To just accept our son is not part of our lives anymore

[pinksquish]

We were very close him growing up until he was 24 and still living at home, he met someone who took an instant dislike to all of us, his sisters and his grandparents and his father and stepmum so he stopped contact with all of us.
He very quickly moved in with her, stopped seeing his friends and they had a baby.
She kicked him out, he came home apologetic that she wouldn’t let him speak to any of us, his friends or relatives and he seemed to move on, had other relationships and continued a relationship with his dad and stepmum and grandparents, siblings etc.
Now he has got back together with her, and once again he has blocked us and his other family members and his friends as she has made it a condition of their reconciliation.
Do we just accept that he has made this choice and we are no longer part of his life or do we reach out occasionally so he knows we care but risk that causing trouble for him?

It sounds very coercive. I would try to get some advice about men in emotionally coercive relationships.
Emotionally abusive relationships are difficult to leave and victims often return.
It sounds very stressful.

Was he allowed to see the baby whilst they had split up?

You shouldn’t accept it, he is obviously in an emotionally abusive relationship. Try and keep the contact going even if he doesn’t respond it’s important he knows he has a mum to come back to.
What are her family like, could you try speaking to them. I’d be tempted to just knock on the door and see if you can speak with them. I’m not sure if that’s what you should do though, maybe phone a domestic violence line for advice?

No chance I would stand for this. I would do all I could to make it clear to both of them that we are family. It’s hard for you but don’t just give up!

Did they give a reason as to why they don’t like you?

No she didn’t let him see their child during the separation

I would just let him know (in a way she won't find out) that you understand, still love him and are there waiting to support him when he needs it. Your son is in an abusive relationship and he's probably terrified to leave as she'll stop him seeing their shared child. Hope he finds the strength to leave for good soon.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with her son but she periodically kept in touch. She’d send him a short message on his birthday and at Christmas, just a simple variation of reminding him she’d always be there for him. She was completely heart broken but there was nothing she could do. After about 7 years, one birthday he actually replied to her text and that was the beginning of the restoration of their relationship. I think you should keep occasional contact so that he knows he can always leave when he wants to.

When people say things like this I do wonder what they’d actually do, when they say they ‘wouldn’t stand for it’?

There are a lot of problems with this scenario but the main one is that it’s emotionally upsetting for the OP and wider family. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back - no bridges are burned but by not forcing yourself forwards it allows some protection.

The other problem is the more you insist on seeing the DS the more this feeds any narrative about controlling or overbearing ILs from the girl.

It is awful. I haven’t been through this with a child thankfully; mine are still little, but I did with my dad. All you can do is keep things relaxed and loving, keep the door open and protect yourself, remember your feelings matter too.

Gosh this is awful, so sorry you/he is going through this.

I wouldn't go turning up at their house simply because you have no idea what she might do to your ds after you'd left but I would ensure he knows he always has a home with you (and the child also). You would have to find a way to contact him without her knowing so there's no retaliation for your contact. Get advice about control within relationships so you'll be prepared if he gets in touch.

I’ve spoken to her mum and her mum says this is what she does but also that she is not in contact with them either which I believe because on the occasion we did meet her she did nothing but tell us how dreadful her own family are.

I agree with this, can see how you feel like he's made his choice and I'm not saying you should be running around after him or expending copious amounts of energy thinking and worrying about him; but especially with contact with his child being withheld when broken up there could be more at play. I'd just say you recognise what he's asked for but that you are there for him should he need you.

Is she meghan markle?

It's a type I recognise. My mother was like this.

I wouldn’t accept it.

Look up the story of Alex Skeel.

Be available. He might need you sooner than you think

I totally agree with this @pinksquish
Keep in touch small warm loving messages on key dates so he knows you’re there for him. The GF does not seem well.
it may be a such a worry but he will come back to you x

is this the main reason he has gone back?

I agree with this. Kicking him out was her way of crushing him, showing him who's boss etc, she'll do it again.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you but I hope you can try and be there for him. There is a bridge, try not to let it be burned, try to tend it and make space for him to reach out.

Very difficult. I wouldn't accept it that you should just give up being in touch with your own son and grandchild but of course it's very hard to maintain a relationship in these circumstances. It may take a very long time and many unsuccessful attempts but I'm sure there will be opportunities to reconnect in the future. Even if it's decades away, it's worth hoping for. It's our role as parents - to be there for our children, no matter what. I would also see if I can maintain contact with her mum, given you have a shared concern about the family dynamic and the impact on the baby.

Just sending hugs, because this must be so difficult for you, especially with a grandchild involved. Did you find out why she wants to isolate him?

So have you never seen your grandchild Op ?

How would you feel if this was a daughter and not a son who wasn’t allowed to see you anymore?

How awful for you OP. It must be devastating and so worrying. If I were you I would try and keep in touch with the odd message - just to let him know you love him and always will do and are there for him whenever he needs you. He's managed to break away from her before so I would remain hopeful that he will eventually manage to do it again.