To think this is way too young to be thinking about sex

[PeriodDramas]

DS is 11, 12 in 4 months. He and his friends spend an inordinate amount of time talking about sex at the moment.

He also has a girlfriend.

Surely this is too young to be thinking about these things?

You are the parent. Limit the time spent with these children.

My son is a similar age to yours - I can’t say I really like his friendship group in school; so out of it, there is limited contact. His weekends are filled with clubs and activities so he still socialises and has a life away from school.

How do you hear them chatting?

I would also have no issue telling him he’s far too young to have a girlfriend.

There’s no way on this earth would I condone my 11 year old child to have a girlfriend. The child has only just started secondary school. Education is what he should be thinking about. This isn’t normal, why are we not allowing our children to be children anymore.

Exactly. I'm so shocked at the posters that say it's "very normal" and are really casual and unbothered about an 11 year old having a girlfriend and talking to his 11 year old friends about sex. You are not "at the cusp of puberty" at 11, stop robbing kids of their childhood!

Having been an 11 year old boy in the 90s, sex was probably the topic of a good 50% of all conversations. We we confidently incorrect about what it actually involved most of the time, but it seemed very important to seem like you knew for some reason.

It looks to me that the OP is likely to become a grandparent sooner than she thinks. It may not even be a teenage pregnancy because they’ve not even reached that age as yet. Disgusting. I would be embarrassed to even mention this to anyone to be honest. What has this world become 😢

It really depends how they are talking about sex. Sniggering about the number 69 and Master Bates in Oliver Twist is very different to talking about porn and what they have seen/want to do to girls.

I was definitely on the cusp of puberty at 11. When on earth do you think puberty begins?

And I was another thinking about sex quite a bit. I only found out about it at 10 and was in equal parts both repelled and fascinated.

Wouldn't have been allowed a boyfriend at that age, mind you.

When I was 11 me and my friends gossiped a lot about sex. We weren’t really sure what it was and it was exciting when we found something out. Didn’t mean we were close to having sex. Also it definitely is puberty. I had my period at 10 and definitely had … urges with aren’t abnormal - lots of young teens masturbate and providing no porn I think that’s normal and part of self discovery. I didn’t have sex until 18 so to all the posters talking about teen pregnancy maybe get a grip. It’s natural curiosity

Teen Dd had a general anaesthetic, (a planned minor op) and I was told that all girls/women age 13 or older have to take a pregnancy test beforehand. I was a bit taken a back and pearl clutchy, but it must be a frequent enough issue for that to be a required precaution. Yes it feels very young but since children clearly are talking about sex (and having sex) we owe it to them to give them the knowledge and language to make good decisions about their bodies.

Agree.

Do these boys have no hobbies or extra curricular activities?

When is the last time you looked through your DS' phone to see what he's absorbing from the internet?

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-65534354

This report was published in May 2023. Children as young as 8 were exposed to pornography.
2 years on a similar report might find 6 year olds exposed.

I'm sorry but DS was done and dusted with puberty at 12. He was early in that regard, but he was his full adult height and weighed about 11 stone. He certainly certainly didn't think of himself as child, but lucky for him, I tried to, against all the physical evidence to the contrary. He also had a girl friend and although they didn't have sex because of constant policing, they definitely would have liked to.
He did make the most of his education too. It is possible to have more than one interest!
Much easier for all I guess if puberty is later but you can only start from where you are.

The girlfriend ship has sailed.

He has one already.

I think this is about parents not wanting to let go of their little girls/boys. I’m sorry, but if you think 11/12 is abnormal for being curious about sex and having sexual thoughts, you’re deluded. It’s the start of puberty and is NORMAL. Your kids are growing up and the sooner you accept that and talk to them about their bodies, the better.

Burying heads does no good, neither does shouting or coming across overly controlling. Surely you all remember being that age before? Unless you were slow developers 😃

Of course they are on the cusp of puberty at 11. The average age is 11 for girls and 12 for boys. This means that some will be even younger. When do you think puberty happens?

We were all fascinated by sex from the age of ten onwards, I’m sorry to say. And this was before the days of the internet. I was well into puberty by then, so I grew up faster than some of my classmates. But I absolutely remember sex being a big topic of conversation in year 6 or 7 onwards. It didn’t mean we were anywhere near ready to do it, but we were all very curious about it.

According to semi-autobiographical books of N.Mitford, 11-year old aristocratic GIRLS talked about sex all the time even in 1920s.

You come across as quite passive with all respect OP. If you’re not happy with who he’s mixing with then stop it. Who do you want to be his influences? Get him involved in sports, helping you with a shared hobby, pay him for chores.

It's the year they are taught sex ed in school? I think? Some kids are more verbal than others if they have older siblings (or abusive homes). If its innocent talk I'd ignore but keep an eye. If someone ar 11 is having sex then yes red flag central.

My point is that even the kids whose parents restrict adult material can get access to information (correct or incorrect) one way or another, and that a kid knowing something about sex doesn’t automatically mean that he’s either being sexually abused or looking at porn.

11/12 is on the younger side to become interested, but not abnormally so, in my opinion.

I remember having a keen interest in sex at around this age. Only one of my friends shared it, so when we had the chance we discussed it in depth (and those discussions were pretty weird, looking back on it now).

My daughter was the same - at around 11 she became very interested in sex, had strong crushes on certain celebrities etc. Her best friend is the same, and their discussions about it are pretty racy.

I have striven to keep an open, non-judgemental dialogue with her about this, answering her numerous questions in as honest a way as I can, while also keeping my answers age-appropriate. I acknowledge her sexuality, but also repeat that I would strongly advise her to wait until AT LEAST 16 before becoming sexually active in any way. (Explaining my reasons). I have also spoken to her openly about my strong objections to pornography, which she says she shares. (Of course we have all the blocks on her phone/the WiFi that you would expect, but we all know that a determined, intelligent, tech-literate teen can find a way around those at some point and view porn if she is utterly determined to, so a better bet I think is to help her understand why the porn industry is terrible and degrading, so she won't WANT to experiment with it).

I think "normal" covers quite a wide range - some people seem to develop strong sexual feelings/interest from around age 11, while for some this is only starting at around15/16 (or later/never in some cases).

OP, I don't think that the fact that your son and his friends are interested in sex is a problem in and of itself. But if I were you I would try to monitor the content of these discussions as much as you can, to ensure they aren't misogynistic; that no peer pressure is coming into play; etc.

If you appear judgemental, all you will achieve is encouraging him to conceal his views on sex from you.

Whereas what you want him to be is open and honest with you, I would think.

Also, it is developmentally appropriate for it to be just one of wide a range of interests. If he seems to be thinking/talking about sex to the exclusion of school work and other hobbies and interests, then I do think there is a problem which may require further exploration.

Good luck! Parenting is a bloody mine-field!.

I had an adult amount of pubic hair at ten and got my period when I was eleven, so the idea of eleven-year-olds not even being on the cusp of puberty is bizarre to me.

And to those of you who have chosen to rant at OP about how she is "not being a parent" (of course she is - if she was indifferent as to what happened to her child, why would she be posting on here in the first place?)

And about how you would "not allow" your child to have a boyfriend or girlfriend at this age, etc.....

Are you aware that all human beings possess the capacity for deception?

If you were yourself an 11 year old who, for whatever reason, wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend, and you had a mom and/or dad who forbade you to have one, what would you do?

If it were me, I simply wouldn't tell them.

I'm sure you think your child wouldn't lie to you/conceal things.

Do you think anybody readily believes their child would?

But, we have to be realistic. You know it happens. You know that not every child tells their parents everything they think, feel and do.

So what do you want to encourage/create? An atmosphere of honesty, openness, and free discussion?

Or an atmosphere of draconian judgement and fear?

(I have no idea if by writing this I will achieve anything at all. But if I cause just one of you to think again, maybe it's worth it).

I have a 12 year old boy who goes red in the face at the mention of how babies are made and isn’t one bit interested in girlfriends/boyfriends. I think what you’ve described is a bit concerning for their age tbh.

Maybe in the sort of family that thinks it’s normal for 16 year old girls to have their boyfriends spending the night. But not in ours.

Curiosity is one thing. Kids age 11 dating is quite another.