My partners wants a baby I’m unsure

[Bubbletea125]

My partner wants to have a baby but I’m on the unsure side. I already have a 4 year old and he has previously nearly became a dad but at the time he was not ready and him and his ex decided to have an abortion

He said it feels right and he doesn’t want to wait any longer because of his age. But I’m unsure, I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary. He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation. He is on the side of he will do whatever he has to do so we can have a baby. And I’m on the side of I’m doing alright with a 4 year old a full time job and keeping up with my responsibility’s. I said to him I would not be able to work as much as I am and have two kids. He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much. But ln my mind I know If his plan fails I will be working a full time job with two kids as I work from home and I will be ran ragged, while he’s working in the office. Plus my job is a good job, I don’t think it’s wise to leave without certainty.

He gets upset as he believes he can achieve this and that I am not fully sure about what he’s saying

am I being unreasonable and has anyone got any advice ?

(posting on another thread as not sure where to post)

Of course. That's not the same circumstances though.

It's absolutely valid if neither party wants to marry and that's been discussed.

Or even, for example, he's been totally up front about not wanting marriage and even though you do, you've decided to settle. A sad move but, wouldn't necessarily make him a bad person (Although TBF he should arguably still be discouraging you from risking having kids with him in that scenario).

But if you want marriage and he knows it and he's suggesting children first, he's a chancer.

And what’s the chances that op will end up doing everything, as the four year old is her child, not their child.

Exactly!
At the moment @Bubbletea125 its all words .
Once you see actions first tell him you will re consider. Even then you can say no.
You will be the one “trapped” by f it doesn’t go to plan .
It sounds high risk

I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary. He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation.•

Great, so he wants you to give up your financial security on the promise he will step up some point in the future?!

Don't do it!

Is he planning to move into your house as well...?

Then if she sees that not being the car she can propose so it works out in her financial favour. I bit like the shit he’s trying to pull now.

Exactly! And what he actually wants is to be a stay at home ‘dad’.

That sounds like a lovely basis for a future together. Seriously, Mumsnet makes me think no one actually wants to mutually support and love their partner for life!

To be clear, I’m not suggesting OP rolls over to his wishes. They need to decide together if and how they’d support their family. But all this being out for yourself suggestions make me sad.

I've just rtft so far, and here is my two pence on what I've read of your original post....

Bubbletea125 · Today 09:45

My partner wants to have a baby but I’m on the unsure side.

He said it feels right and he doesn’t want to wait any longer because of his age. But I’m unsure, I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary.

He gets upset as he believes he can achieve this and that I am not fully sure about what he’s saying.

Well you've answered your own question, you are unsure, and that's that.

It sounds like you are both on different pages.
If he wants a child and you dont or are not 100% for it, then cut him lose, so he can find someone to build a family with.
Dont get pregnant to keep him happy. Nope.

Don't have a baby to this man until your 100% sure that it is the right thing, for both yourself and your daughter.
As he can always change his mind and flit off into the night, while you would be left with two children to look after.

The OP’s partner has every right to become a dad as much as the OP has the right to not want another child.
Surely it’s best for them to part and allow the man to move on and find a different partner.

Doesn't sound like you want another and if he decides actually it's not all it's cracked up to be you are the one literally left holding the baby while he lives his best life as a weekend dad ( if your lucky) .
You don't sound compatible and want different things

If either party is unsure the answer has to be no.
You can always change your mind and have a baby later - you can’t put one back after having one and realizing too late it was a mistake!

The fact is women are the ones left supporting the kids alone in 99% of cases, a baby should never be a compromise we have to go into it knowing we can do it alone if need be and that's horrifying but true .
I thought I'd found one of life's true gems then my entire life was turned upside down 12 years 3 kids and pregnant with the 4th later I found out he wasn't who I thought

Then why isn't he going more towards part time and seeing to the baby he wants and he runs the house?

Do not be ridiculous.

I repeat, DO NOT

She didn't say it's not okay, she said it's something OP should consider as part of the equation.

OP, same advice as everyone else - don't have a child if you're not 100% sure you want one, and most definitely not on the basis of loose promises.

Absolutely not a chance.
Don't be the sap who ends up with rearing and paying for the child of a loser who desperately wanted a child until it no longer worked for him.

Do not do it unless you want another child and you 100% are happy to do it all alome eventually,...usually within 1-2 years.

I wouldn't dream of it, your priority is the child you have not being a baby oven for some bloke who decides he wants one.

There is no world in which i would have a child with this man in the circs you describe

Your primary responsibility is to your 4 yr old.
Pretty sure your dp would give zero fuxos about her should it all go tits up either with your health yhe second child's health or your earning capacity was diminished.

I notice despite the tears and tantrums he's not looking to marry you. Im not suggesting its a good idea for you to marry him but its odd he wants to harass you into having his child and will do "anything" but not offer you financial protection

If you have a child with him do it on the basis you will be the sole provider and he sees his kids once a fortnight

This man isn't serious.

Another thought, he may threaten to leave you if you say no, or try and implement the plans suggested above, or don’t start trying straight away. Don’t fall for this blackmail. Having a baby is a grown-up responsibility, and he needs to act like one, not like a child who wants the latest toy. If he leaves, it shows he’s not committed or responsible (or adult).

Did you chat about children early on in the relationship?
If you did and agreed, I don't think waiting for some hypothetical ideal circumstances is fair on him. Circumstances are never ideal - you want a child or you don't.

If you never led him to believe you were up for another child, it's on him.

The worst you could do is tell him to wait as circumstances will like never feel right to you. Just be honest and tell him if he wants a child, he will have to find another partner.
It's cruel to waste his years with false hope and maybes.

Does he share responsibilities currently? Do laundry, dishes, cooking etc? Do you get the impression that house life and child care would be shared with a child or would he expect you to do everything?

In this situation I’d get a puppy borrow a friends dog and see how he steps up.. I’d say he’s all talk and won’t take any of the responsibility. Night wees, training, time to play eyc.

I don't think either person should compromise on this, so if he wants his own biological child and you don't want another, then maybe you should rethink your future together

He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much.

Yeah surrrre! If a child was so important why wasn’t the “he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much” ‘plan’ already in full swing. Talk is cheap and all that.

The truth of the matter is, you’ll be literally left holding the baby if his talk, and that’s all it is, doesn’t pan out. There is more to having a baby then making vague future promises. To add further insult, he’s trying to position himself as the victim if you don’t jump at his ‘non plan’.

Hell noooooooo! You need to be 100% on board with having another child.

Tbh he just sounds like he's trying to baby trap you.

If a man suggested having babies soon to me when we weren't even married I'd turf his loser ass out the door quicker than he could even say 'babytrap'. The cheeky fucker.