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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think brides should organise their own hen weekends ?

114 replies

Flowersandchoc · 09/05/2025 22:13

I’m in the process of organising my sister’s hen weekend and I’m honestly at the end of my tether with it…

DS has told me the exact itinerary she wants for her hen & given me a shortlist of locations, which I suppose in some ways has made life easier but I can’t help thinking if she has such a clear idea then she should just do it herself !! But of course she won’t because organising a Hen Weekend is a huge amount of effort.

Trying to find a house for 20 people, researching activities & nightlife, booking everything, thinking about logistics, having to dip into savings to pay for everything up front then hoping everyone will pay me back etc etc I’m just honestly sick to the back teeth of it.

AIBU for thinking Brides should organise their own Hens if they want a weekend away? And there is no way Brides would want a Hen Weekend away if they had to arrange the whole thing themselves??

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 10/05/2025 06:53

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 06:46

I didn’t feel like I could do this because it’s such a large group and I’m sure everyone would have different opinions and I don’t want my sister to think I’ve not put enough effort into it 😞

Really hoping everyone does pay me back as I’m on maternity leave so no way of replacing savings now - they all said they are committed but DS said I need to give everyone a couple of months notice so they’ve all got chance to save for it which I suppose makes sense but means I’m the one out of pocket for it until they pay.

Show quote history

Whatsapp group.
Give an estimate cost up front. Make sure everyone is agreeable.

As you book stuff as for the money immediately.

Do not be out of pocket.

Simplepink · 10/05/2025 06:54

Honestly OP if you’re organising a large activity filled hen do you need to set the WhatsApp up - figure out what each attendee will be spending and get costs sent through to yourself to cover things. Otherwise it will just be really stressful.
if it’s say a full weekend and you will need a couple of hundred from each hen you need to explain what people need to pay in advance. They then send you the money and you have the funds to book.

this is completely normal and expected nowadays and no one will think you’re it of order for asking for money upfront.

you then use said money to get everything booked. A spreadsheet is a good idea.
WhatsApp polls good for some stuff but don’t give the group too much choice as 30 different people will have 30 different opinions!

SpanThatWorld · 10/05/2025 07:00

Our team at work wanted to do a hen do when our colleague got married.
One of us booked the cream tea.
One of us booked cocktails nearby.
Then we went to the pub.

All very lovely. Noone out of pocket. Everyone went home on the tube.

Original poster
Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 07:14

I’m pretty far down the line with it all so have done the WhatsApp group / spreadsheet etc but it’s just all the planning that’s taken up so much of my time and I’m just starting to feel like it’s a huge burden for one person to arrange.

OP posts:
MumChp · 10/05/2025 07:16

TiswasPhantomFlanFlinger · 09/05/2025 22:20

Organising a hen do these days is so much effort because it’s rarely a meal and a night club in your local town or city, like it used to be.

This!
I don't offer more. If you want more you find another person to make it happen.

ChocolateIsForLife · 10/05/2025 07:19

Please get a deposit from everyone. People will drop out even with this. Money was the biggest issue on the hen do I helped organise, someone actually left the hen do over a disagreement about it. Get people to pay in 3 stages or something. Honestly you could be really financially down if you don’t start getting money from them.

LemonCake91 · 10/05/2025 07:19

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 06:46

I didn’t feel like I could do this because it’s such a large group and I’m sure everyone would have different opinions and I don’t want my sister to think I’ve not put enough effort into it 😞

Really hoping everyone does pay me back as I’m on maternity leave so no way of replacing savings now - they all said they are committed but DS said I need to give everyone a couple of months notice so they’ve all got chance to save for it which I suppose makes sense but means I’m the one out of pocket for it until they pay.

Show quote history

All the hen dos I have been on have been large groups and we have all had some part in organising the day whether that’s responsibility for collecting something, having a say in accommodation, etc. The last one I attended, it was all hands on deck to find accommodation because we were a large group and it was a bit last minute. Hen dos nowadays are not an evening out in town so I don’t think it’s realistic or the norm to do this yourself anymore!

Again, every hen do I have ever been on, payment upfront. I have never questioned this and other than maybe one or two who have had limited funds and have sat out of one or two activities due to the cost, it was just never an issue.

Costs can add up fast so don’t leave yourself in a crap situation. Small things like goody bags, T shirts and decorations can add up to so factor these into the cost.

BlueMum16 · 10/05/2025 07:25

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 07:14

I’m pretty far down the line with it all so have done the WhatsApp group / spreadsheet etc but it’s just all the planning that’s taken up so much of my time and I’m just starting to feel like it’s a huge burden for one person to arrange.

Is there a friend who can help.

Have they started paying you back? People drop off. Get the cash now.

WhatNoRaisins · 10/05/2025 07:30

Chances are that the bride has an awkward mishmash of different friends that don't know each other and are spread all over the place. Given that the bride is probably the only one who knows them all it makes sense for them to organise.

I'd never organise a hen, besides the trying to please everyone I'd feel really stressed needing to get money from complete strangers to pay for it.

Muddymiddle · 10/05/2025 07:33

Octavia64 · 09/05/2025 22:33

I arranged my own hen. I told everyone we were going down the pub on X day and please join me. Bloody good night.

Love this. Good for you!

This should be the new trend

rookiemere · 10/05/2025 07:36

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 06:46

I didn’t feel like I could do this because it’s such a large group and I’m sure everyone would have different opinions and I don’t want my sister to think I’ve not put enough effort into it 😞

Really hoping everyone does pay me back as I’m on maternity leave so no way of replacing savings now - they all said they are committed but DS said I need to give everyone a couple of months notice so they’ve all got chance to save for it which I suppose makes sense but means I’m the one out of pocket for it until they pay.

Show quote history

So DS is happy to see you out of pocket on your maternity leave, rather than her friends.
I would refuse to do that. If it’s too late I would tell everyone that you have paid and you need the money back asap, don’t wait until nearer the time because people will then drop out. If you can’t get the full amount at least get a sizeable deposit.

In answer to your question, I organised my own hen do, we went to this cheap youth hostel type place in the Lake District. It was only £50 per person and booked in my name and if anyone dropped out I would have paid for it - they didn’t.

SelinaPlace · 10/05/2025 07:55

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 06:46

I didn’t feel like I could do this because it’s such a large group and I’m sure everyone would have different opinions and I don’t want my sister to think I’ve not put enough effort into it 😞

Really hoping everyone does pay me back as I’m on maternity leave so no way of replacing savings now - they all said they are committed but DS said I need to give everyone a couple of months notice so they’ve all got chance to save for it which I suppose makes sense but means I’m the one out of pocket for it until they pay.

Show quote history

Ask her why she thinks you should be footing the bill?

LlynTegid · 10/05/2025 07:56

Better still, go back to the old tradition of a hen night. One evening out, probably somewhere local to where the bride lives.

Doesn't make much difference then who makes the arrangements.

lavenderlou · 10/05/2025 07:58

Yanbu. People have friends all over the place. I had to organise a hen for a friend and it was really hard work having never met many of the guests. We had to consist the bride about almost everything anyway to make sure it was all things she would be happy with. I'm not married but there is no way I'd be comfortable expecting friend or families to spend ages planning a day based around me.

Jc2001 · 10/05/2025 07:59

Flowersandchoc · 09/05/2025 22:13

I’m in the process of organising my sister’s hen weekend and I’m honestly at the end of my tether with it…

DS has told me the exact itinerary she wants for her hen & given me a shortlist of locations, which I suppose in some ways has made life easier but I can’t help thinking if she has such a clear idea then she should just do it herself !! But of course she won’t because organising a Hen Weekend is a huge amount of effort.

Trying to find a house for 20 people, researching activities & nightlife, booking everything, thinking about logistics, having to dip into savings to pay for everything up front then hoping everyone will pay me back etc etc I’m just honestly sick to the back teeth of it.

AIBU for thinking Brides should organise their own Hens if they want a weekend away? And there is no way Brides would want a Hen Weekend away if they had to arrange the whole thing themselves??

I think if the bride is going to dictate all the parameters of the hen do then they should do it themselves.

Hufflemuff · 10/05/2025 07:59

TeenLifeMum · 09/05/2025 22:21

Brides are busy organising a wedding so I think it’s nice if the hens do some planning. That said, demanding brides with ideas that don’t align with the group’s budgets are the worst.

Well they wanted to get married, of course they need to organise a wedding. If that's really too much on their plate, then they need to scale back plans or hire a wedding planner. It's ridiculous to expect everyone to plan their Hen do because the brides "busy".

Aren't we all busy?

Croquembouchiere · 10/05/2025 08:01

I did organise mine with my sister and a few of them came up with some welcome and some pretty unwelcome surprises.

Welcome = chocolate fountain and make up artist
Unwelcome = butler in the buff and limo which took us to a nightclub in a nearby city (I had wanted to stay in, wear pjs, drink cocktails and have snacks at my mum's house. Ended up having to scrape a hen off the floor of the nightclub as she was too drunk and passing out, then the bouncers had to kick her out of the back door whereupon I had to find a taxi home for us 🙄)

Basically, yanbu but if she does have an itinerary in mind, I wouldn't deviate too much from it. She should have offered to organise it herself or with you too

maddening · 10/05/2025 08:02

I organised mine which was cocktail making class, meal and a bar after that. Had a great time.

Deckings · 10/05/2025 08:02

You are out of your mind not to get paid up front if you are paying money.

Too often people back out and the organiser ends up footing the balance.

Absolutely no way I would be booking anything that commits my money.

pilates · 10/05/2025 08:06

I totally agree with you. Do not front any money you cannot rely on people.

GabriellaMontez · 10/05/2025 08:06

Flowersandchoc · 10/05/2025 06:46

I didn’t feel like I could do this because it’s such a large group and I’m sure everyone would have different opinions and I don’t want my sister to think I’ve not put enough effort into it 😞

Really hoping everyone does pay me back as I’m on maternity leave so no way of replacing savings now - they all said they are committed but DS said I need to give everyone a couple of months notice so they’ve all got chance to save for it which I suppose makes sense but means I’m the one out of pocket for it until they pay.

Show quote history

Your sister said you should pay and give the others time to save???!!!

Absolute cf.

You're not a bank.

Get the money up front. Don't risk a really awkward/expensive situation.

It she wants to give loans, she can do it from her account.

Doggymummar · 10/05/2025 08:20

I did this once. I asked everyone what they wanted to spend, got them to pay and then booked stuff accordingly. Also there are travel agents for this kind of thing, we did a night in Manchester and they arranged it all to suit the budget. I think I did end up a tiny bit out of pocket but in the whole it was sorted amicably.

NOTANUM · 10/05/2025 08:22

The whole thing is madness!

I think we need a campaign for reverting to a night out in the same town or in the place where most attendees live.

I married where I grew up so had the hen where I lived at the time. That way, each bunch just had to travel once. A restaurant and bar was ideal and anyone who travelled stayed with me or with other friends in the area. Some of those extra people joined us at the hen!

minnienono · 10/05/2025 08:26

How about just not doing them, they seem to cause so many problems! Go back to dinner and a club! We arranged a table in a local cafe bar place for men, women and kids could be there too until 9pm, buy your own food and drink on an app, had 24 people come, fun night then off to the pub on the corner at 10 for the last hour of the band on. Really relaxed atmosphere as no silly expectations and drinking kept in check because the wedding was the following dayGrin

SelinaPlace · 10/05/2025 08:30

If a bride or groom doesn’t have time to organise their own hen because it’s such an exhausting, complicated farrago of bookings, accommodation, flights, activities, date-juggling, payments etc, then surely that’s a perfectly good rationale for reverting to a night out wherever the bride lives, attended by whoever can make it.