To just accept our son is not part of our lives anymore

[pinksquish]

We were very close him growing up until he was 24 and still living at home, he met someone who took an instant dislike to all of us, his sisters and his grandparents and his father and stepmum so he stopped contact with all of us.
He very quickly moved in with her, stopped seeing his friends and they had a baby.
She kicked him out, he came home apologetic that she wouldn’t let him speak to any of us, his friends or relatives and he seemed to move on, had other relationships and continued a relationship with his dad and stepmum and grandparents, siblings etc.
Now he has got back together with her, and once again he has blocked us and his other family members and his friends as she has made it a condition of their reconciliation.
Do we just accept that he has made this choice and we are no longer part of his life or do we reach out occasionally so he knows we care but risk that causing trouble for him?

Are you able to contact him through his work? Can you send him something that makes him think about a happy childhood memory? Something to disrupt his current way of thinking.

My friends in same situation … the controlling woman got police involved and no contact order … no reason they just want “no contact”. They call police if Xmas card is sent!! That’s right, the police take action for Xmas card but prob not if you get burgled!!

They miss their son, there’s no grandchildren.

They occasionally rent a car or van, wear disguises and park nearby to see if they can catch a glimpse of their adult son.

They assume woman has MH, anxiety or something. She doesn’t work and is very pampered and “spoiled” with constant gifts & Disney trips. Before they went NC, friend was shocked that her son spent so much £££ on gifts for her … weirdly she hardly leaves her house. He does everything for her, and she has that much control over him.

Even if he wasn't on the birth certificate, could have requested a declaration of parentage, then go through the steps for custody or visitation rights.

The OP post immediately reminded me of this case.

I'm sorry OP.

It's heartbreaking because it sounds like he went back because it was the only way he could see his child!
Just let him know that you're there, perhaps offer him out to a few things. Understand that he might say no or ignore but there's a chance that he could accept an invitation one day.
I'm not one to jump to court but he will have his freedom by getting a court order agreement of when he can have his child and then he can live the rest of his life. Obviously it's all an ordeal so it sounds like he's trying to make it work in the way he knows how.

She is very abusive. Do you know where he works? I would definitely try to get in contact with him that way if you can, ie not via his mobile which she most likely monitors. She most likely also monitors his movements by tagging him.

Having left an abusive man, I will say that he might not realise that what she is doing is abusive and controlling. She might say to him that she only behaves this way because she loves him so much, nobody else will ever love him like she does, or she might threaten suicide or even to hurt their child if he steps out of line. She’s also most likely damaged his self esteem and gaslit him into thinking he doesn’t have a choice. When you eventually try to leave these people, they become dangerous.

You need to absolutely leave a door ajar. If and when he contacts you, it is very likely that he will need to go down the legal route. If he leaves, most likely he will leave with nothing. If you can, save up for this moment.

Just to add as I've read your post on him not being on the birth certificate - this can also be done through the court system.

Suspect she just wants another baby, full sibling, and will soon kick him to the kerb again anyway...

Does your son work? If so (and you’re not blocked by him), I would send him a message updating him on your and the family’s news from that week during his work time so he can read it without her around. He can delete it if he needs or wants to. Keep it friendly and end every message with a “we miss you”, “Hope baby is well”, “love you always” “let us know if you need anything” kind of thing. Non confrontational but it lets him know that you will always be there if and when he wants you. Keep that dialogue open.

Hopefully he will find his way back to you and you have done your best to facilitate that. If not you then maybe a sibling or cousin he is close to can invite him out for lunch or a drink and see how the land lies?

I’m so sorry, I would be devastated and worried in equal measure if it were one of mine x

No advice OP, but it's heartbreaking reading what you've put. I really hope he finds his way back to you x

Personally I’d let him know he’s in a coercive relationship and that he has to break free as soon as possible. Say she’s wasting years of his life isolating him and give him a helpline to assist. He’s clearly kicked out whenever it suits her so he’ll be back out as soon as she finds the next ready wallet that’s a bit fatter.

At this stage the police probably can't do much, but social services can presumably open a file, and if the grandchild turns up at A&E one day that can be tied in. I would hope, at least.

That's a really bad idea.

Aah I’m so sorry, that must be really hard.

He will probably come back when he realises the bad decisions he made, be prepared for it to be cycle though some people keep on making bad decisions realising and do it again on repeat

Just keep the door open

The truth is there is very little you can do.

He’s an adult and you have no way to contact him.

I think the idea above from a pp was a good one - to write birthday/xmas cards (you keep with lonely msgs in) and open a bank about for him and your grandchild to put money in for missed presents.

Then when he re establishes contact (and from what you’ve posted I think he will - even if it takes a long time) you can demonstrate to him that you’ve never stopped thinking about him and your GC and love them both very much - basically lots of evidence that undermines any alternative narrative from his partner.

She sounds like a nasty controlling person. Hopefully your son will see sense.

My son is nearly 30 and he did this when he had his first gf late teens. She hated all of us, then finished with him. But he was never the same person after. He now has a lovely GF and has just cut me out his life despite me giving him lots of love etc.
It's awful but ai am learning to live with it.

Oh I am sorry. So painful for you
All you can do is keep in occasional contact via the channels still open to you
Email/ text etc.
He will come back to you, I’m almost certain.
could you contact him at his workplace?
it seems he is a victim of Coercive control

Go to the property. If he's there and you can talk to him alone, give him a burner phone that he can use to contact you if he needs to, when he's ready.

If he accepts, you may have some chance. If not, you'll need to walk away and wait for him to come to his senses, if he ever does.

If your son is a good person he'll be wanting to raise his child. He's likely too terrified to push back against her through fear of losing access again.

Or maybe he's drank the cool aid and doesn't want anything to do with you.

Either way, pushing him to act or confronting them/her is only going to feed into the fantasy she's selling him. Unless you suspect that he's in danger, sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Sorry that you're going through this.

I am sorry for you OP, that is an awful situation, but you don't accept or give up anything for your son. What age is he now? @FizzyLemonSwizel said it best

If be worried about your grandchild as well. Do you think they need a welfare check? Is there a way to find out where they live? Ask the police for advice. Tell them about her behaviour and that you're concerned about your grandchild in her care.

Really hope DS comes back to you soon.

I'd like to think I would always reach out. Even a weekly text. Hello son, I'm sending you and the baby lots of love, hope everything is OK. I'm here when you're ready to talk. - especially if you know it's not a decision he is making himself. Keep it short, keep it light. Nothing derogatory about his partner. It doesn't sound like it's going to last so he needs to know that if and when he is ready to leave her that he has the support of his mum/parents/family/friends there.

She sounds abusive and could well be abusing him. Definitely keep in touch with him. Once a month, send him a text or an email, just something light, just saying hi, hope you're well, and a quick catch up on anything new, miss you, love you.

We have had a similar thing happen to us with DH's son.

He met a woman and changed into someone we didn't recognise. He has dropped us and other family but the difference is he tried to steal a load of money into the bargain which I wouldn't allow. They have turned this into a narrative of how we are asking for the loan back early and pushed then into penury which is not the case at all.

We dropped the rope entirely as it was having such a bad effect on DH who already had cancer.

This was nine years ago and DH has gone through so much bad stuff since that it all feels like his life back then was a book he read once and we never talk about his son any more.

It is truly disgusting how some people behave and on a whim.