Three boys - anyone relate?

[Threeboys27]

Posting in AIBU as I don’t think the people that can offer advice will be reading pregnancy..

Found out today our third and last baby is a boy. I’ll start by saying I am of course happy baby is healthy and that’s absolutely the most important thing.

Everyone in my life has been completely fixated on the gender for weeks, going on and on about how would I feel, what do I think it is, what will I do if it’s another boy(?), it’s like without me even saying it, everyone knew it would be a big deal to not have a girl.

I laughed it off finding out in the scan room, have joked with my family, hyped up my older boy that wanted a sister and told my friends it’s fine but in my own company I can’t stop crying and I’m genuinely gutted.

it’s not that I want to raise a little girl, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on the clothes or the hair or anything like that. I just feel like I’m grieving for my future self. I’m so close with my mum, she has an amazing relationship with my children, we lean on each other so much, I would struggle without her and she’d struggle without me. I have two brothers and I feel like I’ve always glued everyone together and kept them in check prioritising family, not to sound up my own arse but I think their lives and relationships with each other would look very different without me.

The majority of the men I know don’t have great relationships with their adult brothers, the women make all the calls about where the family spends their time and are generally much closer to the women’s family. This is my husband and brothers included.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums.

I’m wondering does anyone in my position with all adult boys feel like I’m being dramatic or is it justified to feel this way knowing how it turns out?

So you’ve never heard the expression “a daughter is for life, a son until he gets a wife” or however it goes? Your world is so small, you have zero understanding of this at all? I don’t believe you, you’re fitting your experience to what you want that narrative to be. And even if it genuinely was the case, you can use your emotional intelligence to understand it’s the experience of others, it is documented enough even if you are choosing to ignore it. I’m not being old fashioned, it’s not how I am raising my boys, but I am aware of it, thus am actively trying to overcome it, because it has been the default in my family, and many like ours.

You only have to read some of the threads on Mumsnet so see how hated Mother in Laws are!

Unfortunately many women prefer their own mothers over their husband’s mothers once they get married and have children.

I always wonder why they are so mean to their MILs especially when they have boys themselves ?!

Based on my experience, many women will still prefer their own mothers over their mother in laws, unfortunately.

I got so sick of people asking if I wanted DC3 to be a girl. It was relentless. They're now aged 18-30. DSs have great careers, wonderful partners (the eldest bought a home 5 minutes away and is married with a baby, DS2 is still at home), and I doubt either will ever move away. I meet DIL and GD every week for lunch on our own. My other DS's partner lives with us. I feel fortunate to get on well with them both.
DD (DC3) is 18 and will leave to do an integrated Masters later this year. The careers she's looking are in the financial sector, not something available locally. I doubt she'll ever return to live here.
When I read the stereotype of DSs not being as close to their DMs, I don't recognise the descriptions. Maybe we're outliers. My DC have some fairly significant health conditions amongst them (CHD, anaphylaxis and ADHD). I'd choose healthy over sex any day.

It’s sad but this only goes so far. It’s mainly how they prioritise how their wives/husbands/partners feel. They may want a close relationship but if their OH doesn’t then it will be very difficult for them to favour parents over partners. They could also move far away - as could daughters

I also think times have changed. I met and married someone in my hometown, married with babies early 20s, didn’t go to uni. Being close to my mum has been easy because I’ve lived round the corner, not been busy with a full-time job and career and she’s been a youngish grandmother with lots of time and energy for my k children. I’m early 30s now and so many of my friends or cousins the same age aren’t even thinking of babies yet, they’re working at careers, lots live 100s of miles away from home. My situation is quite uncommon but it probably wasn’t in previous decades?

Lots of people talk about worries of being second-place as a grandparent with sons, but for an increasing amount of people grandparenthood isn’t going to even start until they’re in their late 70s or so.

I have 3 adult sons who are all wonderful kind and would do anything for me( I’m disabled)
They have the same genitalia but are all different
I did raise an eyebrow at comments I had whilst out with newborn DS3 though
“ oh another boy? That’s a shame”
” you must be gutted”
” Aren’t you disappointed?”
NO!

Just because we are happy to prioritise a healthy child doesn’t mean we can’t have a preference regarding their sex, especially after already having more than one of the same sex. Nothing wrong with preferring to have the opportunity to raise children of both sexes?!

I think what you’ve described is common in lots of families. People will say otherwise but often the woman does dictate the social calendar and it will usually be with her family. Obviously that’s not always the case but I find it to be true in most cases.

I say that as a mum to 2 boys and 1 girl.

I understand completely OP. I cried for a day or two (not the whole day!) after I had my scan for my 2nd boy. As you say it wasn't sadness about him coming but sadness about the relationship that I'd never have as a mother. The best thing I did was confide in my own sisters and a close friend or two who didn't think I was silly or talk me out of it but just let me be sad and reassured me at the same time. I'm a godmother to two girls which is lovely and a close friend told me I was a fantastic mum for DS1 and she could see why another boy was coming my way - stereotypical perhaps but it helped a lot at the time.
I can tell you that after a week or so I never grieved it again and the baby I got was the most wonderful I could have imagined in so many ways. Would I have swapped him even at minute one for a little girl? No way. In the end it's the little baby you get that is the one for you, not their sex that's the important thing. Wishing you a happy remaining pregnancy and life ahead with your three sons 💙