an issue.

This time, he has said he considers halfway to be Heathrow airport, which is clearly convenient for him as he flies in there.

Surely I can’t be expected to drive all the way to Heathrow. I’ve offered a journey which is an hour and a half from me, so a three hour round trip. He would have 45 minute drive from Heathrow to meet me and then his onward journey to his parents. In terms of travel time in total, for both legs...mine is 6 hours and his would be 7

I drive 1.5 hours out and back on trip 1 = 3 hours x 2 (collection)
He drives 45 mins to meet and then 2.5 hours to his parents = 3.5 hours x 2

The additional leg to Heathrow for me would be a further 45 mins each way.

He is basically saying that I should drive halfway no matter where he chooses to stay. He could stay literally anywhere in the country and still expect this.

Am I unreasonable. I’m trying to be decent and did way more than was required last time. That doesn’t seem to count for anything this time round and last time it just ended up with him shouting at me the day after and then telling our child how useless I am.

Please be honest, in a kindly way. Thanks

I think you’re being incredibly reasonable OP.
Stick to your guns, your offer or the Court Order 5 mins job.

I’d like us to use Our Family Wizard and am planning to ask for this in our next court visit. For now, it’s all in email.

He is taking the piss

then shouting at you when you help him out

Id offer somewhere like Bristol or possibly Swindon as half way - take it or leave it

Thank you. I’m holding out so far!

Follow the terms of the Court Order.
He is manipulating and controlling you, stop facilitating his manipulation.

He is your Ex, you don't have to please him or help him or even be fair to him, you just have to obey the Court Order. So do that.

That and slagging me off to our child as well....brilliant isn’t it!

I do see it for what it is, I think,. But I do want to try to be reasonable. I do think in this case I am pretty reasonable. Maybe I don’t see it clearly in reality!

If the table were turned, wouldn’t he pull the 5 minutes from home card?

You tried so pull the card. The caveat is there because agreeing can be hard and they don’t want you and ex back in court. Stop being your own worst enemy and appeasing him.

It was pretty astonishing!

He probably would do that, you are right. Even the judge noted he wanted it all his own way!

Time to accept you can't co parent with a cunt..

It implies that you should try to agree, yes. How long is he having the kids for? Seems unnecessary for them to be stuck in cars from the south west to the north (and back).

Would he split the trip? Stay nearer you one or two night, visit parents without kids?

I have come to that realisation just recently funnily enough. I came across parallel parenting and it dawned on me that this is probably the only way now.

He’s visiting for a week. He won’t split the trip as staying with his parents is free...

He should fly into Bristol. If you are SW, I would suggest meeting there as a good compromise.

Be sure to keep a detailed record of his demands and your offers when setting up the visits. He sounds just the type to want to go back to Court to get the Order altered for his benefit.

I’ll mention that, thank you.

That’s exactly what has happened! Going back in a few weeks!

You are doing the bulk of the parenting, he flies in every now and then to see his child, the least he can do is pick them up from yours.

There will be no further discussions going forward, pick up from this point onwards is five minutes away from your home. End of.

He shouldn’t have left the country if he wanted to be a decent parent 🤷‍♀️

You're going above and beyond by doing the 3hr round trip. It was his choice to move abroad and you don't have to facilitate him. Stand firm OP and stick to what you've offered.

He is the only one who does any parenting, apparently. I am useless, stupid and a terrible parent so I’m told.

Write a meticulous time line of visits /his expectations of you /the handovers... Printing off any abusive /sulky messages...
Seems just one half of the parents is trying to be reasonable...
Clue - it's isn't him.

Thank you. I do think it’s fair. Will stick to it.

I’d take it another way.
How much are you happy to drive @Nolongersureofmyself? And how much have you driven before? About 1~1.5 hours?
Then I’d set that as a boundary and tell him you are happy to bring dc over but you’re not going to drive more than <insert time. 1 hour?> from home. Where does he want to meet up?

Why are you making excuses for him for every single suggestion? Where he’s living, how far he’s travelling, how he’s travelling, where he’s staying, how old his parents are, none of this is your concern. You have the children during your contact time, he needs to make the arrangements for his contact time. Refusing to facilitate whatever he feels like doing each every time will probably create more stability for your children. He’ll have to think ahead and put something sensible in place for his contact times, rather than have you drive your children hundreds of miles all around the country to drop them off wherever he’s dictating you to