Is it normal for most grandmothers to leave the country during the expected birth of their grandsom

[Summer2025]

I am not especially bothered as dh is trying to distance himself (long story and it wasn't an easy decision). But am on civil terms even if we don't meet often and she knows my due date.

She is going abroad for the summer to visit her elderly father, she usually stays 1 to 2 months.

I am just wondering if its normal to show this level of interest. I mean yes she and dh have their issues and I fully support dh prioritising his mental health but does that usually extend to a baby as well? It's not like she asked me or spoke to me re this..

This is also her only grandchild she will ever have in the same country. Daughter no 2 moved to America permanently with her child and due to cost of flights will hardly ever come back so it is a zoom relationship. Daughter no 2 engaged but no children yet, lives in Europe. Daughter no 3 says she doesn't want kids and has never had a relationship at 26 and is anyway v dependent on mum. Dh got a vasectomy.

So this is your MIL?

If she visits her elderly father every year at this time, I'm not sure why she would change that this year just because you're having a baby.
Her DF may not be around for much longer. Your baby she will be able to see when she gets back, as often as she wants.

If she has an elderly parent that she normally spends 1-2 months with, you can't expect her to abandon that responsibility, particularly when you're actively trying to distance yourselves from her.

I think it says volumes about the relationship between your husband and his mum. Without the back story, it is difficult to tell.

Don't know about most but mum was on holiday in US when my daughter arrived and she was only a week early so I guess not that bothered about being here for the event.

I’ve realised There’s nowt as queer as other people’s families !

It’s fine. She is visiting her father who is elderly so probably needs her support. And as above he may not be around for much longer. You don’t need her, and she can see her grandson when shes back.

Oh i don't expect her not to visit but she can be quite flexible re timing cos she works remotely.

She just is going around the time of the birth..

The title of your AIBU speaks volumes.

But to answer your question - everyone's circumstances are different. If she has an elderly father that she is close to and she is not close to you and your DH she might prefer to go where she is wanted and has a role to play. Do you think she feels that you would want her to be around or would even invite her to visit baby?

Erm...yeah it's fine and normal!

The baby will still be here when she gets back.

Given that neither you or DH are that keen on her it's not like she was going to heavily involved anyway is it?

What an odd thing to be questioning!

It’s totally normal for grandparents to keep going with their own lives / routine when a grandchild is due, unless they are asked otherwise. It’s not normal not to want to visit when it’s possible (when she returns). But it’s totally normal to only give the help you’re asked for. It’s not what EVERY grandparent does, of course, but definitely enough are like this for it be be considered normal.

She spends two months with her elderly father. That’s a pretty important commitment.

Due dates are guesses, it could easily be two weeks either side. She doesn’t have to be kept on hold for a month just in case. It’s not like she’d be looking after an older sibling for you or anything.
As your MIL, you are unlikely to want to see her the day you give birth, aren’t you?

She can fly back when the baby is born for a visit or she can see you all then she’s back.

Given your DH's distancing tactics, I imagine that she expects not to be welcomed to your home to see the baby for some time, so is going away to avoid what would be a painful situation.

We used to be v close. But her daughter was often yelling at us and she had an emnenshed relationship with her. We tried to meet her outside without her daughter but she didn't want that. But tbh given that a new baby is a milestone event, it does feel like she is not even giving us a chance to invite her. Like now she is going abroad at that time, I don't feel like I can involve her given her father is also important..
Though tbh her father is frail and elderly and lives much of the year on his own..I do appreciate her wanting to see him as much as possible though as he is so old.

I don't see the issue given when your relationship is like. You say she hasn't talk to you about it, but have you talked to her at all about wanting her about around the time of the birth?

Flip this round, she might feel really devastated that it's clear her son and you don't want her massively involved so perhaps it is emotionally easier to think 'well if I'm away I won't feel gap between myself and my child and grandchild so acutely'

Would you even want her to see the baby? It sounds as if you wouldn't.

She wouldn't fly back. Her father pays for her flights and she would feel it is unnecessarily expensive.

Maybe then is a good time for her to go. How much will you want her around l, given your relationship, when you first give birth? Maybe it’s sensible for her to give you a bit of space at first and then she can come and help with baby once you are all settled and you might want more visitors.

I have a v close relationship with all my GC but went away shortly before first GC was born

The norm on MN is usually not to visit a newborn straight away anyway

Then she sees you on her return and has a video call in the interim so she and the baby’s great grandfather can see him.

Which is fine.

Given that you're not close and DH is trying to distance himself, I'm not sure why you would want her around in the very early days of a newborn anyway - it doesn't sound as though you would enjoy having her stay at yours as an extra pair of hands? Regardless of what her other children are doing/whether she has other grandchildren, someone I describe myself as 'civil' with who my husband is actively trying to disengage with (presumably for a reason) isn't someone I'd be overly fussed to have around at an emotional busy time anyway, so I don't know why it matters so much to you.

Thats a really good point Moist. How nice for great grandad to be able to see the new baby on a call

MIL tend to be less closer to their sons in adult age
My own MIL was not very interested in my pregnancy and were on a 2 month trip when my child was born. They didn’t rush to come home, they came and saw us in their own time. About a month after the baby was born I think.
Given your husband already has issues with her, I’d say this isn’t unusual behaviour

Sorry to be dim are you saying your DH has had a vacetomy while you are pregnant?

You've just said your DH is trying to distance himself from her. So why on earth do either of you care what she gets up to? Are you close to your own family? Will they be visiting immediately after the baby arrives?

She probably knows neither of you want her around and maybe she wants to go away over the due date so she's not sat at home alone picturing you two (and possibly your family?) all cuddling the new baby and having a lovely time.

If you wanted to be nice you could say hi MIL hope you have a good trip and enjoying seeing your dad. Obviously we'll keep you posted on any news and would love you to meet little one when you're back.

Somehow I get the feeling neither of you will do that.