Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

Perhaps your DF doesn't realise there's no vacancy that can be filled when an adult loses her mother.

As PPs have said, message to say you hope she has a good day.

If your father pushes again, ask him if he thinks you'll find another father to replace him once he passes? Ask him if he'd found a new spouse who was younger than you then would he expect you to call a youngster 'mother'? then spend some time remembering your mother on the relevant Sunday.

She's your dad's wife and that's how I'd introduce her to people if anybody ever asked about your relationship to her.

She's never had any step-mother kind of role to help nurture you. Shut down your dad's comments about her being any kind of step-mother to you. She's his wife.

I'd text her and say you hope she has a lovely Mother's day and enjoys the day with her son.

The point is to keep the peace with OP's father, while drawing a line about the new SM calling herself 'mum'

It's still validating this nonsense.

I had a stepmother. She married my father when they were both in their 60s and I was in my 30s so clearly she played no part in my upbringing. I described her as my stepmother, because she was.

To me, the term “stepmother”, like “mother-in-law” doesn’t imply any value judgement in the length or quality of the relationship. It is a simple description of the relationship and doesn’t detract from the term “mother”.

I think describing her as “my father’s wife” would have felt very rude and distant, especially as she played a grandmotherly role to my children for many years (from their birth to her death), as my father played a grandfatherly role to her grandchildren.

We got on pretty well but I never sent her a Mother’s Day card. She had her own children to do that.

Don’t you know the rules of MN? A step mother can never be a grandmother to the kids, she is only allowed to be friendly but have no more relationship than that 🤣

If you are to see her on or very near the day take a nice bunch of flowers with you. No more.

Do not have them sent as that sets a precedence.

If pushed you could put a card in saying Happy (Grand) mothers day from your daughter.

A firm yet kind word with your father to point out that you have made his new wife most welcome & that you are pleased that he has someone, but under no circumstances is she your mother or step-mother. You have a mother who you miss, thank you but no-one else can fill that. She is my father's wife. Please respect my boundaries/space/wishes (as you prefer).

Everybody can grasp that and still be happy.

While she hasn't been your mum she may become a "grandma" to your little one, if you're close to your dad. So many LO could send her a card "to someone special"

I don't see her refering to herself as your stepmother as wrong (factually correct anyway). However your an adult and she did not 'mother' you so I would be in the same mind as yourself. I was in the same position with my mum's second husband and never acknowledged. I didn't mind my kids referring to him as grandad or sending cards though purely because they never knew my dad.

It's of course your choice but I think there's a big difference between a step parent who came into children's lives when they were children and played an active , parenting role and someone who married a partner who had grown-up children.

In your situation I'd assume the former. I don't get what's so wrong about "my father's wife". I think it's pathetic for a woman in the situation the OP is in to demand to be called "step- mother" and get Mother's Day cards.

Tbh, I don't like "in-laws". I use the term occasionally but also just say "husband's [or husband's name] mother/ brother/whatever.

If I were widowed and re-married I'd be horrified if a new husband started talking about being a step-father to my son.

My stepmum always saw herself as my Dad's wife because we'd left home by the time they married. She would literally die on the spot if I gave her a card for Mother's Day!

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastlesurely no-one calls their stepmother “stepmother”! I called mine by her name. Similarly I called my mother in law by her name (I know some people call their mothers-in-law “mum”, but I think that’s odd)!

But when referring to them or introducing them to people I would have described them as my stepmother or mother-in-law (though if I was talking to someone who knew my husband I might equally well have described my mother-in-law as “husband’s name’s mother”).

My stepmother didn’t talk about being my stepmother. My father didn’t talk about a stepfather to her adult sons. He just was one! And both of them felt like grandparents to all the children, especially those (like mine) who were born after they married.

You have no obligation to do this and it’s quite awful of your dad to ask this of you. She hasn’t raised you, isn’t a motherly figure to you and you shouldn't feel that you have to do this to please them.

Nah! Totally unnecessary

she is not your mum

your dad can poke it

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastlesurely no-one calls their stepmother “stepmother”! I called mine by her name. Similarly I called my mother in law by her name (I know some people call their mothers-in-law “mum”, but I think that’s odd)!

Eh??? Where do you get the idea I was suggesting anyone uses stepmother as a name?

I'm referring to how you would describe the relationship if you were discussing them with a third party. For example if I were talking about my husband's brother I would say "Mr Castle's brother" or "my husband's brother" I never refer to him as my brother-in-law.

No chance in hell. She is not your mother. It's a very weird request.

I had a stepmother for 50 years from the age of 12 and never once did I send her a Mother's Day card, nor did my father ever ask me to.

It would never have occurred to either him or me

In the absolute definition of the term she is the OP's step mother:

noun: step-mother:
a woman who is the wife or partner of one's parent after the divorce or separation of the parents or the death of one's mother

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stepmother

In the OP's case, the step mother has played no part in raising her so IMO it would be inappropriate to send a "Happy Mothers Day" card, surely the whole purpose of that and father's day is to acknowledge our parents for giving their time to bring us up (even if it was voluntary).

She's not your mother and she hasn't been an active step-mother so no, I don't think you need to send a card. Your father isn't really being realistic.

I know…mine became a full-fledged grandmother to my DC before I was on MN. By the time I realised, we were 16 years into the situation—to late to turn back! 😝

Your dad is a dick, you do what makes you feel comfortable. If that means you do nothing then so be it.

I find it so bizarre when people want their children to do this.

She's not your mum, she's never had any sort of mothering input with you, I'd have just given my dad a look and said the above. I wouldn't be happy with her referring to herself as stepmum either, but I'd probably just keep schtum on that one.

I have step children who are in their 30s. Although I’ve been married to their father for 25 years, I have never expected or insisted on a Mother’s Day acknowledgement as I am not their mother 😂 However, one of them has always marked the occasion in some way - a card, small gift perhaps, and this year a special outing. That is their choice, not mine.
YANBU.

My mum died when I was 11 and dad remarried 3 years later. My stepmum did t have children and never tried to be my mum but I absolutely loved her, we got on so well. She was a great role model who made dad very happy and enjoyed having me around too.
I always sent her a Mother's Day card. No one ever asked me to but I reckoned she deserved it and would like it.

Not a chance, I come from a broken home and in my eyes you only have one mother and one father no matter how good or bad they are you only have one of each.

My mother's partner was good to me but I never got him a card, why, because he wasn't my father, even though my real father wasn't interested I still only had one dad.

That said, it's not like youre 10 years old, your a fully grown adult with your own children it's a little bit late to start calling people stepmum or stepdad.

My mum or dad would never ask me to do such a thing as they know what the answer would be, a straight "No, now move on" so they wouldn't ask twice but I'm not one for messing round.

It's seems to me to many people are to keen to push their children into situations they really don't want to be in, mothers and fathers are not just something you can replace THEY ARE VITAL TO A GOOD UPBRINGING!