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Original poster

My partners wants a baby I’m unsure

99 replies

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 09:45

My partner wants to have a baby but I’m on the unsure side. I already have a 4 year old and he has previously nearly became a dad but at the time he was not ready and him and his ex decided to have an abortion

He said it feels right and he doesn’t want to wait any longer because of his age. But I’m unsure, I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary. He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation. He is on the side of he will do whatever he has to do so we can have a baby. And I’m on the side of I’m doing alright with a 4 year old a full time job and keeping up with my responsibility’s. I said to him I would not be able to work as much as I am and have two kids. He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much. But ln my mind I know If his plan fails I will be working a full time job with two kids as I work from home and I will be ran ragged, while he’s working in the office. Plus my job is a good job, I don’t think it’s wise to leave without certainty.

He gets upset as he believes he can achieve this and that I am not fully sure about what he’s saying

am I being unreasonable and has anyone got any advice ?

(posting on another thread as not sure where to post)

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 09/05/2025 09:50

Do not have a baby half-heartedly to please a man!

He says he will make it work but I presume is not taking any active steps to actually earn more or do anything that would make you feel different? Again. Do not have a baby to please a man.

AnonWho23 · 09/05/2025 09:57

How long habe you been together. I dont know but I get the impression this is a newish relationship.

Having a baby is not something you should do unless you're 100% sure you want one. Ultimately, you will get left holding the baby if the relationship doesn't work. Also you need to be sure you want HIS baby particularly. This is a lifetime commitment. You will be stuck with him in your life forever.

user1471538275 · 09/05/2025 10:01

A baby should only be when both people are enthusiastic about it, financial plans or security has already been achieved and there is stability in the relationship, preferably legal stability.

You sound happy with your life as it is now. Pregnancy and motherhood will always affect you far more than him, always and for a lot longer time.

CrashSlapHurrah · 09/05/2025 10:06

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/05/2025 09:50

Do not have a baby half-heartedly to please a man!

He says he will make it work but I presume is not taking any active steps to actually earn more or do anything that would make you feel different? Again. Do not have a baby to please a man.

Exactly. Never have a baby you don't absolutely want, and having one to please someone else is a recipe for disaster. You have perfectly valid financial, childcare and career concerns. It's up to him to address his own work situation. Tell him that once he has done so, you will be open to having a conversation about possibly having a child together, but only then.

Endofyear · 09/05/2025 10:06

What is your joint financial situation? Mortgage/rent? If you are unmarried and living in his house that would put you in a precarious situation if you were to split and unable to work much with a small baby. How long have you been together? I wouldn't be having a baby with anyone unless you truly believe this is a committed long term partnership. It doesn't sound like he has much of a career plan for your financial security.

ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 09/05/2025 10:09

NEVER EVER EVER EVER should a woman have a baby she's at best ambivalent about to placate a man.

It's your body that will go through pregnancy and birth and be permanently changed. It's you that will have to take maternity leave from your job and deal with the associated drop in income and career penalties. It's you that will be left holding the baby if he changes his mind and fucks off, as men so often do.

You don't sound like you want it, so it isn't happening. I'd be very wary right now. Perhaps he genuinely just does want to be a dad, but my Spidey senses are tingling that this is about control/tying you down. Keep your eyes open, and your career going.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 09/05/2025 10:11

Don't do it. They're all full of promises that never materialise.

TimeForTeaAndG · 09/05/2025 10:17

CrashSlapHurrah · 09/05/2025 10:06

Exactly. Never have a baby you don't absolutely want, and having one to please someone else is a recipe for disaster. You have perfectly valid financial, childcare and career concerns. It's up to him to address his own work situation. Tell him that once he has done so, you will be open to having a conversation about possibly having a child together, but only then.

Show quote history

But also, don't promise that conversation unless you actually would be open to the idea down the line.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 09/05/2025 10:18

well why doesn’t he just financially step up now- why only when you have a baby. Step up and show it, actions speak louder than words

Original poster
Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 10:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he is trying and is working two jobs. But it’s still not as much as me in my one job. He would have to career change and probably re educate himself in another field. Which will take years

OP posts:
tomatoestew · 09/05/2025 10:22

Of course your not, being unsure if you want a baby is never being unreasonable, I would think of your 4 year old and ask yourselves if you’d be making any sacrifices to her quality of upbringing for this baby which wouldn’t be fair but I have a 7 month baby who’s just come through colic and reflux, I was a living zombie for months from sleepless nights (still doesn’t sleep through) and relentless screaming but I really wanted another but I couldn’t have done all this if my heart wasn’t 100% in it.
My first was a breeze and so happy and content, nothing could have prepared me for the different temperaments but babies are all different so unless it’s what you really want it’s a lot to put yourself through, not to mention your body going through pregnancy and childbirth and recovery which he won’t have to.
Yes my Dh is a brilliant support and when he’s not working he is very hands on but ultimately it’s me on maternity so it’s me at home all day while he is working and home in time for the children to go to bed so don’t have a baby because he wants one, have one if you want one.

Comedycook · 09/05/2025 10:24

You don't sound like you want a baby at all op...so don't have one. Remember if he fucks off, you'll probably be the one left doing everything. However, I think you should be honest with him.... don't give him false hope. If he wants to be a dad, then perhaps the kindest thing for both of you is to split up so he can find someone who wants the same as him.

Gundogday · 09/05/2025 10:24

How old are you both? How long have you been together?

Don’t rush into things.

You say he’s not in the best financial position. Then name a plan. He needs to improve his financial position - get a better paid job etc. Sabe heavily for a year also. Then Easter next year, assess where you are at and whether it’s viable then.

Can I ask what he does for a job? Does he work full time? Is it a ‘hobby’ type job. Eg creative? Self employed ? Waiting for the next big job/project etc?

Gundogday · 09/05/2025 10:25

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 10:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he is trying and is working two jobs. But it’s still not as much as me in my one job. He would have to career change and probably re educate himself in another field. Which will take years

If that what it takes, then that what it takes, and why hasn’t he done that before now?

Nomoreidea · 09/05/2025 10:26

Job first, baby later

User5274959 · 09/05/2025 10:27

What's he waiting for? He needs to show you now that he can step up financially.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 09/05/2025 10:28

CrashSlapHurrah · 09/05/2025 10:06

Exactly. Never have a baby you don't absolutely want, and having one to please someone else is a recipe for disaster. You have perfectly valid financial, childcare and career concerns. It's up to him to address his own work situation. Tell him that once he has done so, you will be open to having a conversation about possibly having a child together, but only then.

Show quote history

I took a similar approach when my husband said he wanted a dog. Great - show you're willing to go out for two walks a day minimum, then once you've done that, explain how we'll fit in all the other stuff too.

I'm not saying you can't ever do anything new in a relationship or that babies can't change things - but a baby is always going to make all the existing things harder, as well as stripping away opportunities for fun and relaxation.

So you need to do the things you need to do before baby, then accept that everything post-baby is going to happen more slowly, with more compromises along the way.

"I'll make it work" isn't a plan.

Mummaonherown · 09/05/2025 10:33

I love my DS dearly, but I was very unsure not because I didn't want a baby but because I was unsure about my partner (now ex)

He managed to convince me all will be ok, and he will do what was needed.
Then reality hit, and he done nothing, 4.5 years later he fucked off and left me with everything.

How long have you been together? Is he solid, no red flags showing that makes you 2nd guess about him?

If your unsure then don't do it, I'm not saying he will leave you but it is YOUR life that will change dramatically, the going comfortablely from 1 to potentially struggling to 2 will make a major difference.

Goodadvice1980 · 09/05/2025 10:37

Yanbu.

Job first, marriage then baby if you both really want one. Do not leave yourself financially vulnerable.

TheGreyQuail · 09/05/2025 10:38

OP if you don't want don't have a baby, and certainly not to please / keep him. you need to make it very clear, if the relationship breaks up it does.
Sounds like the novelty of becoming a dad and we all know what happens when that wears off... He sounds like a child asking for the latest must have toy, I'll keep my room tidy, I'll walk the dog I'll do whatever it takes to have this toy.
Another asking how long to together, if I missed it I'm sorry.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/05/2025 10:39

If I was you I’d be telling him if he really wants a baby then he needs to make all of these changes now, career change/retrain, get the financial stuff sorted. Make it very clear that only once all of that stuff is done will you consider a real chat about a baby. If he is unwilling to do that then he’s not that arsed about having a baby so either way the problem is solved.

FortyElephants · 09/05/2025 10:40

You have a child already to consider. Don't damage your financial stability and freedom to have a baby you don't really want for a man who can't financially support one.

ItGhoul · 09/05/2025 10:43

If you are 'on the unsure side' don't have a baby.

It's pretty clear from your post that you are actually very sure that you don't want to have a baby, so don't have one. You're not a brood mare. You don't have to provide a child for a man just because he's decided he wants one.

Zezet · 09/05/2025 11:00

If he is willing to get it together for the baby with a plan, he can execute his plan NOW and then you can talk.

If he can't or hasn't yet got it together, well, then there's nothing to discuss yet is there?

Either way right now there is no decision to be made at all.

Unless you want to break up with him because he is nagging you over his pretend "plans", of course.

AluckyEllie · 09/05/2025 11:20

Absolutely go with your gut. You have a child and understand how much it takes from you, how hard it is. He wants one but is being selfish- he can’t support a child. Or worse, he wants to trap you in a relationship. It doesn’t sound like you really want another child either (no judgement, I don’t mean that harshly!)

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