Dad wants me to wish his new wife a Happy Mother’s Day

[TheOxfordComma]

Mother’s Day in Australia falls this Sunday.

I’m in a dilemma. My father has asked me to extend Mother’s Day wishes to his new wife (married less than a year ago), but he hasn’t specified what he expects—perhaps a card, a phone call, or a lunch outing?

My mother passed away unexpectedly eight years ago when I was almost 30. I maintain a cordial relationship with my father’s new wife, but she has not played a role in raising me at all. I see her as my dad’s new wife and not as a “stepmom”. She has an adult son with whom she gets on well. I’m married with a 14-month-old daughter and want to dedicate the day to celebrating my wife and honouring memories of my deceased mother.

Recently, my father’s wife has begun referring to herself as my “stepmum” at social gatherings, which feels uncomfortable to me. While I don’t want to upset my father, I’m reluctant to acknowledge her on Mother’s Day, as I would prefer to not have her take anything I do on that day as validation that I see her as a “mother” figure rather than my father’s new wife. Surely her own son can fulfil that role on Mother’s Day, which is what he always does for her.

YABU: Just send a text or card, for goodness’ sake.
YANBU: She’s not your mother, and you don’t need to set a precedent.

I think you’re skirting around the issue when you might need to tackle it head on. Your dad doesn’t necessarily know you feel this way, he’s just trying to brighten his wife’s day. If you don’t tackle it now, it will just keep cropping up in the future.

This is like, the worst advice you can give.

”If you value your relationship with someone, do what they want. If you don’t value them, don’t do it”

Is not really true… is it?

Sometimes we can say NO to the people we love and value because well, we have boundaries and don’t have to do it.

A text saying "hope you have a lovely mother's day" isn't acknowledging her as your step mom. I send such a text to all of my female acquaintances who consider themselves mothers in any capacity (mom, step-moms, foster moms etc).

I'd say no to sending a step mom card or doing a lunch, if you don't think of her as your step mom. But it doesn't sound like your dad is necessarily requesting that?

Might be worth speaking to him more about your feelings around this tho, if you can do it in a way which doesn't sound like a total rejection of his partner.

Just say, dad I like X, but I am keen not to give them impression that I see her as any kind of mom replacement. If he's a decent guy he should understand once you explain it.

I think I would handle it by waiting for her to message me a happy Mother’s Day with my toddler and then replying “thank you, enjoy your Mother’s Day with your son, see you all soon!”

I guess she doesn't have to, but I think it's ordinary to wish a HMD to family members and friends. It also keeps her dad happy, which is something to consider, too.

I've had this from.my mother who married her husband when I was 21. You need tonput down firm boundaries from the get go. I do refer to him as step because it's easier but I have had to be very clear that he is not my father, is not regarded as such and certainly is not the grandfather of my children. He is nice to them but my father, who I loved very much was their grandfather.

The relationship is respectful but honest. There is no need to play happy families, there is only a need for mutual respect and dignity. His name is Gerald, not father, dad or grandad.

It's hard but I lived my dad even if my mother never did and I won't ha e him usurped.

I think the issue here is your dad trying to dictate and control your relationship with his wife and trying to use you to make her happy/ keep her emotionally buoyed up. It’s a really dangerous slippery slope especially if he is demanding that you support some idea she has of herself which you don’t actually agree with or a relationship to you that you aren’t willing to sign up for. I don’t agree with others that you should just send the message, or a version of it, to keep the peace. I’ve been down this road myself and I wish I’d called it out earlier and put some boundaries in place before it got really bad.

Sounds like performative nonsense.

I wouldn’t. I’m a stepmother legally but as they were 18&20 when I met them I would never expect anything “mother related” dsd often confides in me but she has a mother

This 100%

You don't have to do anything and your father is being weird and I would be wondering if their relationship isn't quite what it might be if she is needing this level of validation.

Is it? Personally I'd think it really bizarre if someone other than my son said Happy Mother's Day (and tbh, my son knows I think it's nonsense anyway)

It’s ridiculous of him to expect this. You lost your mum at 30, not 3. It sounds like either or both of them want step-mother to supersede your mum for some reason.

She’s not your mam, so I would tell your dad to respect that.

Actually I've got a better idea. Ask your dad if his wife would mind providing backdated pocket money for the 18 years as a child you never knew her. I make that 936 weeks' worth.

Then you might feel like sending a nice mother's day thank you card.

(Or just ignore it.)

You are not a step mother legally. There's no legal relationship of step parent unless a step parent adopted them or a court gives parental rights, which couldn't have happened if the children were 18 and 20.

Talk to your father about it - ignore entirely - or just get a Step grandmother card and do that for next few years.

Your father is being selectively sensitive and ignoring your feelings in favour of his wife's.

Explain to him that this is important to you, that the Mother's Day concept belongs to your own mum in your heart, that you'll be honouring her on that day and won't be putting anyone else in that special niche.

If she has her own children, that's their privilege, their thing to do, so she'll have that.

She IS your step mum, though, which is a different role, and you can get step mother cards, if you want to, to preserve that distinction and still be cordial. I think it would be nice.

How about a blank celebration card and your own verse? Something like
im too old to have a stepmum
you’re too young to be my gran
but you’re a very special person
and a member of my fam!
thinking of you on this national card day
sorted

She IS your step mum,

No she ISN'T. She is the wife of the OP's husband.

i wouldn’t dream of sending my dads partner a Mother’s Day card! We met when I was 27 ffs she clearly isn’t a maternal figure 😂😂😂

Just say no. Sorry dad your wife is not a maternal figure.

No
Do NOT do it unless you want to.
I grew up with step mums and dads and no I don't wish them happy mothers or fathers day. They're not my mum or dad.
Even less so in your situation.
Don't do it

I have a similar problem with my own mother because I hate her guts! I usually just send her a photo of my children with ‘Happy Nana’s Day’ and focus on celebrating me. Can you do the same?

your dad is feeling insecure, I doubt this comes from his wife. I have been in my DH’s kids’ life since they were 11 and have never expected or received Mother’s Day greetings. I’d just say No Dad, she has her own son for that but I hope she had a nice day. He can pass that last bit on if he wants.

I agree with Tourmalines. I too live in Australia (Sydney, in case it's localised) and often am wished Happy Mothers Day, by friends, acquaintances, retail staff, in the Maccas drive through etc.

It's absolutely a thing in my experience.

i don't think it's about legal rights though.

It is utterly batshit to try to force an adult child to call your new spouse, who you married after your child left home and is an adult, a step-parent. Let alone insist on a card or something.

I'm a gobby git so i'd be telling him to get in the sea with that idea. if i were more diplomatic i'd just completely ignore the request and not send a card.