To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

[TwinklyAmberSquid]

DP lied about finances, job status, entire scenarios... the lot. I have a good amount of self esteem...but for some reason I didn't leave, we worked through it and we are now past it. Genuinely.

I confided in a friend about what happened (we are 2 years past it now) and she looked at me like I had two heads and unleashed a lot of "I'd leave...I'd never put up with that...Are you sure..."

I told her I trusted my instincts when they told me something was up, and I trusted my instincts when they told me he's changed.

What's the biggest thing you've forgiven DP for? What was the outcome?

Exactly the same as you OP. I forgave all those things .

Until they happened again and again. We’re not together now. Thank God.

Changed or not, no way I’d still be there.
He can be a changed man with someone else.

I think it's easier to say that you'd never forgive something when you're just an outside observer and not a person invested in a relationship.

Are you always looking out for more lies? I don’t think I could forgive so much. It would always be at the back of my mind and I’d always be watching for more lies. That’s no way for a relationship to progress.

Exactly this. To err is human, to forgive divine.
I haven’t been in the OPs position (yet?) but I think it can take more self esteem to make your own judgement to continue a relationship like the OP has, than to end it because you are worried about what others will say or think if you stay.

It would depend how stretched the lies were.

I'd forgive my partner for a little exaggeration, a little rose tinted specs..

But outright life altering lying? Big ones? I'm not sure I could trust him again.

I think if you’ve persevered for the last two years, and you are absolutely sure that nothing has happened since, then the comment from your friend is almost irrelevant. She could express the shock that you did forgive And move on, but it doesn’t mean that you should be changing your initial decision. If this was a few months, I’d be saying she’s right. But two years (Unless you’re genuinely unhappy, the trust still isn’t there) I’d be saying, don’t look back and don’t open up old wounds as it will bring back a lot of conflict.

You’ve got past it, why does it matter If someone else wouldn’t?
Don't compare your situation to anyone else’s.
Although now I’m coming along with my 2 penny’s worth, I could never trust dh ever again if he had lied about anything as fundamental (to me) as finances.
If you’re got money or not, debt or not, just be honest.
Without trust I couldn’t stay with dh.
But I’m not you and vice versa. We’re all different and have different boundaries and that’s just fine.

I think I would've been too embarrassed to tell anyone really.

What reaction were you expecting from your friend?

I think you’re very naive to think your instincts will save you OP as presumably you believed his lies initially (which sound multiple, persistent and convoluted) for a good while - they weren’t working too well for a while! Ultimately it doesn’t matter a jot what your friend or anyone else thinks though, you’re the one who has to live this life with him.

When it comes to forgiving, personally for me it depends a lot on the context and the person.

The biggest one is cheating. There were relationships where I didn’t forgive it, there’s one that I did. Even I was surprised, but well.

Your friend is probably very concerned for you, I would be in her position.

I think people can change to an extent, but to be lying about so much about who they are.

Sounds too unstable, dishonest and Walter Mitty-ish for me.

Trust is too critical to a relationship IMO.

Biggest thing I've forgive has been my partner signing up to a dating site (with fake info).

Another thing was some lad talk he has with a friend that I felt was disrespectful to friends husband and towards me.

We talked it through. I know it sounds really bad when written down but knowing what we were going through at the time, and what I did at the time I felt like I could forgive and move on.

@Trickabrick I did say in my post that my instincts told me something was up...now they are telling me all is well. He messed up and lied. I confronted him. He admitted it....It's over. Perhaps that's how my mind works but it's that simple. I'm happy. He's super honest now. Very transparent. It's interesting that everyone is eager to admit that couples go through things....but apparently the only issues that are allowed are arguments about the washing and baby names. Maybe I'm just a doormat.

@Rewis Thanks for sharing. Means a lot. Couples do indeed go through real things...or so I thought.

Maybe you are. Does it matter if you’re happy?
I’m a fiercely loyal partner/mother/friend but I’m not a forgiving person. So I don’t tolerate lying about the big stuff. Not keen on lying about small stuff either tbh.

Do you trust him? As in, genuinely trust him?

I think to have a hope of a happy ever after following something of that magnitude, forgive and forget isn't enough. You need to find out the cause of the behaviour itself in the first place and the person needs to take steps to ensure that cause is removed for good. They also need to understand why their response to the situation was deceit and work on the flaw in their character that made that their choice. Few people insist on those steps when they forgive, so what you're really doing is keeping your fingers crossed it won't happen again. I hope you're an exception.

@faerietales Implicitly. He just made a mistake. As I said....not every couple is lucky enough for their issues to be no milder than a baby name debate and who cleans up. I never thought love was about what you would never do. I thought it was about what you could get through. Sometimes the hurdle is external. Sometimes internal.

It's easy to say you would never forgive and that you would walk away. Actually doing it when you are in it is very different.

I always said I would never forgive cheating. Until I did. Because it wasn't as black and white as that. We were both unhappy and didn't know how the hell to fix it. We separated. Husband very quickly started another relationship and has always sworn it didn't start until after he left, that she was just someone who was nice to him 'for the moment'. I never wanted him to leave so I still considered it cheating, apart from anything else we were still married. We both had solo counselling and eventually decided to start again while living apart. He is far kinder, far more respectful of me and our relationship than he had been for a long time. We have both recognised our own flaws and matured a lot in how we deal with challenges.

I'm just interested in how you can trust him, I guess, knowing that he lied to you for so long and about so much.

He lied deliberately. That's not a mistake. That's a calculated choice to deceive you. I'm not surprised your friend was shocked

What were his reasons for lying? Did this happen at the start of your relationship? How long was he telling lies before you realised?

Why did he do it though?