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Original poster

My partners wants a baby I’m unsure

99 replies

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 09:45

My partner wants to have a baby but I’m on the unsure side. I already have a 4 year old and he has previously nearly became a dad but at the time he was not ready and him and his ex decided to have an abortion

He said it feels right and he doesn’t want to wait any longer because of his age. But I’m unsure, I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary. He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation. He is on the side of he will do whatever he has to do so we can have a baby. And I’m on the side of I’m doing alright with a 4 year old a full time job and keeping up with my responsibility’s. I said to him I would not be able to work as much as I am and have two kids. He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much. But ln my mind I know If his plan fails I will be working a full time job with two kids as I work from home and I will be ran ragged, while he’s working in the office. Plus my job is a good job, I don’t think it’s wise to leave without certainty.

He gets upset as he believes he can achieve this and that I am not fully sure about what he’s saying

am I being unreasonable and has anyone got any advice ?

(posting on another thread as not sure where to post)

OP posts:
CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 16:02

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 12:31

Just to be clear op, unless you've had a talk with them about marriage and told them explicitly that you don't want it, ever, if they are asking you you have their children without walking you down the Isle first - they are taking you for a mug.

They are insulting you and they know it.

And they likely have no real intention of ever marrying you.

Edited

Not everyone wants to be married - me and my partner don't want to marry. We've both been in abusive marriages before and the thought of marriage again with anyone scares the shit out of me. It doesn't mean we don't love each other and haven't committed to each other in other ways we just don't have a marriage certificate!
My 85 year old neighbour's partner just died they have 3 adult children and never married but "lived in sin" for nearly 60 years - they just didn't believe in marriage and all that came with it at the time.

Iloveyoubut · 09/05/2025 16:02

Did they both decide to have an abortion through? Or was it just him? Honestly, my opinion is he’s full of shit and I would never have a baby with him. If he wants someone to have a baby because ‘he’s ready now 🙄’ then how come he isn’t ready? I don’t know him and I don’t trust it. He’ll be giving up his job to be a full time dad next. He’ll do what it takes to ensure he has money. Yours. If he’s so desperate for a baby tell him to adopt. He’s a total chancer.

PurplGirl · 09/05/2025 16:04

I’m going to sound old fashioned, but I’d anlways advise getting married before having a baby. It doesn’t have to be fancy and expensive. If you’re going to commit to a baby, you should commit to each other first and have the legal protections that brings. Tell him he needs to work on his career/job first, then you can plan for a baby.

Iloveyoubut · 09/05/2025 16:13

CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 15:57

So it's okay for mums to be SAHM and then get custody as the primary carer but not dad's?

Show quote history

Get back to everyone on that when men and grow and birth babies out of their non existent uteruses and vaginas. A pregnancy for a man ends at ejaculation. They can walk away after that.

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 16:14

PurplGirl · 09/05/2025 16:04

I’m going to sound old fashioned, but I’d anlways advise getting married before having a baby. It doesn’t have to be fancy and expensive. If you’re going to commit to a baby, you should commit to each other first and have the legal protections that brings. Tell him he needs to work on his career/job first, then you can plan for a baby.

Why would she marry him when she's the breadwinner?

ForRealCat · 09/05/2025 16:17

Well if it is so easy for him to get a decent job, then he can crack on and do that. Without it I’d worry he was just trying to tie down a better earning woman.

PurplGirl · 09/05/2025 16:18

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 16:14

Why would she marry him when she's the breadwinner?

Show quote history

Because marriage is the most financially stable basis for a child. If she’s not willing to share their finances then they shouldn’t be having a baby together. Just because she earns more than him now, doesn’t mean that will always be the case.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 09/05/2025 16:42

Tell him to "make it work" for a year to prove that his claims are feasible and you'll have this discussion when he's able to evidence that he can "make it work".

Vague promises are worth nothing, actions are what count.

Redruby2020 · 09/05/2025 16:54

No I wouldn’t go ahead and have a baby under these terms OP. This happened to me but only because I was in an abusive relationship. It’s the worst thing that could have happened, and I am making do every day. People do not get it, that it’s not just ‘one child’ it’s a lifetime.
Did not understand why I did not want a child, because lol i already had a life and my own problems and issues, in an ideal world i should never of got involved with the father, but at worst, been able to get away and be free.
You seem very content with the child you have and you have work and it seems to be going well. Don’t spoil that. Even with your partner proposing things. Fair enough if one wants a child and the other doesn’t, it’s sad and unfortunate but then both have rights, and he would have to find someone else to do that with.

WellDoneThatSupremeCourt · 09/05/2025 16:55

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 12:10

Would he consider being SAHD?

That's probably his master plan.

Redruby2020 · 09/05/2025 16:55

Iloveyoubut · 09/05/2025 16:13

Get back to everyone on that when men and grow and birth babies out of their non existent uteruses and vaginas. A pregnancy for a man ends at ejaculation. They can walk away after that.

Show quote history

That’s made my week your comment 😆 love it!

Redruby2020 · 09/05/2025 16:59

CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 16:02

Not everyone wants to be married - me and my partner don't want to marry. We've both been in abusive marriages before and the thought of marriage again with anyone scares the shit out of me. It doesn't mean we don't love each other and haven't committed to each other in other ways we just don't have a marriage certificate!
My 85 year old neighbour's partner just died they have 3 adult children and never married but "lived in sin" for nearly 60 years - they just didn't believe in marriage and all that came with it at the time.

Show quote history

No they don’t, very true. But then I don’t think men should be getting engaged to women either, and then there never seems to be any marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve seen that happen quite a lot.

MrsB74 · 09/05/2025 17:06

Mrsttcno1 · 09/05/2025 10:39

If I was you I’d be telling him if he really wants a baby then he needs to make all of these changes now, career change/retrain, get the financial stuff sorted. Make it very clear that only once all of that stuff is done will you consider a real chat about a baby. If he is unwilling to do that then he’s not that arsed about having a baby so either way the problem is solved.

This. I also, unlike most on here, think you should give it serious consideration as he does not have a biological child and if really wants that then he may leave. I know someone who did this. My husband decided to have more for my sake (more than his) and has not regretted it. My sister did the same for her husband, it’s not that unusual. I also have a friend whose husband refused to entertain another child and she is still a little resentful. That said you need to make peace with the decision, one way or the other. If you really don’t want more children you need to be honest.

2024onwardsandup · 09/05/2025 17:08

hes has forty years with no baby to get a better paying career - he’s not going to achieve that now when there’s a baby in the house

do not have a baby

Tomatotater · 09/05/2025 17:13

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 10:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he is trying and is working two jobs. But it’s still not as much as me in my one job. He would have to career change and probably re educate himself in another field. Which will take years

Absolutely not. You have a 4 year old. Will he be willing to be a sahd to his child and your child, or will he expect you to pack your job in because they are both your children? If hes not earning as much from two jobs as you are from one, then he isn't in a position to support you and cover your salary. Whatever he says, the reality is different and he can walk away. You also have your existing child to consider.

CheeseyOnionPie · 09/05/2025 17:21

He is saying he will do whatever it takes to make sure you’re all financially ok - I’m sorry but that is some woolly ass shit. He needs to already have taken the necessary steps and be earning what he needs to in order for this to work. I can almost guarantee his plan won’t work and you will be run ragged.

If he wants it that badly he needs to do the work to create the right environment and financial setup for you to feel comfortable to bring a new baby into the mix.

CloverPyramid · 09/05/2025 17:24

“He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that hard”

If he’s confident that he can improve his salary, why isn’t he already doing that? At the moment, he’s not even the breadwinner in the household, but he is claiming he could earn enough to cover not just all the current expenses plus those of another baby, but also make up for your lost earnings?

He’s either talking absolute bullshit, or he’s inadvertently telling you he’s been deliberately underachieving all this time so far.

Even if he was already high earning and totally willing to be an entirely equal parent to this baby, you still shouldn’t have it if you don’t really want to. It’s not fair on anyone in the situation, most particularly your existing child. Why rock their world for a baby you’re not absolutely keen on having?

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 09/05/2025 17:25

If he’s the lower earner can he not work less to do the childcare / extra house management?

CurlewKate · 09/05/2025 17:28

My dp wanted children from when he was a teenager. I knew this, but I told him I wasn’t sure if I ever would and if that meant he would leave me I had to accept that. He waited, without applying any pressure for 15 years, before we had our two children.

BlueMum16 · 09/05/2025 17:29

Not read all the PP just the OPs.

How long have you been together?
Do you live together? Shared finances?

Any signs of commitment such as marriage?

What are his thoughts if you spilt up?
If he's the lower earner could he be the primary carer whilst you work?

Lots for you to think about.

honeypancake · 09/05/2025 17:30

I am not sure financial considerations are paramount here and less so if you are married or not. If he already works two jobs and you have a good job, surely it is not always a given one gets a high paying job just because they want to. Could he be helping more at home or with the baby instead? I know some families where the mother is the breadwinner and the father even stays at home with kids or works a lower paying job but does all the cleaning and cooking. It is really not often about money only. Are men without high flying jobs meant to stay childless?
It all boils down to whether you want to have a child with him or not? Do you seem him as a long term commitment and family prospect?
If not, you need to set him free so he can find someone who will be excited to have his child.

Loopytiles · 09/05/2025 17:32

He can’t afford to support a DC and IMO you can’t afford to compromise your earning ability to have another D, nor be sole earner and him to SAH. If he’s serious he should get better job(s) & once his financial position is better, marriage before ttc

neverbeenskiing · 09/05/2025 17:35

OP, don't do this. Not because of work or finances or any of the other reasons you've come up with, but because you don't want to. That is reason enough, you don't need to justify it any further. You're content with the lovely child you already have, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Some men are very good at promising the world to get what they want. You dont want to work FT and look after two kids? He says you can work less. You point out you're the higher earner? Don't worry, he'll just make more money...like it's that easy. It sounds like he's trying to shut down your (perfectly valid) reasons for objecting in order to get what he wants. But ultimately he's BU to try to talk you into having a baby you don't want. Even if he does come good with all these promises (doubtful), it would be irresponsible to have a baby you don't really want. I found going from 1 child to 2 a massive adjustment, and DC2 was much longed for. I can't imagine dealing with the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy, childbirth, the foggy sleep deprivation and endless feeding, burping, changing cycle of the baby stage followed by the 'terrible 2's' and so on, with a child I was on the fence about having and only really agreed to in order to placate a man.

whynotmereally · 09/05/2025 18:48

If he has a plan to earn more you could give him time to implement it then consider it. But tbh it doesn’t sound like he will earn more and if you don’t want the extra stress/responsibility then it’s not the right time.

ForRealCat · 09/05/2025 19:20

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 12:10

Would he consider being SAHD?

Think you can probably drop the D from this. Does he just want to SAH?

Otherwise where is this so easy to achieve better job?