To think brides should organise their own hen weekends ?

[Flowersandchoc]

I’m in the process of organising my sister’s hen weekend and I’m honestly at the end of my tether with it…

DS has told me the exact itinerary she wants for her hen & given me a shortlist of locations, which I suppose in some ways has made life easier but I can’t help thinking if she has such a clear idea then she should just do it herself !! But of course she won’t because organising a Hen Weekend is a huge amount of effort.

Trying to find a house for 20 people, researching activities & nightlife, booking everything, thinking about logistics, having to dip into savings to pay for everything up front then hoping everyone will pay me back etc etc I’m just honestly sick to the back teeth of it.

AIBU for thinking Brides should organise their own Hens if they want a weekend away? And there is no way Brides would want a Hen Weekend away if they had to arrange the whole thing themselves??

My 'close friend' stopped speaking to me a few years ago after I dropped out of her hen night. Her DD was to make all the decisions as to where we were going to be staying for two nights, including what activities etc we were to be doing too.

The trip was planned 80 miles away from where we all live, her DD had arranged and booked everything, giving only a week's notice to pay up (this was organised almost a year before the actual wedding!), and had originally insisted that the whole weekend would cost £200.00 each max. She also arranged for the trip to consist mostly of her own friends and, via the WhatsApp group, a few people started to drop out.

Brides DD told everyone remaining we would now have to make up the shortfall for the people who were no longer going, bumping the price up massively (there were originally going to be about 20 of us staying in a large house).

We were also told that we'd be footing all of the bill for the bride, down to the last penny, as the "bride shouldn't have to fork out for her own hen do" . Not that it matters, but it was the bride's second time around.

I quickly messaged friends DD, politely saying that the trip would be too expensive for me, as there was no way it was going to only cost £200, and would be more like £500 after factoring in extra costs, including extra rent, transport, drinks, food and so on.
I was told "ok, don't worry about letting my mum down, but you are still expected to give me £80.00 for your share of the rent for the house"

(I realised that the DD was not only expecting people who couldn't make it pay for the deposit, but also expecting everyone else's bill to go up to compensate for the drop outs!, there by trying to make money so her costs would be cheaper!) CF!

Because I said I didn't think I should pay as it wasn't my fault that she'd booked the house without giving people a chance to think it over, and because the costs were getting out of hand, her mum never spoke to me again after telling me that I'd let her down by dropping out.
For what it's worth, I'd said to her DD that I'd like to take her mum out (with a few others) to a local night out, so she could have two hen do's. This wasn't good enough. Fuck em.

"Hi everyone.
As you may know, I'm on maternity leave at the moment, so things are stretched a bit too tight for me to cover everyone else's costs up-front. So would you all please transfer me your share of the up-front costs (£x ) by 21 May, so that I don't have to cancel the bookings.
I think it's fairest if we say no exceptions, so that no one thinks they are being treated differently. Of course if you come to an arrangement with another attendee where one person pays for two and you settle up between yourselves later, that's totally fine.
Really looking forward to seeing you all!
Flowers xx

I don’t agree with the hens paying for the bride and also paying ££££ for a hen weekend (and in some cases the wedding to)

At the end of the day it’s the bride and groom that have decided to get married. Why should the people around them have to pay the equivalent of a monthly mortgage payment (or more) to acknowledge that?

See the recent thread from a bridezilla moaning that people are dropping out because extra costs have been added on (“it’s only an extra £170”). As I said on that thread, I could afford to pay it, I know a lot of others that couldn’t. I still wouldn’t want to though as costs for hens are ridiculous and what for, pictures for the ‘gram??

I don't think it'd unreasonable to decide it's too much bother. Not everyone is going to want to travel long distance or arrange an overnight stay just for an evening out, especially if you don't really know the other people there. You're more likely to make that effort for a proper mini break.

I think that's the problem with more dispersed guestlists, expectations of hosting goes up because it's costing you more time and money to attend.

Yes it would make life so much easier for the poor sods who end up copping for the arrangements, especially when the bride has such a clear vision on what they want. Any deviation and you know they’d be disappointed. The bride also knows the dynamics of her friendships and who they really want there rather than expecting a third person to understand who may not want to sit next to who and all the other bollocks.

I really would not put myself forward to plan anything like this. The organiser usually has to pay up front and chase money off people too which I absolutely wouldn’t be happy with.

Agreed, I pretty much organised my own hen with help from my bridesmaid and mum. It was 15 years ago so before hen dos were insane!

Organised my own Hen. It was great.
My friends have enough to be doing…

I organised mine, but it was literally just an evening BBQ and drinks at my family home. It felt like an annoying thing to lump onto someone else.

Why do they get a chance to save while you pay upfront tell your ds that you cannot afford to wait and you want the money before you pay out. Or she pays then she gets it back the one organising s usually the one that gets stung when someone drops out. Also if it’s too much tell ds you want her to make the decision and you will arrange it. Some bridezillas on here its your wedding your not special you should be grateful people are attending these hen parties why do women expect others to care as much as they do about there wedding. Come on brides get real.

My sister organised my but I'd sent her a property I liked and it was booked via a hen company who organised the activities I wanted to do. I've organised hens in the past where we've had to organise everything separately by ourselves and it was a total pain. Have a look at Acacia cottages. We stayed in a farmhouse between Bath and Bristol and did life drawing and had a spa morning by the outdoor pool and then had a private chef dinner. It was great fun!

Just to add I had 2 pregnant friends and my sister had not long had my niece at mine which is why I picked activities that weren't all about drinking. Life drawing we did in the afternoon in the garden and while we did have drinks, it wasn't alcohol focussed.

This sounds absolutely perfect 👌

Or maybe brides could just accept that nobody needs a hen weekend, and that they should just concentrate on welcoming their guests to the actual wedding, which is the only bit that matters

Sounds a total nightmare. But you have a baby so wondering if you are married and who organised your hen do if you had one??

I voted YANBU but it's really a bit of both imo. I do think it should be the bridesmaids who organise a hen do, but I don't think they should be such huge, expensive, complicated events. I hate this trend for whole weekends away or even mini holidays. I got married 9 months ago and my 2 bridesmaids planned it all and kept the details secret from me which was lovely. But they knew I only wanted a meal in a restaurant and drinks somewhere afterwards, and I did give them a list of who needed to be invited plus contact numbers so it wasn't complicated.
It's as if brides these days think no one else in the world has ever got married, when actually almost everyone does and you're not that special.

I agree. Have always thought if I get married I would organise my own hen! Maybe people might think of a few surprises but I would feel bad someone busy having to organise it and create stress for them! Most of my friends have kids and busy lives. I would try and keep costs down, the most part really would be having all my friends together

YABU for saying hen weekend. It should be hen NIGHT. You're indulging in this nonsense with your sister isn't helping.

I can’t believe women are willing to risk being out of pocket for these things. The entire premise of a giant group holiday is ridiculous, but if you are going to proceed, everyone needs to pay before anything is booked.

Free for the bride made sense when it was one night out dinner and drinks. If one part of a tradition changes, other parts should change as well.

My sister and I both organised our own - they were simple and easy and required very little financial input. It’s f-ing ridiculous to expect other people to organise a group holiday/day out on your behalf (before you even get to the nutty ones who think the hen shouldn’t have to pay either!).

YANBU
I couldn't be bothered with it. Too many friends who didn't know each other.
Then someone phoned me up "what's happening" within a couple of hours she talked me into having one with an ice breaker event before it and it wasn't too expensive either. It was one overnight.

I didn't want family or friends to be put out with £££ trips or tons of time away from their kids and time off work.

Organise AND pay for.

I would rather organise my own hen really, rather than stress out others.
I would keep it simple, a meal and some drinks, maybe preceded by an activity such as bowling or something similar.
The cost should be reasonably modest so that all the attendees could afford it.

No way would I want or expect a hen weekend which, after reading some of the threads on here, are fraught with stress and unexpected costs. These weekends also exclude ladies with restricted finances and childcare issues. I would want my hen to be as inclusive and stress free as possible. 😁

I’m a bride and I 100% agree with you !

That is exactly what I had at my hen do. This was back in early 2000s, so very low key and tame compared to today's expectations.

There is no need to have an expensive weekend abroad with a dozen others who you hardly know. I can imagine it must be very stressful and far from fun when you're on holiday with a dozen others you hardly know.