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AIBU?

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Original poster

My partners wants a baby I’m unsure

99 replies

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 09:45

My partner wants to have a baby but I’m on the unsure side. I already have a 4 year old and he has previously nearly became a dad but at the time he was not ready and him and his ex decided to have an abortion

He said it feels right and he doesn’t want to wait any longer because of his age. But I’m unsure, I am financially fine I work 40 hours and get above average yearly salary. He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation. He is on the side of he will do whatever he has to do so we can have a baby. And I’m on the side of I’m doing alright with a 4 year old a full time job and keeping up with my responsibility’s. I said to him I would not be able to work as much as I am and have two kids. He is saying he will do what it takes to ensure we have money that I don’t have to work that much. But ln my mind I know If his plan fails I will be working a full time job with two kids as I work from home and I will be ran ragged, while he’s working in the office. Plus my job is a good job, I don’t think it’s wise to leave without certainty.

He gets upset as he believes he can achieve this and that I am not fully sure about what he’s saying

am I being unreasonable and has anyone got any advice ?

(posting on another thread as not sure where to post)

OP posts:
TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 09/05/2025 11:31

How long has he known your child also - how long has he been responsible, and how much?

Because he likely has a VERY unrealistic idea of parenting if his only experience is a 2-4yo he only saw occasionally.

pikkumyy77 · 09/05/2025 11:33

Bubbletea125 · 09/05/2025 10:21

@OnlyFoolsnMothers he is trying and is working two jobs. But it’s still not as much as me in my one job. He would have to career change and probably re educate himself in another field. Which will take years

So he can’t afford to be a parent right now because he was never successful at feathering his nest. That us what responsible people do. They save up and make their dreams come true. Instead he looked around for some woman to do it for him.

He needs a fertile, pliable, woman with lots of money and a good work ethic to make his dream come true. You have demonstrated yourself to be an ideal candidate—are you foolish enough to be his handmaid when it is obvious that he is a selfish and incompetent jerk?

Mulledjuice · 09/05/2025 11:36

But ln my mind I know If his plan fails I will be working a full time job with two kids as I work from home and I will be ran ragged, while he’s working in the office

Why would you let this happen? Why would he let this happen?

If he's willing to do what it takes then why isn't he making more income now?

Who owns your home?

EllasNonny · 09/05/2025 11:36

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 09/05/2025 10:11

Don't do it. They're all full of promises that never materialise.

Nailed it...

Iloveanicegarden · 09/05/2025 11:49

Goodadvice1980 · 09/05/2025 10:37

Yanbu.

Job first, marriage then baby if you both really want one. Do not leave yourself financially vulnerable.

I second your advice. I was working full time and earning reasonable wages. My DH on the other hand was less focussed. He had no idea of what he wanted to do with his life and so I contrived to avoid conception at all costs. I was not going to have a child with this man since he was emotionally immature, and I could see that although I loved him it wouldn't work.

2JFDIYOLO · 09/05/2025 11:58

DON'T DO IT.

He fancies the idea of a baby but has no idea of the reality, which you do.

He's making all the promises - but you need the evidence to make this life changing step.

Every baby needs to be wanted - and you don't want another one. (Not judging, it's fine!!)

Imagine if he finds the reality is not after all to his taste and off he fucks leaving you holding the baby he 'wanted'.

How old are you both? Is there a tick-tock element here?

CandidRaven · 09/05/2025 11:59

Only have one if you are 100% sure, he is all talk right now but the reality is a lot of the time the mother is left to deal with children and all that entails, his life probably won't change much and the fact he mentioned you won't have to work as much leads me to think he wants you to take charge of caring for the new baby as opposed to making sure you can maintain your career

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 12:10

Would he consider being SAHD?

S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 12:12

Nope!

S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 12:14

And check your contraception.

Ponderingwindow · 09/05/2025 12:20

When my husband and I were going to have a baby, we spent a year saving my salary and living just on his earnings. There are a few important details there. He was my husband, not my boyfriend. I was the higher earner, but he made enough to support the household, albeit things were a bit more lean. Finally, and very importantly, we both wanted a child and were realistic about what having a baby would mean.

sesquipedalian · 09/05/2025 12:22

OP, what is your DP bringing to this particular party? You say, “He is not earning the amount he would like to be earning, so is not in the best financial situation.”- this does not sound like a good foundation for having a baby. You say, “He is on the side of he will do whatever he has to do so we can have a baby” - but he isn’t: he is doing nothing to improve his/your joint situation: he is just liking the idea of being a father and leaving you to pick up the slack. YOU are the person who will have to do all the hard work, and that will include, as you so rightly say, being run ragged and working from home whilst looking after two children. He’s got nothing to lose in this scenario, while you are putting your security and happiness on the line. Don’t do it.

Superscientist · 09/05/2025 12:23

I think he needs to step up now, make the changes that would make having a second and your current life earlier only then have a conversation about whether it's right to have a child.
My partner* and I were both unsure about a second we spent most of a year discussing it. I was on medication that isn't suitable to conceive them so during that year I reached out to my consultant and spent 8 months changing medication to one that are safe for conception. I had counselling including a joint session to unpack trauma from the first year or so of having our daughter.
For us the decision to have a second was a long conversation that we kept coming back to, we got ourselves ready just in case and in the end we decided we wanted to try. We had a couple of losses and decided to give ourselves 3 more months and if it didn't happen we were more than happy as a family of 3 the universe is on our side and I'm now nearly 5 months pregnant and am due just over 2 years after we started discussing a second

So I'd suggest start making changes, keep talking over 6-12 months and only go ahead if both of you are fully on board and still on board over a period of time. It's not a decision to rush into and it's not a decision to be made on the promise of changes it has to be based on reality.

*Personal preference for use of partner not husband, we are in a civil partnership.

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 12:24

If you're unsure, it's an absolutely not.

Children shouldn't be brought into the world unless they are wholeheartedly wanted.

Based on your circumstances you'd have to be mad to do it anyway.

Also notice you say partner and not husband. So he'll fo anything...except the fucking basics of marrying you before asking you to have his babies. Arsehole.

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 12:31

Just to be clear op, unless you've had a talk with them about marriage and told them explicitly that you don't want it, ever, if they are asking you you have their children without walking you down the Isle first - they are taking you for a mug.

They are insulting you and they know it.

And they likely have no real intention of ever marrying you.

ginasevern · 09/05/2025 12:36

Tell him to go find another incubator for his male fantasy.

Sodthesystem · 09/05/2025 12:43

pinkyredrose · 09/05/2025 12:10

Would he consider being SAHD?

Thing is, that doesn't take into account the risks of pregnancy and childbirth. Op might not be able to go back to work. Not to mention, he could 'agree' to anything now and change his mind later and she'd be screwed.

S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 12:57

There are a few threads on here at the moment from pregnant women who have been left high and dry by their 'partners'. Worth a read.

RobinEllacotStrike · 09/05/2025 13:01

Be aware if you decide to take the “stay st home Dad” route he might be considered primary carer & get custody if you split up.

id be saying he needs to get a good job and hold onto it for sometime before you will even consider it.

takehimjolene · 09/05/2025 13:35

OP- would you want a child with this man if your (joint) financial position was different? If you would I would give him 2 options:

  1. Get a very clear plan for exactly how and when he will improve his earning capacity (including how much he needs to earn, exactly how much time and money any re-training will take etc) and put in significant effort to work towards this. Be clear on what's stopped him from doing this before- it won't be easier with a family to support so make sure you're both confident that he will do it now.
  2. He does something now to save so that he can cover the income you'll lose when you are on maternity leave and then commits to being the main carer for the new baby and the 4 year old so that you can keep working as you currently are and he can work part time. If he's not prepared to do this why does he think you should? I'd want to see this start immediately with him taking more responsibility for your 4 year old (including nursery drop offs/sick days/'admin' type stuff) and for him to have a clear plan of how this will work, not just a general 'oh yes, I'll do most of the baby stuff'. He'd need to show you that he really understands what's involved and is still committed to doing it.

I do speak from experience. When DH and I got together he was doing 2 minimum wage jobs and I had a well paid career. We both wanted children and had a similar discussion. Our outcome was positive- DH went for the (rather hard core!) option 3 of being a SAHD and retraining part time.

Welshmonster · 09/05/2025 15:39

If you don’t want a baby then let him know and let him go if that’s what he wants.

you just need to be honest as if he does all the things he needs to and you still don’t want a baby then that’s not fair.

state how you are feeling and if he decides he wants a kid more then set him free.

CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 15:53

YANBU not wanting another child but if you honestly don't ever want any more children then you have to let him know so he has the choice to either stay with you or leave and find someone who does want a child. You can't deny him the right to decide to become a dad!

CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 15:56

takehimjolene · 09/05/2025 13:35

OP- would you want a child with this man if your (joint) financial position was different? If you would I would give him 2 options:

  1. Get a very clear plan for exactly how and when he will improve his earning capacity (including how much he needs to earn, exactly how much time and money any re-training will take etc) and put in significant effort to work towards this. Be clear on what's stopped him from doing this before- it won't be easier with a family to support so make sure you're both confident that he will do it now.
  2. He does something now to save so that he can cover the income you'll lose when you are on maternity leave and then commits to being the main carer for the new baby and the 4 year old so that you can keep working as you currently are and he can work part time. If he's not prepared to do this why does he think you should? I'd want to see this start immediately with him taking more responsibility for your 4 year old (including nursery drop offs/sick days/'admin' type stuff) and for him to have a clear plan of how this will work, not just a general 'oh yes, I'll do most of the baby stuff'. He'd need to show you that he really understands what's involved and is still committed to doing it.

I do speak from experience. When DH and I got together he was doing 2 minimum wage jobs and I had a well paid career. We both wanted children and had a similar discussion. Our outcome was positive- DH went for the (rather hard core!) option 3 of being a SAHD and retraining part time.

Surely it's down to the 4 year olds dad to help with childcare admin for the 4 year old?
My ex does all the helping with added childcare, school runs when I work etc I wouldn't expect my new partner to take on that role.

CosyLemur · 09/05/2025 15:57

RobinEllacotStrike · 09/05/2025 13:01

Be aware if you decide to take the “stay st home Dad” route he might be considered primary carer & get custody if you split up.

id be saying he needs to get a good job and hold onto it for sometime before you will even consider it.

So it's okay for mums to be SAHM and then get custody as the primary carer but not dad's?

LondonLady1980 · 09/05/2025 16:02

How old are you both?
How long have you been together?
How long have you lived together?
Do you have family support?
Where does your current child’s dad fit into the picture?
Do you rent? Have a mortgage?
Do you share finances?
Have you discussed how the sharing of finances may have to change if you have a baby?
Is marriage something that’s been discussed?

All these little details can make a big difference to the advice you might be given……

My overall advice though is don’t do it. You clearly don’t want to and as the female you take on all the risks. Like a previous person said, men make a lot of empty promises that rarely materialise and it literally will be you who is left holding the baby.

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