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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just accept our son is not part of our lives anymore

76 replies

pinksquish · 10/05/2025 20:35

We were very close him growing up until he was 24 and still living at home, he met someone who took an instant dislike to all of us, his sisters and his grandparents and his father and stepmum so he stopped contact with all of us.
He very quickly moved in with her, stopped seeing his friends and they had a baby.
She kicked him out, he came home apologetic that she wouldn’t let him speak to any of us, his friends or relatives and he seemed to move on, had other relationships and continued a relationship with his dad and stepmum and grandparents, siblings etc.
Now he has got back together with her, and once again he has blocked us and his other family members and his friends as she has made it a condition of their reconciliation.
Do we just accept that he has made this choice and we are no longer part of his life or do we reach out occasionally so he knows we care but risk that causing trouble for him?

OP posts:
Nearlythere09 · 10/05/2025 21:45

OP, there are support websites out there for males in abusive relationships. I would contact them and seek advice. I feel like your son needs help more than ever and now is not the time to let go. He may not be aware that he has a right to see the child if he splits up with his girlfriend and may be scared of consequences.

This website might help:

mensadviceline.org.uk/male-victims/what-is-domestic-abuse/emotional-abuse/

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 10/05/2025 21:46

My son was in a relationship like that. When they needed us for things, like decorating, or moving, or driving to collect a puppy then he was allowed to see us. She never said thank you, or spoke to us and as soon as they moved (and we helped) he wasn’t allowed to see us. He wasn’t allowed to work(he was her “carer”, he wasn’t allowed to go to family events(she wouldn’t go). We basically had to wait it out, but she eventually fucked off(leaving him in a right old mess). So just keep lines of communication open and let him know you are there.

VeganStar · 10/05/2025 21:48

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It must be heartbreaking.
Does your son work? If so could you turn up and wait to see him there.
She may be monitoring his calls and messages so if you could somehow see him in person to tell him that you’ll always be there for him it may give him some hope knowing you understand the situation he may have found himself in.
It may even give him some strength to leave her.
I hope you can find a way to contact him to put your mind at rest.

Mrsknowitall · 10/05/2025 21:49

He is a man now, all you can do is let him know your door is always open for him to return, and if he does come back then help him with family courts so that he can get access to his child as that is probably the reason he went back to her. I feel your pain as I am also estranged from my son, I’ve accepted it now but it still makes my heart ache xx

DogsOnFilm · 10/05/2025 21:49

pinksquish · 10/05/2025 20:49

No she didn’t let him see their child during the separation

Show quote history

How long did they split up for? She can’t stop him seeing his child without good reason. Did he not seek legal intervention rather than just not seeing his child?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/05/2025 21:58

pinksquish · 10/05/2025 20:54

I’ve spoken to her mum and her mum says this is what she does but also that she is not in contact with them either which I believe because on the occasion we did meet her she did nothing but tell us how dreadful her own family are.

Show quote history

And yet there are still some people out there who refuse to believe that women can be abusers too.

I would send birthday and Xmas cards/gifts to him and your grandchild. She may well bin them, but at least he will know that you still think of him, you still care. That way he wont stay just because he thinks he has no where else to go. Next time they split (which they will) I would help him as much as you can to go to court re the child as the child probably the reason he went back.

Its good that her mum has said that this is her MO. Maybe talk to her in Whatsapp or text so if you need it, you have it in writing that her own mother said that she isolates her partners from their friends and family. Would be massively helpful in court.

ItGhoul · 10/05/2025 22:05

He’s in an abusive and coercive relationship. I certainly wouldn’t just ‘accept’ it. I would certainly do anything could to at least make sure he knows you’re there for him and that you’re worried and would help him without judgement if he needs support.

justkeepswimingswiming · 10/05/2025 22:06

I’d report it to the police & social services. She’s abusing him and most likely abusing your grandchild.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/05/2025 22:09

Be there for him but I'd consider reporting it to the police as it sounds like she's abusing him.

Meadowfinch · 10/05/2025 22:10

No, he's your ds, he will always be your ds. You make it clear that he will always be welcome. You keep up with birthday wishes, sharing family news etc.

He'll come round eventually.

justasking111 · 10/05/2025 22:13

Just tread lightly, cards, gifts at appropriate times. He knows you love him.

My friend went through this with her son who was overseas when the woman latched onto him. Got pregnant, he was mad about her so she moved in bringing an older child. Then the mother rocked up and moved in.

Two years later she threw him out. Lots of nasty legal stuff, she wouldn't allow access, but wanted more money to run his house. Finally the judge said enough, he's allowed access to his child.

Fast forward she started looking for partner number three so he looks after both children a lot of the time now because she's got such a busy social life. And her mother works.

Women like this do move on because they don't respect their partners.

MelliC · 10/05/2025 22:14

Please don't give up on him. He sounds like he really needs you.
Can you send him letters to him via his work? Put a stamped postcards for him to reply discretely if he wants.

justasking111 · 10/05/2025 22:16

MelliC · 10/05/2025 22:14

Please don't give up on him. He sounds like he really needs you.
Can you send him letters to him via his work? Put a stamped postcards for him to reply discretely if he wants.

I thought about that but if she were to find out he and child would be the ones to suffer. Unless you think she'll destroy them saying nothing.

Supergirl1958 · 10/05/2025 22:17

pinksquish · 10/05/2025 20:35

We were very close him growing up until he was 24 and still living at home, he met someone who took an instant dislike to all of us, his sisters and his grandparents and his father and stepmum so he stopped contact with all of us.
He very quickly moved in with her, stopped seeing his friends and they had a baby.
She kicked him out, he came home apologetic that she wouldn’t let him speak to any of us, his friends or relatives and he seemed to move on, had other relationships and continued a relationship with his dad and stepmum and grandparents, siblings etc.
Now he has got back together with her, and once again he has blocked us and his other family members and his friends as she has made it a condition of their reconciliation.
Do we just accept that he has made this choice and we are no longer part of his life or do we reach out occasionally so he knows we care but risk that causing trouble for him?

No advice other than to say we are in a similar position with my sister. We very much suspect she is being coercively controlled but unfortunately there is nothing we can do

Original poster
pinksquish · 10/05/2025 22:17

Christwosheds · 10/05/2025 21:41

So have you never seen your grandchild Op ?

No none of the family have ever met him and she didn’t let him see him while they were separated in case he let us meet him.
She hasn’t put his name on the birth certificate and they are not married so he has no parental responsibility.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 10/05/2025 22:19

I would keep in contact as much as possible in this case. Sounds like coercive control. He will need to know someone is there when he wants to leave.

justasking111 · 10/05/2025 22:21

My granny gave my mother the advice. Always have running away money. My mother said the same to me.

So perhaps for birthdays, Christmas. Open two accounts, depositing money for both instead of buying gifts. It's normal to open an account for a grandchild anyway.

MamaLenny · 10/05/2025 22:25

I agree with sending birthday cards and christmas cards, and the occasional text just to say love you, missing you. Let him know your door is always open.

If they break up and she refuses access to the child again, he can get a solicitor if he or you could afford it. I have a male relative who took his ex to court because she was so unreasonable and the court order has made things much more fair. One thing that worked in his favour was that he always paid child support and kept any texts proving that he was asking fot reasonable contact and she was the unreasonable one.

I am sorry, sounds very stressful

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/05/2025 22:28

Oh, that's awful.
I would be heart-broken too.
Keep the door open and your.mind busy, sadly there isn't much you can do while he is refusing to communicate. 💐

Original poster
pinksquish · 10/05/2025 22:30

BountifulPantry · 10/05/2025 22:19

I would keep in contact as much as possible in this case. Sounds like coercive control. He will need to know someone is there when he wants to leave.

We have no way of contacting him, all his family are blocked and he has no social media anymore, I don’t really know if they are still at the same property at it was rented.

OP posts:
LunaDeBallona · 10/05/2025 22:37

Sorry, posted on wrong thread,

MBL · 10/05/2025 22:38

I'm so sorry for this situation. It just sounds so sad. Maybe you could email him/call at work, just to say you're there if he ever needs you. He will likely be back as the relationship doesn't sound healthy. You must be so worried.

HeyCooper · 10/05/2025 22:42

I’d assume he’s in an abusive relationship and reach out regularly to say you love him, miss him and are here for him when he’s ready.

2021x · 10/05/2025 22:45

You must be so worried. This has all the hallmarks of a coercive relationship.

There isn’t actually much you can do as a family as he is an adult. Maybe give the Samaritans a call and talk through your feelings. They might have details of support groups for you.

Proudmummy67 · 10/05/2025 22:48

This his heart breaking and sounds like a parents worst nightmare. I'm afraid I don't have any advice apart from never give up on him. What a nasty piece of work!! Does he have an email you could possibly send a message to? Even if you were unsure if he still uses it, it may be worth leaving a message there in case he does see it one day. Sending you all love!