To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

[TwinklyAmberSquid]

DP lied about finances, job status, entire scenarios... the lot. I have a good amount of self esteem...but for some reason I didn't leave, we worked through it and we are now past it. Genuinely.

I confided in a friend about what happened (we are 2 years past it now) and she looked at me like I had two heads and unleashed a lot of "I'd leave...I'd never put up with that...Are you sure..."

I told her I trusted my instincts when they told me something was up, and I trusted my instincts when they told me he's changed.

What's the biggest thing you've forgiven DP for? What was the outcome?

It’s easy for posters to say they would leave, hypothetically. In reality, people only make these decisions if this actually happens to them. And real life isn’t perfect. So yanbu to stay - but you must be aware that people often repeat behaviours.

He’ll do it to you again. The personality type needed to do that kind of thing doesnt change

I was with someone who, after four years, I discovered to be a compulsive liar -and yes, I did leave. Not everyone is coming at this from a hypothetical viewpoint.

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

Edited to delete multiple post

I couldn’t be with a liar. It’s a fundamental. Can’t think of anything significant I’ve had to forgive DH for. Farting or suchlike at most.

Dh wasn’t honest with me about how dysfunctional his family was. To be fair to him, he experienced a lot of trauma as a child and like literally cannot even speak about certain things in his family. It took him nearly 10 years to be able to talk about it with me and only because a serious incident (and the police) forced his hand. But it meant that our dc weren’t kept as safe from certain family members as they should have been. I do understand why he couldn’t talk about it (and to be fair, lots of other people who weren’t traumatised at all did nothing too!), but it was by far, the worst thing he’s ever done.

Thankfully, no harm came to our dc. He was eventually able to talk about it. We are NC with those family members now and all was fine in the end.

Beyond that, the worst thing he ever kept from me was back when we were dating and we were planning to go off travelling in Asia for 8 weeks. But instead of saving his student finance money for our travels, he blew it buying himself a banjo, because despite having no musical talent whatsoever, he got drunk one night and decided he was going to learn to play the banjo. He didn’t want to tell me that he now had no money to go. Other than the incident above, it’s the angriest I have ever been at him in the 17 years we have been together. 😂 I think I frankly scared the life out of him and he returned the bloody banjo and had money for travelling and off we happily toddled to Delhi.

I'd find it difficult to trust anything he said.

STBX got into about £4k's worth of credit card debt. I was furious because I would have taken different decisions had I known. His parents bailed him out. We restructured our finances. Then he did it again, I found out at £3k. It wasn't the only reason but hastened the inevitable.

I know someone whos husband pretended they went to work for nearly a year. They are divorced now.
I don't thinknI could forgive outright lies like that.
I could forgive things like saying youll be home by 9 and coming in at 11. Or saying youll cook dinner for when i get in and then not having done it.
That kind of thing I forgive.

It depends when it happened / for how long he kept up the big lie. If it was quite a long time, I'd not find it "unforgivable", but I'd find it very weird and a bit alarming. I'd wonder if he was a bit of a fantasist? And I wonder if fantasists ever change and how far they would go to maintain an image

Twice I have technically forgiven partners something big. One was an affair. Another was a huge let down/rejection after I had made a major life change to be with them.

What ended up happening was that although I'd supposedly forgiven them, the big thing they'd done gradually changed my feelings for them. It wasn't in a 'one and done' way. But a gradual attrition. I'm sure each of them didn't even really understand it was their big mistake that had ended it, given that it was years later.

You forgave him @TwinklyAmberSquid but do you 100% trust him now?

I couldn’t.

Exactly

I forgave a big thing. However ...

the thing was admitted to me within hours.
and
It was something i'd never have found out, but he so was disgusted with himself he couldn't have even tried to hide it. So he didn't. And gave me the opportunity to decide what to do.

Those facts (and maybe the pure state of the man as he told me about it) (on his knees) were the things which made forgiveness possible.

What i personally couldn't forgive would be long term lies and deceit.

How long was that lie played out? How did he maintain the lie? Did he continue deceiving you while you made detrimental choices, based on his lies? How long was he prepared to lie, if your intuition had failed you? How have these lies affected your current position?

@TheAmusedQuail - that's really interesting.

It's something i was concerned might happen. Maybe still am.

I forgave my husband last week for the dire dinner he made me in July of 2012 on return from the hospital after having DD.
I asked for cauliflower cheese but he served me cold slop and I cried. He finally learnt how to make it even better than myself last Sunday so all is forgiven.

My mother was married to one like yours op, he never really changed, he just seemed to be incapable of telling the truth about anything, even non consequential things and when he was found out he'd be on his best behaviour for a while and start up again.

The lying really did her in, she had a mental breakdown eventually, hospitalised for the majority of 3 years.

Be careful.

I think until you are in the situation you don't know what you can forgive.

I recently found out my husband had cheated and that he is gay. I'm absolutely devastated and in my late night crying sessions I realised that I would have forgiven him for the cheating if it would stop him from leaving. The gay thing is the thing thats ending our relationship as I'm not a gay man. I honestly thought I'd never forgive cheating, but here we are

I'm not sure I did fully forgive but I stayed when ex h confessed to an affair when he had no choice. I was judged for staying. Judged for having a glass of wine when I had a bad night due to this. I don't regret staying but O M G I am glad I've left now even if the reason why was multiple times worse than his affair.

Agreed.

The underlying issue that is the driving force that makes someone tell these Walter mitty type lies is often so fundamental the drive to do it is too strong.

So even when someone knows they are risking blowing up their lives they keep doing it.

Given you stayed I'd recommend proceeding with extreme caution and financially speaking you should never fully trust them. Ever.

I wouldn't even ask the question on here as the vast majority will tell you to LTB. As others have stated it is rarely so black and white when it happens to you. I forgave my DH for something I thought I never would, again there were reasons around the behaviour. It took a hell of a lot of soul searching and we did split for 8 months but 3 years on I barely think about it.

I don’t think it’s black or white - but everyone has a boundary. My H had a short affair many moons ago. Lasted a couple of weeks. It was a very stupid thing for him to do, it really hurt and he was remorseful and we both made a choice to change our life together.

A friend had a four year affair with her boss (I didn’t find out until after it ended and it was a shit show). I don’t view her the same way now.

She ended up alone. Her affair partners wife found out and forgave - in fact they patched things up and got married. I couldn’t forgive a four year affair - think of every conscious made to lie to your face to spend time with the OW. Every time they said they were going to work but left earlier to meet OW at her house. Every ‘late in traffic’ or ‘meeting overran’ when they’re shagging.

A few weeks was hard enough to forgive. But years? Nah - I just couldn’t manage that.

Sorry, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. Fortunately, I found that out twice with two different exs, first with money and the second with women.