Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Three boys - anyone relate?

85 replies

Threeboys27 · 09/05/2025 02:08

Posting in AIBU as I don’t think the people that can offer advice will be reading pregnancy..

Found out today our third and last baby is a boy. I’ll start by saying I am of course happy baby is healthy and that’s absolutely the most important thing.

Everyone in my life has been completely fixated on the gender for weeks, going on and on about how would I feel, what do I think it is, what will I do if it’s another boy(?), it’s like without me even saying it, everyone knew it would be a big deal to not have a girl.

I laughed it off finding out in the scan room, have joked with my family, hyped up my older boy that wanted a sister and told my friends it’s fine but in my own company I can’t stop crying and I’m genuinely gutted.

it’s not that I want to raise a little girl, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on the clothes or the hair or anything like that. I just feel like I’m grieving for my future self. I’m so close with my mum, she has an amazing relationship with my children, we lean on each other so much, I would struggle without her and she’d struggle without me. I have two brothers and I feel like I’ve always glued everyone together and kept them in check prioritising family, not to sound up my own arse but I think their lives and relationships with each other would look very different without me.

The majority of the men I know don’t have great relationships with their adult brothers, the women make all the calls about where the family spends their time and are generally much closer to the women’s family. This is my husband and brothers included.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums.

I’m wondering does anyone in my position with all adult boys feel like I’m being dramatic or is it justified to feel this way knowing how it turns out?

OP posts:
AliBaliBee1234 · 09/05/2025 10:41

I think your way of thinking is quite old fashioned and from a time when women were expected to stay close to family.

I hardly see my family yet we live 5 minutes from my inlaws. They do childcare, we all have Sunday dinner together etc.

My husband and his brothers are much more close to their mum than I am.

Edited to add that a few of my female friends don't even live in the UK! You can't assume closeness with a daughter

jkhglpsda · 09/05/2025 10:47

I think there’s a lot of faux naivety on this thread. It’s all well and good calling OP old fashioned, but it doesn’t take much time observing community, society and MN to see that much of what OP describes is the reality for a lot of families, the Christmas topic is best area to see that. And even if it isn’t that way for you (great) you must understand why it is a concern.

passmeaglass · 09/05/2025 10:57

I understand how you feel as I had similar thoughts about my own family and dynamics when I found out that my only child would be a boy. He’s nearly 3 now and I can’t imagine having him being a girl instead. For example rather than grieving spa days and shopping trips with a girl I’m embracing having me time while DH takes DS to sports activities on a Saturday morning. I expect this to increase as he gets older. In terms of the future family stuff I’ll just have to deal with that as it arises. So much could happen between now and then I try not to think about it too much.

wehavea2319 · 09/05/2025 11:04

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys.

Definitely agree with this, have noticed that a lot of mums with mixed gender children do fixate a lot more on the girls- do a lot 1-to-1 activities etc as they grow older and don’t seem as interested in nurturing the same sort of bond with sons. It’s unsurprising if they remain closer with daughters in these cases.

Gia906 · 09/05/2025 11:08

I’ve thought a bit more about this thread and realised that I know many women who have fraught relationships with their mums and some say it’s because of their mum’s favouritism of their brother, the Golden Boy. Some are even completely no contact with their mums (and siblings in a couple of cases). If we’re going to go down the gender stereotyping route, I’d say this seems less common with adult sons. Certainly, in my admittedly v limited sample, I have never heard a male friend say “My mum had really pissed me off recently because…” whereas I do with some female friends.

Gia906 · 09/05/2025 11:11

wehavea2319 · 09/05/2025 11:04

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys.

Definitely agree with this, have noticed that a lot of mums with mixed gender children do fixate a lot more on the girls- do a lot 1-to-1 activities etc as they grow older and don’t seem as interested in nurturing the same sort of bond with sons. It’s unsurprising if they remain closer with daughters in these cases.

Good point! And if quality time between a daughter and mother = shopping or afternoon tea etc yet quality time with a son is sport with dad etc.

Banmooo · 09/05/2025 11:12

wehavea2319 · 09/05/2025 07:43

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together,

This is a lot of expectation for one person though. Just because you are the ‘glue’ to your family doesn’t mean your dd would do the same and it would be a bit unfair to just assume and expect that would be her role.

Yeah, don't put roles like that on your children. Especially not based on their sex.

I'm just as close to my sons as I am to my daughter. She doesn't have a different role or purpose to them, I don't so anything different with her compared to them.

MyOliveHelper · 09/05/2025 12:13

Surferosa · 09/05/2025 08:32

I've never known this as a "British principal". As I mentioned before it's only on mumsnet I've seen it banded about this idea that sons abandon their mothers when they meet a wife and don't spend Christmas's together and sons mothers aren't involved in their grandchildren.

Whereas in real life this just doesn't seem to happen. My friends who have kids have involved in laws, my dad was close to his mum, my male cousins are close to their mums, my husband is close to his mum and so forth. I have a son and I'm not in the slightest bit worried about our relationship in the future if he meets a wife!

Show quote history

As a midwife, I see it all the time in MC families. Dad's mum doesn't get a look in and is treated like a work colleague (you can see the baby in a month) whereas her mum will be present right from the labour. Probably the scans too.

BootballJoy · 09/05/2025 12:19

My DH is a lot better than I am about all the things you mention! Both of us are close to our family though.

Panamacatinahat · 09/05/2025 12:22

MrsMontgomerySmythe · 09/05/2025 02:20

Being a mom of only boys who are all adults now I can confirm it is wonderful.

I have 5 of the lovely chaps.

Two of whom have long term relationships.

We are all very close. And I have a very close relationship with both of the girlfriends. I think of them both as extra daughters. And one, whose own mother lives 1000s of miles away asked to call me mum.

Your adult relationships with your boys and their partners will be depend on the foundations you are laying with them as little boys. Please be reassured young can have very close relationships but yes it takes time and effort over many years.

i find that all 7 come and talk to me and Confide and I love them all so dearly. And I look forward to our family growing in love with more partners and one day grandchildren.

Being an all boy mum is a wild ride but I am sure in 1 years time you will not be able to imagine any other life.

What a beautiful post. You sound like a lovely family.

waterrat · 09/05/2025 12:27

My husband and his brother are both v close with their mum and we see her lots! Also I get on with her so I facilitate contact and visits too.

While I know where you are coming from I think you also need to put this in perspective. You could be hit by a bus in 10 years time while crossing the road.

Tomorrow is promised to nobody and wasting time and energy worrying about what life will be like when your children are adults is totally pointless!

I think you are hormonal. Live in the moment and enjoy the children you have - you have no idea how the future will turn out.

waterrat · 09/05/2025 12:28

I also agree that in families with only boys - the expectations are different. My brother in law has a very 'female' relationship with hiis mum actually.

When there is a girl - they would - like you!!! be 'expected' to be the female role more.

Seagullsandsausagerolls · 09/05/2025 12:35

wehavea2319 · 09/05/2025 11:04

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys.

Definitely agree with this, have noticed that a lot of mums with mixed gender children do fixate a lot more on the girls- do a lot 1-to-1 activities etc as they grow older and don’t seem as interested in nurturing the same sort of bond with sons. It’s unsurprising if they remain closer with daughters in these cases.

My MIL always said you just love your daughters more, now her three sons are all non-contact and she's really doesn't seem to get the reason why. It's all three DILs apparently. Same when the grandchildren appeared only her daughters little girl mattered.

MyOliveHelper · 09/05/2025 12:45

nameobsessed · 09/05/2025 08:53

I think there’s a lot more nuance to this than just saying, “Don’t think your son is evil or tainted.” Most women have had difficult or even traumatic experiences with men it’s not coming out of nowhere. So when some women express a preference for daughters, or speaks with caution about raising boys, it’s worth sitting with that instead of dismissing it.

The answer isn’t to feel defensive, but to raise better sons. Sons that become men who are gentle, emotionally intelligent, kind, and open-minded. Teach boys from an early age to be nurturing and responsible, give them baby dolls, play kitchens, and cleaning sets. Let them play freely without gender stereotypes. Prioritise their emotional development, talk about feelings, model respect, and teach them to respect girls and women as equals.

Hold boys to the same behavioural standards you would a daughter. Don’t let things slide just because “boys will be boys.” Expect empathy, thoughtfulness, and responsibility from the start. Emphasise connection, family, and mindfulness as part of their foundation.

If we do that, there’s less chance they’ll grow into the kind of men that people are afraid of or disappointed in.

And let’s not forget throughout history, men were, and often still are, seen as the superior sex. That hasn’t disappeared just because some women now wish for daughters. Wanting a daughter doesn’t equal hating sons- it’s often a reaction to living in a world that has too often centred male dominance.

Raising better boys is part of the solution.

Show quote history

Most women have equally had awful experiences with women. A lot of women have extremely unhealthy and even abusive relationships with their mothers. Still, they don't tend to put that on their daughters. They do judge infant boys by the standards of adult men, though. Interesting, isn't it?

coldlunch · 09/05/2025 13:05

I don't have any advice OP but wanted to say thank you for posting this. I have three children, all boys under the age of five so very little still and I too worry about the same as you. There's been some excellent advice on this thread.

sunsettosunrise · 09/05/2025 13:06

My DP is one of two boys, both DP and his brother are very close to their mum and, both SIL and I also have a good relationship with MIL, I really enjoy her company. We live close by, so have sunday lunch with them, have games nights etc. I dont have children yet but I think I would rather have MIL in the delievery room that my mother (I love her dearly but she is not a calm person!).

That said, we have Christmas every year with my mum but she lives two hours away in my hometown so I only see her every few months and she is widowed. Plus its a good chance to catch up with my family / friends. We see PIL weekly, and most of DP friends and family are in a 15 mile radius, so Christmas time has always been my trade off for living in DP home town.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/05/2025 13:29

My mother in law would tell you you're talking nonsense. She has two adult sons, both of whom she's close to. She sees our kids loads and we get in well., same for my SIL.

My own three boys see how we respect both Nans, how Dad looks after Nan and buys her cards, presents etc. They learn to be good men by following their father.

FIL was also one of all boys and the lads were all variously close over the years. DH and his bro aren't but just down to personality. Nothing a sister could fix.

HP07 · 09/05/2025 13:39

My husband is one of 3 boys. He is incredibly close to his younger brother and they are more like mates. He has a good relationship with his older brother although sees him a bit less often.
All three wives help to facilitate a fantastic relationship with our mother and father in law and there are loads of grandchildren who get on amazingly and love spending time together both at special occasions and just in general when we get the chance.
It’s more about the types of boys you raise I think really. Sure there will be some women who don’t get on with their in laws and make life hard for their husbands to stay in touch with their parents, but you don’t hear about all the women who get on well with their in laws and spend lots of great family time together.
Personally I enjoy spending time with both my side and my husband’s side of the family and we all all quite a close knit bunch on both sides.

HP07 · 09/05/2025 13:45

MyOliveHelper · 09/05/2025 12:13

As a midwife, I see it all the time in MC families. Dad's mum doesn't get a look in and is treated like a work colleague (you can see the baby in a month) whereas her mum will be present right from the labour. Probably the scans too.

Show quote history

This is so sad. I never understand how people can shut family out of their children’s lives like that. My mother in law was one of the first visitors we saw after our babies were born, I was so excited to show them off!
And she came to one of our scans as well.

Heronwatcher · 09/05/2025 13:57

The situations I have seen where the male partner’s mother/ family have been made low contact have (largely) either been where the MIL is an interfering manipulative nightmare or where the male partner’s mother is a waste of space who expects “wife work” to include remembering his family’s birthdays, making all arrangements and to boot doesn’t deal with minor annoyances until the wife/ MIL are ready to kill each other. If you are nice to your son’s future partners and raise your sons to be decent, hard working and egalitarian then you won’t have this issue!

Bimblebombles · 09/05/2025 13:58

I hear you. BUT. With all that said, I know a number of men who are very close to their Mums. I also know a number of females who are not close to their Mums. So I think you are perhaps overgeneralising here.

Just pour your efforts into laying down the good foundations now and building the important family bonds. Be the house that the teenagers like to hang out at. Be the welcoming house - the warm house with good food and nurturance. Your life and family is what you make it, and they will want to stay in touch regularly and see you regularly if they have that solid foundation.

My own daughter (age only 6) is telling me she never wants a child (she asked me the other day, "Can you say no if you don't want a baby?") It broke me a bit to think that she might never want that for herself, but she is who she is and I will support her in anything she does.

AliBaliBee1234 · 09/05/2025 13:59

MyOliveHelper · 09/05/2025 12:45

Most women have equally had awful experiences with women. A lot of women have extremely unhealthy and even abusive relationships with their mothers. Still, they don't tend to put that on their daughters. They do judge infant boys by the standards of adult men, though. Interesting, isn't it?

Show quote history

👏

AliBaliBee1234 · 09/05/2025 14:03

jkhglpsda · 09/05/2025 10:47

I think there’s a lot of faux naivety on this thread. It’s all well and good calling OP old fashioned, but it doesn’t take much time observing community, society and MN to see that much of what OP describes is the reality for a lot of families, the Christmas topic is best area to see that. And even if it isn’t that way for you (great) you must understand why it is a concern.

I genuinely don't observe this at all.

Most people i know take turns about with xmas. Except my brother and sil who actually go to my dad's every year! Again, I think what you're saying is very old fashioned.

It's not niavity if that's been our experience ....

The only time i've seen bad relationships is because of poor behavior on either the DIL or MIL's part.

Ladysodor · 09/05/2025 14:20

It all depends why you have children in the first place. A lot of people want daughters because (perhaps sub consciously) they view them as future caregivers which is very selfish imo.
Surely the sign of good parenting is raising a family of children who go out into the world independently, be they boys or girls. Some girls are natural home-birds some are selfish and the same can be said for boys. They’re just people and it’s silly to have expectations.

Bibbitybobbitybo · 09/05/2025 14:31

The only families I know with an issue it's because the boys and girls are treated differently (consciously or unconsciously). If you have all the same gender, whether boy or girl, you don't need to worry about putting that on your kids.

I am a little prickly about this because we've experienced it from my in laws. Basically dropped us when my sister in law had girls after prioritising her for years and then lied about it. As someone whose family treated both equally it has been extremely weird, hurtful, and disappointing.