Three boys - anyone relate?

[Threeboys27]

Posting in AIBU as I don’t think the people that can offer advice will be reading pregnancy..

Found out today our third and last baby is a boy. I’ll start by saying I am of course happy baby is healthy and that’s absolutely the most important thing.

Everyone in my life has been completely fixated on the gender for weeks, going on and on about how would I feel, what do I think it is, what will I do if it’s another boy(?), it’s like without me even saying it, everyone knew it would be a big deal to not have a girl.

I laughed it off finding out in the scan room, have joked with my family, hyped up my older boy that wanted a sister and told my friends it’s fine but in my own company I can’t stop crying and I’m genuinely gutted.

it’s not that I want to raise a little girl, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on the clothes or the hair or anything like that. I just feel like I’m grieving for my future self. I’m so close with my mum, she has an amazing relationship with my children, we lean on each other so much, I would struggle without her and she’d struggle without me. I have two brothers and I feel like I’ve always glued everyone together and kept them in check prioritising family, not to sound up my own arse but I think their lives and relationships with each other would look very different without me.

The majority of the men I know don’t have great relationships with their adult brothers, the women make all the calls about where the family spends their time and are generally much closer to the women’s family. This is my husband and brothers included.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums.

I’m wondering does anyone in my position with all adult boys feel like I’m being dramatic or is it justified to feel this way knowing how it turns out?

I have 3 (just) grown up boys. They are really close with each other and seem to have a shared wardrobe. They are very funny and extremely good company and mostly happy to hang out with us still. They’ve had their dad as a role model who was close to his mum; she lived with us for a while and he cared for her when she was ill.
Having three boys does feel a bit special - lots of fairytales seem to feature them. I think part of the difficulty is that other people expect you to be disappointed by it.

"they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys"

You don't have to raise your boys with those very British principles. Maybe from now, take some ideas from other cultures in terms of how they keep a tight knit close family throughout generations. The first thing is not to think your son is evil and tainted because he's male. We've had to speak about the gender disappointment shown by a lot of MC British women these days when they're told they're having a boy.

It doesn't have to be the way you described. I am one of three, 2 girls and a boy, my Mum is much closer to my brother than to me and my sister, her choice.

We are very close to my MIL and I see her as my own Mum. I had 2 boys and then a girl and would have felt the same as you. But I love my boys so much, they are so kind and loving uncomplicated 🤣. You will make your family work for you.

I have three boys (i did go on to have a surprise 4th which was a girl) but for many years, I thought I was gping to be a boy mum.

I feel you. I wasn't dialsappointed that he was a boy, I was just sad it wasn't a girl, if that makes sense? I felt all those emotions and it'd valid to have them - but I can almost guarantee that you will forget that as soon as he is here.

I have two younger brothers and I can confirm that they are just as close to my mum as I am - she jokes that even though they're married and have kids she still can't get rid of them. They go on holiday with them regularly (my brothers gatecrashing Mt parents hols, not the other way round!) And rbeyre always on the phone the same as me asking for advice or whether they can pop round for a coffee, so it's not true that boys won't have the same relationship.

Also, my two brothers are still very close - despite living 150 miles away from each other. They gonon lads holidays together, nights out, whatsapp chats, on their computers on a night when kids are in bed playing against each other.

I’ve just found out our third and last is a girl after two boys. Honestly despite wanting a girl previously I’m actually a bit gutted as I’d sort of assumed I’d have another boy and that’s how I’d envisioned my future with 3 adult men and the relationship they’d have. I honestly think it’s a bit about the finality of it being the last baby rather than the actual sex that’s the issue. I hope this doesn’t come across as trying to rub salt into your wound, but I wonder if you’d feel a bit the same even if it had been a girl.

I don’t have any sons but over the years we have been just as close to DHs family as mine. Yes, I didn’t take parenting advice from MIL (her advice wasn’t for me 😂) but they came to see the newborn babies just as soon as my parents did. MIL used to look after the dds every week when they were small and they stayed at their house more than they stayed at my parents (my mum is pretty unhelpful).

we have also had them for Christmas almost every year since me and DH were together. DH has 2 sisters who live in the same village as his parents. One has had his parents for Christmas once since we’ve been together and the other not at all. We rarely have my parents as they will have my sisters come to them and if we don’t have the in-laws they’ll be on their own despite DH having 2 sisters.

We probably do see my parents more now, but MIL now has dementia and struggles in busy environments for too long. But we still see them regularly.

sons don’t necessarily mean you’ll loose touch as they get older.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together,

This is a lot of expectation for one person though. Just because you are the ‘glue’ to your family doesn’t mean your dd would do the same and it would be a bit unfair to just assume and expect that would be her role.

I felt the same when mine were babies OP, but what I’ve noticed with them growing up is that it’s largely nurture over nature. When there are girls in the family mums tend to fixate on them more, parents put different expectations on girls and boys. When you have one sex, you will raise them differently to if you had both.

My boys are sensitive, mindful boys. I go out with them 1:1 and nurture my relationship with them in ways my mum never did with my brother, I have separate interests with them that keeps us close. My nearly 15 year old goes to the gym with me, we go to the cinema, he’s going away on a city break with his Grandma this weekend.

Theyre being raised to prioritise family, to be thoughtful, most importantly, that they matter and are a key part of this family. Think of cultures where the sons have a responsibility for parents, it’s nurture, not nature, we just live in a culture that values daughters more than sons (ironic given we are firmly in a patriarchy).

Raise your boys to have the relationship you want with yourself and your family. Value them, and they will value you.

I just can’t believe this is the life I have coming for me, no one to glue everyone together, they’ll all spend Christmas with their wives families, I won’t get to spend time with newborn grandchildren, I’ll sparsely hear from my boys. I just know how rubbish adult men are with their mums

That's a ridiculous way of thinking

I've got a brother who's married with children. We've spent every Christmas or Boxing Day with them. My Mum & Dad were invited to the hospital when my first niece was born. They saw her for the first time when she was just over an hour old. My Mum & Dad did the babysitting, the sleepovers and the 2 mini holidays twice a year. Not to mention the fun days out

We all go on a family mini break every year. He speaks to my Mum a few times a week on the phone, every day on What's app & makes a point of visiting every week to 10 days. She gets very spoiled at Mothers Day & Birthdays. Theyre very close

My Mum gets on well with my SIL & is incredibly close to her grandchildren.

In comparison my SIL has drifted apart from her siblings.

Your relationship with your children is what you make it regardless if they are sons or daughters.

Don't fall into the trap of stereotyping them based on threads on here

You don't know how lucky you are.
Three healthy boys.
I don't understand all these concerns regarding sons not being close when older.
I have two young adult sons and we all get on great, but l also have a life of my own, and lots of plans for my future.
I am one of three daughters, and hardly have any kind of relationship with my Mum, it's just the way it is.
Why waste time now worrying about what probably won't even happen?

I actually understand your feelings. It’s ok to grieve for the life with daughters you had hoped for. But equally you’ve then got to move on and make the best out of your situation with your lovely boys.

I don't know why you think you'll never see your boys when they're married, my husband is 1 of 3 boys and loves his mum to bits and we frequently see her, she comes round every weekend and he's always on the phone to her throughout the week, my DH younger brother still lives with her and his older brother calls her on a regular basis and she goes to stay with him every few months (he lives in another country) so just because you have sons doesn't mean they will never see or speak to you, I have a very good relationship with her too which also helps, obviously you have a long time to think about all of that but you can have a really good relationship with adult sons from what I've witnessed

I think what doesn’t help are the nasty mother in law comments on Mumsnet written mostly by women!!

I have 3 little boys. Let yourself feel the disappointment, you're allowed.
My boys are best friends, peas in a pod, voluntarily share a bedroom. My DH is a total mummy's boy and we all adore MIL, whereas I have a very difficult relationship with my mum. We spend more Christmases with his mum than mine.
Build the close relationships while they're still young, it will pay off when they're grown.

I've never known this as a "British principal". As I mentioned before it's only on mumsnet I've seen it banded about this idea that sons abandon their mothers when they meet a wife and don't spend Christmas's together and sons mothers aren't involved in their grandchildren.

Whereas in real life this just doesn't seem to happen. My friends who have kids have involved in laws, my dad was close to his mum, my male cousins are close to their mums, my husband is close to his mum and so forth. I have a son and I'm not in the slightest bit worried about our relationship in the future if he meets a wife!

I’m 30+ years ahead of you. I understand the hoping for a girl, but honestly, it’s great having 3 boys. Mine stay in touch with each other and are close to us, and I have lovely daughter in laws. From my experience, men do work differently to women with communication etc. so accept the fact that you’ll probably need to initiate a fair share of communication, particularly in teens/twenties, certainly until they're “settled” in life. My DH describes me as the hub of the family wheel, and he’s sort of right. I’m aware that relationships can often gravitate towards the woman’s family (mine and DHs did), so I have always made a point of promoting contact with my boys and (ever so gently) not being a push over ie expecting a share of their time and attention without being a pain. I’ve also always been happy to help them out so I’m involved in their lives, again without being a pain to them or making myself a martyr. I have three boys who I love dearly, and who I know love me by the way they act towards me and because they tell me regularly.

My brother is WAY closer to my parents than I am - partly because he doesn't have his own children and therefore has more time, but he's also geographically closer to them, and over shares everything with them in a way that I don't!

I have three boys (and a daughter) and feel close to all of them. The older two are only 20 and 21 and although they have partners, I don't know whether they are 'the ones' , but they are made very welcome. We are a close family and all goof about together.

My father is one of 6 and they all adored their mother - we spent a huge amount of time with my grandparents at their house (with and without my my cousins) when I was younger. Large family gatherings were completely normal when I was growing up, despite the siblings all living in different countries - we all make (and still make) an effort to prioritise family gatherings - because they are fun and we enjoy spending time together.

I do understand why you feel the way you do - I had a moment of "oh why not a girl so I had two of each" when my youngest was born, but honestly, boys are brilliant and there's no reason that they won't be close to you growing up and beyond.

I think there’s a lot more nuance to this than just saying, “Don’t think your son is evil or tainted.” Most women have had difficult or even traumatic experiences with men it’s not coming out of nowhere. So when some women express a preference for daughters, or speaks with caution about raising boys, it’s worth sitting with that instead of dismissing it.

The answer isn’t to feel defensive, but to raise better sons. Sons that become men who are gentle, emotionally intelligent, kind, and open-minded. Teach boys from an early age to be nurturing and responsible, give them baby dolls, play kitchens, and cleaning sets. Let them play freely without gender stereotypes. Prioritise their emotional development, talk about feelings, model respect, and teach them to respect girls and women as equals.

Hold boys to the same behavioural standards you would a daughter. Don’t let things slide just because “boys will be boys.” Expect empathy, thoughtfulness, and responsibility from the start. Emphasise connection, family, and mindfulness as part of their foundation.

If we do that, there’s less chance they’ll grow into the kind of men that people are afraid of or disappointed in.

And let’s not forget throughout history, men were, and often still are, seen as the superior sex. That hasn’t disappeared just because some women now wish for daughters. Wanting a daughter doesn’t equal hating sons- it’s often a reaction to living in a world that has too often centred male dominance.

Raising better boys is part of the solution.

I get it OP. Women are often the communicators, mental load carriers and organisers. I think for families where there is a daughter this can fall to her. Having all boys means they can’t put all this on a sister. They’ll have to step up. I also have only boys. One thing that’s important for us is my DH modelling an involved, shared load partnership. Household chores are split. They see him cooking, doing school runs, clubs, arranging things with his family etc. I want to raise them to be active partners not reliant on their DW to arrange me see. What a fab opportunity you have to raise brilliant men!

Thank you everyone for your replies and taking the time to share such positive experiences!

Im feeling much calmer this morning, I think i’d just held it in all day yesterday and the shock hit me in the middle of the night.

I suppose you only really hear about when things go wrong but in reality the majority of people in this scenario are living contently which is very comforting.

I’m definitely not concerned about my boys personalities or how I think they will turn out as men, they’re the kindest, sweetest, most loving, gorgeous things I’ve ever laid my eyes on. It was more just worrying about a lack of direction from not having a sister doing the organising, booking things and keeping everyone together etc which is the role I play. Obviously no guarantee my hypothetical daughter would have wanted that role anyway, just basing things a lot around my own family dynamic.

Anyway I’m sure once baby boy is here I will never look back or be able to imagine it any other way!

I mean this nicely but is that the role you would want for your daughter or even for your sons that as they grow up that they need to rely on a woman to organise everything and keep everything together.

I have two brothers that I don't get on with but even if I did, I wouldn't be taking on this responsibility. After all they are grown men with jobs and houses of their own.

As I said previously, I just don't seem to have this situation in real life where men are completely incapable of keeping in touch of their family or needing a women to do all the communicating and organising. It's 2025, all the men I know are fully functioning adults who are able to maintain relationships with their families without relying on their sister, wife etc to do it for them.

Having 3 boys will be wonderful and special. I can guarantee the things you worry about won't actually happen and you'll wonder what you were ever worrying about.

That’s not completely true. I am closer to my MIL than I am with my own mother. She sees her grandchildren way more and we spend every Christmas with them.
I think it’s different for every family.

anyway, you may get the girl you always wanted through one of your boys! It’s 2025 after all.

I do get it. I’d be sad too.

but my husband is very close to his mum (not in a crazy MN toxic way!) I’m also close to her and she helps with our kids. He is close with his brothers and they do ‘family’ stuff. One of his brothers often holidays with his parents too.

I'm glad you're feeling better today OP, and I understand why you'd feel disappointed if you'd been hoping for a girl. But the rest of your post is wild and I think you need to take a good look at how you see gender roles. It's also worth considering that some or all of your sons may be gay, asexual, single, childfree... You may not have grandchildren or in-laws at all.