To forgive DP for the unforgivable.

[TwinklyAmberSquid]

DP lied about finances, job status, entire scenarios... the lot. I have a good amount of self esteem...but for some reason I didn't leave, we worked through it and we are now past it. Genuinely.

I confided in a friend about what happened (we are 2 years past it now) and she looked at me like I had two heads and unleashed a lot of "I'd leave...I'd never put up with that...Are you sure..."

I told her I trusted my instincts when they told me something was up, and I trusted my instincts when they told me he's changed.

What's the biggest thing you've forgiven DP for? What was the outcome?

I never thought love was about what you would never do. I thought it was about what you could get through.

OP, this comment is really profound! I’ve never thought of it like this, but it’s a really good way of looking at things…

Hey everyone.

The lie (s) were very early in the relationship - the first year.

The deceit lasted for around 6 months.

We are truly past it and I've realised that not all behaviour is compulsive.

Some men cheat once. Some women cheat a million times. Some people forgive. Some people don't. Every relationship is different.

I guess my friends reaction got me thinking if not leaving was a sign of a lack of self respect. But I don't feel like an idiot, and DP doesn't treat me like one....So I guess I answered my own question.

It's interesting. If "people don't change" then what do you say about people who have their first affair at 55? Are you suggesting that everyone who cheats has been doing it since the day they turned 18 and have always been like that? Or that now they've started, they are insatiable and cannot stop?

Some people have a flawless relationship for 20 years, then their DP just does a 180. Some people have a rocky first few years then just slide into smoother sails.

Honestly - one thing I've learned is successful loving relationships don't look just one way.

We all have different boundaries and my mentality is that our mistakes are not inherit personality traits.

Some people really just do stupid things once. They don't like how it made them feel and they never do it again.

Some people do stupid things all the time....

I honestly think it's that simple.

My DP lied about money and his job for around 6 months. He was called out, admitted it, felt terrible, then we plodded along. Before I knew it, we were stronger than ever. Go figure.

Would be interesting to continue to hear some of the things you guys have successfully forgiven.

Same. Evidently this DP will be able to get away with all kinds of shit.

Keep writing it, you may even believe it one day

But can he explain why he lied to you for your months?

Honestly my own experiences mean I wouldn’t forgive any deceit, because someone who loves you would not deliberately lie to you or hurt you and I know I deserve better than a relationship where I ever have to doubt if I am being told the truth or being cheated on, lied to, taken for a fool.

Your partner didn’t “make a mistake” OP, he made a conscious choice every single day for 6 months to lie. A mistake would have been just hiding the truth once. Your choices are you own, I certainly wouldn’t have made the same one.

People very rarely change who they fundamentally are, what they are capable of, and the thing with forgiving things whether it is lies or an affair is that rightly or wrongly what you are telling that person is that it doesn’t really matter what they do, you will stay. It’s a green light for future “mistakes” because even if you did the “oh I forgive this time but NEXT time you’re gone” you’ve proven with your actions that you will stay. My husband knows absolutely that lying, infidelity etc would be an immediate end for us, that’s a complete and hard line I’ve always been very clear on, it’s simple, we both know exactly where we stand. But your line there now is smudged, it has gaps in that you can never fill back in because you’ve already proven it’s not your hard line and that’s a very risky place to be.

@Doobeedoodoo I 100% do trust him....Sorry but doesn't everyone make mistakes? I'm not being sarcastic or naive. I genuinely have made horrible life choices...only God knows where I'd be if I was written off for life for them...I'm not dangerous or a fantasist. I'm just human. Maybe because of my job I'm very aware of that no one is as sanctimonious as they pretend to be 😂

@whitewineandsun No way. He can't get away with "all kinds" and hasn't done "all kinds"...Literally just this...I'm a bit confused at what you mean? I certainly wouldn't forgive this again, but it hasn't happened again. I haven't so much as sniffed it.

Yes of course everyone makes mistakes. But 6 months of deception is not a ‘mistake’ - it is a glaring character flaw. Untrustworthiness and lack of integrity are not desirable in a life partner.

@Mrsttcno1

May I say that threatening your husband or making it clear you'd leave makes no difference on whether he would do you wrong or not? Most women who get cheated on and lied to say they'd leave if it happened. Doesn't stop their partner at all.

Not everyone see's forgiveness as a weakness.

Some people make bad choices, regret them, don't do it again and are grateful for a secound chance.

I know I've been given a second chance for poor choices that 20 years later I havent even dreamt of throwing down the toilet. I'm grateful. I respect my second chance. DP does too.

My exh cheated on me and I found out and divorced him.

I truly couldn't vote because it's your choice to put up with that but I couldn't. He lied so easily and often. He's lied about all the important things so I couldn't trust him. Rock solid intuition or no, you didn't realise he was full of shit at the time did you?

I once dumped someone for leaving muddy footprints on my rug (we’d only been dating a few months) so no, I can’t say I’d forgive and stay in a relationship with someone who lied about money and their job for six months. I used to make horrible relationship choices with people who treated me badly due to my own unresolved trauma. I’ve had a lot of therapy to unpick it, and now, my rule for being in a relationship is that if it doesn’t actively enhance my life, it’s not worth being in. I don’t believe relationships should be hard work, that’s just a platitude used to convince others (or ourselves) to put up with undesirable behaviour.

Your friend was probably concerned because his behaviour was so disrespectful and he may very well do it again. People who don't respect you, respect you less when you forgive them.

I think it can depend on your general belief that being forgiving and getting through things is a strength.

Sometimes, but not always.
I'm glad we got through some difficult times in our long marriage but I wouldn't ever want to get through financial dishonesty and lying for months on end.

My deal breaker is a being a liar, by MY choice.

I think for me it would depend if I could understand why the lies happened and his thought process and felt that he/me/the situation could prevent the same happening again. It sounds like your DP was insecure or similar (just from the type of things he lied about) and you felt you could both fix it? I knew I couldnt forgive my ex for cheating as, while I could uunderstand why he did it, I didn't feel I could change things enough to stop him having those needs in future given the person he was. So I couldn't take him back because there was no way to move past it.

DP lied about finances, job status, entire scenarios.

That's at least three major things to deceive you about. And he got away with it for six months. Not really a stretch to think that if you forgive that, you'll forgive him again. Or he'll get better at lying.

It's your life, though.

This.
People (even honest ones) treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
You set your bar with your forgiveness for some very serious deceit. Be very wary.

Oh dear.
Personally, nothing. Married 20 years and I'd never be with a man who chose to do things that require forgiveness. It shows a man that you're willing to accept shit behaviour and he's free to do it again and again.
Only date and marry very high quality men, who are intelligent, fully functional, life enhancing, feminist. Leave the shit ones alone.

A mistake is forgetting to put the bins out, or getting a daft tattoo, or paying silly money for a taxi because you didn’t check the train times properly.

Not lying to someone about the fundamental basics of who you are.

It sounds like you were looking for validation of your decision to accept this behaviour by writing this thread, but from the reactions can you at least see that your friend’s reaction is quite normal?

You are still very early in this relationship, I assume no kids yet? I’d think very carefully about your future with this man.

It is one thing to get into financial difficulties, be massively ashamed and make the monumentally stupid decision to lie about it. Many people would find that alone unforgivable, purely because trust is destroyed.

But quite another to lie about your identity. Massive red flag 🚩

How could he have no choice but to have porked another woman? Did she fall and land in an unfortunate way?
(Oh, did you mean he had no choice but to admit it?)

It absolutely makes a difference. It at least makes it a weigh up.

I have known multiple men who have affairs and their wives stay, some that even openly brag that they have the best of all worlds. If you know you have nothing to lose, you may as well do whatever you want.

And again, 6 months of lies isn’t a one off mistake or bad choice. Someone capable of keeping up a lie to someone they supposedly care about for 6 months isn’t worth a chance.

So how long have you been together in total? It sounds like he lied for the first six months and you've been together a total of two years since? And presumably at the time you discovered this, you didn't have any shared finances and his lies mostly only impacted him?

If so, I think it's a bit disingenuous to suggest this was a huge thing that you weathered- in a married couple with shared assets/children/financial responsibilities, a partner lying about their job etc would be a massive betrayal. A guy lying about his job to impress a new date isn't really here or there in comparison.

Either way, it's still very new relationship in real terms and only time will tell if you were right to trust him - I hope he appreciates your faith in him!

This has also resonated with me. About my ex h who I loved enough to stay over an action but didn't as I left over cruel words. And a man who I can't imagine never ever not having in my life even though it's not easy and bloody well hurts at times. I'm going to make a note of what you said, @ I can't tag as can't see who said it, I thought it was @TwinklyAmberSquid but can't find it now.