Three boys - anyone relate?

[Threeboys27]

Posting in AIBU as I don’t think the people that can offer advice will be reading pregnancy..

Found out today our third and last baby is a boy. I’ll start by saying I am of course happy baby is healthy and that’s absolutely the most important thing.

Everyone in my life has been completely fixated on the gender for weeks, going on and on about how would I feel, what do I think it is, what will I do if it’s another boy(?), it’s like without me even saying it, everyone knew it would be a big deal to not have a girl.

I laughed it off finding out in the scan room, have joked with my family, hyped up my older boy that wanted a sister and told my friends it’s fine but in my own company I can’t stop crying and I’m genuinely gutted.

it’s not that I want to raise a little girl, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on the clothes or the hair or anything like that. I just feel like I’m grieving for my future self. I’m so close with my mum, she has an amazing relationship with my children, we lean on each other so much, I would struggle without her and she’d struggle without me. I have two brothers and I feel like I’ve always glued everyone together and kept them in check prioritising family, not to sound up my own arse but I think their lives and relationships with each other would look very different without me.

The majority of the men I know don’t have great relationships with their adult brothers, the women make all the calls about where the family spends their time and are generally much closer to the women’s family. This is my husband and brothers included.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums.

I’m wondering does anyone in my position with all adult boys feel like I’m being dramatic or is it justified to feel this way knowing how it turns out?

Being a mom of only boys who are all adults now I can confirm it is wonderful.

I have 5 of the lovely chaps.

Two of whom have long term relationships.

We are all very close. And I have a very close relationship with both of the girlfriends. I think of them both as extra daughters. And one, whose own mother lives 1000s of miles away asked to call me mum.

Your adult relationships with your boys and their partners will be depend on the foundations you are laying with them as little boys. Please be reassured young can have very close relationships but yes it takes time and effort over many years.

i find that all 7 come and talk to me and Confide and I love them all so dearly. And I look forward to our family growing in love with more partners and one day grandchildren.

Being an all boy mum is a wild ride but I am sure in 1 years time you will not be able to imagine any other life.

we have four boys , 24,20 .18 amd 11 and they all get along so well … they younger boy is worshiped by the older three … but our three older lads are super close and they always give me the biggest hugs you can imagine and they are like my own personal body guards … our youngest is watching tj and learning… no being a mammy of all boys is hard when they are young because the are so boisterous but I’ve never regretted not having a girl … your boys will learn from you and be the glue

You said it all perfectly there …

I think it's really down to how you nurture them and prioritize your family as children. If they grow up very close to you they will stay that way as adults. Start now - model that your husband's family are equally as important as yours. Spend half the Christmas/holidays with them.
I think the only difference is the newborn part - many women want their mother's around for birth, but aside from that, all the good men I know spend just as much time with their own family as they do with their wives family.

My MIL is the mother of 6 boys - oldest is 60 now.

Her sons are wonderful to her and she has really close relationships with all of her daughters in law and is a fab grandmother too - her grandchildren (some are girls!) adore her. It might be that one of your boys is the "glue" in the future like you are but that will be down to personality.

DH is close to all his brothers - I would consider one of them one of my best friends. We all stay close, spend holidays together, are there when it counts and organised a big birthday party for her recently. It isn't all beer and skittles, obviously, but it certainly wasn't with me and my sisters either!

Honestly OP, just don't worry. Your family will be great.

And with the newborn part - after my first birth I was really sick - we live on another continent to our families. my parents came out for 2 weeks but I was still not great so mil dropped everything to come out to me. It was such a special time for us - she was incredible to me and baby. The only thing she has ever said about my parenting in nearly 30 years was "you are a wonderful mother"

Well tbf your brothers never needed to be the "glue" because you did it. You all grew up in a different dynamic. You are the mother so you can to a large extent shape expectations already.

My dad is one of 3 boys. They are VERY good to my grandparents. One of them is a true mummy's baby which is hilarious as he's 58. And they are super close. They still holiday together!!!

I think 3 boys is brilliant!

I relate… want boys to grow up with a good family, and meet a good woman to have the grandkids, but that means they have a good mum who’s the grandma, not the boy grandma 🤣

Yabu

I work with vunerable people and many have very caring sons who are heavily involved with them.

Daughters often move around now for work and relationships. You could have a daughter and they might be off living in Australia.

It's more about personality.

My adult sons’ favourite people are each other. They live in different parts of the country but chat together several times a week. They organise online gaming sessions together. Sometimes they’ll see the same film at some time during a week so they can discuss it on their Sunday catch-up.

Having boys doesn’t mean you won’t have a close family. That society dumps the expectation to “maintain family relationships” on women does not mean only women can do that. If you raise a close, supportive and loving family, that doesn’t end when they grow up.

Don’t worry.

Your feelings are so normal ❤️ BUT my brothers are extremely close with our mum, closer than I am as our relationship has always been a bit tricky. My brother has a baby and my mum sees him weekly and is going to help out with childcare for them. They live an hour and a half away but my mum (and dad!) make the drive as it's important to them. My other single brother is frequently out for dinner or coffee with my mum, takes her to see shows and pops to theirs to visit all the time. I think the secret to their relationships is my mum loves to look after them, baking/cooking, always being an open listener, always having a space for them. She never criticises their partners and welcomes them as daughters into our home and family events. She's not in any way a difficult MiL. Just wanted to give you another perspective. It'll all be lovely, although how you're feeling right now is understandable- you're grieving the loss of a potential imagined future. But the one you're going to have will be what you make it 😊

OP, congratulations on the news you’re having a third healthy baby boy! I would have loved a son.

A little different admittedly but my husband is an only child. We’re very close to his mother (and father) and my DC has just as close a relationship with her as she does with my mum, despite MIL living abroad. We model the importance of spending lots of quality time with both sides of the family and I think this is key. My MIL is also wonderful which is the most important thing and I’m sure you will be too! She would have loved a daughter herself and we have a great relationship.

I know I’m not exactly someone you want to hear from but I’d have loved a son one day. I’d have loved all daughters too, mind you, which is what I have: two daughters. But experiencing both would have been lovely too, I’m sure. As it happened, my DD2 was diagnosed with a birth defect while pregnant and we didn’t think we’d ever get the chance to meet her for a period and were informed that if we did she may be born with a chromosome abnormality. Needless to say, whether she was a boy or girl instantly became irrelevant. After her birth, I discovered I’d not be able to have a third pregnancy so, like you, I also have the feeling that my family is complete, which is both a huge relief mainly but also tinged with a little something like sadness (for want of a better word) that I’ll never do it again. But I just remind myself how lucky I am to have my two beautiful DC (two more than many ever get to have, sadly) and wouldn’t want to push my luck anyway. But this took me a little time to fully, truly realise. My mother in law also now gets that relationship with girls she would have liked when she had my husband.

I have four nephews and boys are just fantastic: loving, affectionate, hilarious and brothers have a very special bond. They will always have this I think with your modelling and input throughout their childhood.

I have 2 sons and a daughter, all nearly grown up now ( DD under 18). I can’t see my DD being the glue as you describe yourself, it’s more down to personality. I probably am closer to my mum than my brother but he sees her more as I moved away.

i Fully understand what you are saying.

From my own experience I do see many more mums and women very close in older age.

However I do know a handful of men who are equally close with their mums as adults and spend alternate Christmas days with their parents (on top of regular visits and phone calls).

I also know women not close to their mums at all and do not choose to spend special days and events with their own parents.

You will already know from your two current boys but boys are wonderful. Three boys growing into adults together will be magical.

I got 2 boys. DS1 autistic. DS2 hypersensitive like me and we are extremely close and he really talks to me about everything. I wasn't close to my mum unfortunately (as she wasn't close to hers) so I can't relate to having a mother daughter bound but I would say it's more about personality than gender.

Added before someone jumps at me about playing favourites: DS1 is close to me but our relationship is mostly about me tending to all his needs which I do (he's autistic). He never wants to talk to me and screams if I try to have a conversation with him. He only wants to tell his jokes (the same ones) over and over. So a one sided relationship due to his disability.

My husband has one brother and they are exceptionally close and both closer to their mum than I am to mine. In fact they are a much closer family than mine are, and we go away a lot more with them and do more with them as a family than mine. His parents are very close and fantastic grandparents and we spend Christmases with them equally.

It's only ever on here that I learned about the perception that boys aren't close to their mums or siblings. It's just not something i see in real life through my husband or male friends.

My boys aren’t quite adults yet, but they’re lovely. My MIL was welcomed just as much as my own mum when the boys were newborns and both sets of grandparents get Christmases.
It’s totally understandable to feel upset right now if your life is not going to be the way you expected. Give it time and I’m sure you’ll feel better about it, but do be prepared for all the “you can have another one” comments and looks of sympathy when you take your three boys out and about when they are young!! Funnily enough, I now get told how lucky I am lol

I have one son and two daughters. I am just as close to my son as the girls. I brought them up knowing that they could talk to me about anything, however big or small, and they have continued that into their adulthood. My daughter-in-law, very early in their relationship, said to my son, you talk to your mum about anything, don’t you? He said yes, you should try it (meaning talk to her mum). She took him literally, and now talks to me about everything, as she never had that relationship with her mum. I am very close to my grandchildren, but especially close to my son’s eldest, who is a boy. He is 13 and going through some mental health issues, and while he will talk to both his parents, it’s me he really confides in.
Please don’t be disappointed by your third son. Sons can be a lot less prickly than girls in their teens, and this is when relationships with children can break down. I thought my relationship with my elder daughter was irretrievable in her teens, but we got through it. I never felt like that with my son.

As with every other gender stereotype, real life doesn't reflect it.

The closest relationship anyone I know has with their mum is a male friend. He's always whisking her down to London and taking her to Michelin restaurants. He was single for years and there was a running joke that no woman could live up to his mum. I suppose MNers would sneer that he was a "mummy's boy" but I eventually met his mum at a birthday party and she was one of the loveliest women I've ever met. (And she gets on very well with his fiancee now.)

On the other hand quite a few women I know have very tricky relationships with their mums (including me - I'm NC). I suppose one of the reasons we're friends is because all of us rebelled against conventional feminine expectations in one way or another, and this was a big source of tension with our mums. I don't think I know any woman who's taken it upon herself to be the family glue. I think as adults you are your own social glue - you need to take control of your own relationships and nurture them if you want them to last.

My DH is in close touch with his family and has been a good role model for our children. He is very supportive of his family, they have a healthy relationship and I consequently have a good relationship with them too. Please don't worry, but do encourage your DH to step up so that your sons see how it's done.

My mother had 4 girls, none of whom lived near her as adults (most moved to be near their in laws!).
MiL has 3 boys. All live nearby (chose to move back to be near her when they got married/started families) and still choose to spend time together.
I hope to emulate my MIL.

We had this all the time when I was pregnant with our third. People didn’t give a thought to the fact my two boys were hearing everything they said. I started to say that we thought the unborn baby would likely be a little sad that people cared what sex they were. The boys started saying that themselves and that stopped the stupid comments instantly.

you can’t help how you feel but in your circumstances I wouldn’t be sharing them with anyone other than my OH.

My wonderful MIL passed away recently and has left a massive hole in all our lives. My DCs spent a lot of time with her when they were growing up.

It doesn’t have to be a distant relationship OP.

I have 5 sons, all grown up now and very close to us. Honestly, don't dwell on what you don't have, celebrate what you do have. My sons are wonderful, so supportive and kind, they visit my mum regularly and bring her little presents and treats and listen to her telling them stories of the old days. They text and check in on me and their dad when we've been going through tough times with work and life events. Just nurture a close relationship with your boys and you will reap the benefits.

Can you imagine people's reactions when you're pregnant with your fourth 🤪