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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal for most grandmothers to leave the country during the expected birth of their grandsom

103 replies

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 09:22

I am not especially bothered as dh is trying to distance himself (long story and it wasn't an easy decision). But am on civil terms even if we don't meet often and she knows my due date.

She is going abroad for the summer to visit her elderly father, she usually stays 1 to 2 months.

I am just wondering if its normal to show this level of interest. I mean yes she and dh have their issues and I fully support dh prioritising his mental health but does that usually extend to a baby as well? It's not like she asked me or spoke to me re this..

OP posts:
Silverfoxlady · 08/05/2025 15:13

I would count my blessings - I didn’t want anyone to come over when I had a newborn, it was too stressful and I was a mess.

Fadesto · 08/05/2025 15:20

Dh doesn’t want to see her. Why would she assume you want her around you and the baby right after you give birth. You should be happy not to have to deal with the family drama whilst you’re pp.
You either want to distance yourselves or you don’t. You can’t have both.

LowDownBoyStandUpGuy · 08/05/2025 15:33

MIL’s can’t win can they, they aren’t allowed to be excited but also not allowed to show lack of enthusiasm, not allowed to visit new borns but not allowed to go away near the due date.

I often think in situations like this the OP will miss the opportunity to withhold access to the baby if the MIL isn't actually around.

I don’t have the best relationship with my MIL (literally nothing I do can ever be right in her eyes) but I couldn’t get worked up about her going to visit an elderly relative near my due date.

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:34

ThisOpenMauveLurker · 08/05/2025 14:56

What is happening with the 27yo while MIL goes to visit her father? Their situation doesn’t sound particularly safe or durable.

27 year old goes with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:36

BobbyBiscuits · 08/05/2025 13:29

Assuming I had a normal and close relationship with my own mum then I'd be pretty devastated if they weren't there for me. As for my MIL it wouldn't concern me at all what her movements were during my pregnancy or birth.
I'd hope she'd send warm regards and check in that me and baby were well, but I wouldn't need her to physically be there.

My parents never come to the uk and she kinda knows that tbh. They have a lot of money and that's the way they are. Been like that for 10 years and I have long accepted that. It's their first grandchild too.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 08/05/2025 16:41

Not sure why you think she has to remain in the country because you’re giving birth. 🤷‍♀️

BobbyBiscuits · 08/05/2025 16:41

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:36

My parents never come to the uk and she kinda knows that tbh. They have a lot of money and that's the way they are. Been like that for 10 years and I have long accepted that. It's their first grandchild too.

Show quote history

That sounds like she's very uncaring if she knows your own mum isn't physically going to be there. But I guess it would be worse if you had a really close relationship with her and then she suddenly decided to refuse to help or see the baby? So it's kind of no surprises with her.

I hope your husband and other family are there for you? And you can join some new mum groups to get some support?

PhilippaGeorgiou · 08/05/2025 16:44

You don't meet often, and the best you can say about the relationship is that it is civil. I get the issues with the SIL, and why your husband may distance himself from the drama / issues. But I don't see that you ought to have any expectation that a civil relationship when you occasionally see her is going to translate into caring that much about the birth of a grandchild. It not as though the child will be in her life much, and that is as much your choice as hers, however understandable both sides reasons may be.

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:45

Pigsears · 08/05/2025 15:01

I'm fixated on the vasectomy. Baby isn't even born yet.

The MIL thing.. meh. She probably gets a negative vibe from you so doesn't feel the need to change her annual trip to see her dad.

It was the best thing for dh's mental health tbh. He is going through therapy and we have a lot of inherited conditions in the family. His employer thankfully pays his private health insurance which covered around 30k of claims. However doesn't cover prescription charges of around 700 quid a month and he is on nhs waiting list (3 years long). Honestly if we have more than 1, not sure how we can pay for healthcare for more than 1 child.

To be frank the distancing is on the advice of his therapist. Tbh early on in my pregnancy, dh was struggling emotionally and I did contact my MIL for support. She ignored my messages for several days before replying. Once dh ended up in A & E and I thought of calling her but realized she probably wouldn't pick up. We realized when dh first got sick that the old nhs records showed that his mum didn't take him to the doctor as a child when he had epileptic fits and he was covered in flea bites - doctor's letters from the 90s were quite detailed. Dh also thought she didn't know when his father beat him but realized she must have while he was going through trauma therapy.

Dh feels he needs to process all that in therapy before engaging. We can't change what happened in the past but i guess a new grandchild is a new start.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2025 16:45

Sounds fine to me. She doesn't know how long her frail and elderly father is going to be around. Or perhaps she DOES know something you don't.

The new grandson will still be around when she gets back. Smile

PansyPottering · 08/05/2025 16:56

Well, you don’t sound like a close family but even if you are I think it is normal for a woman to carry on with her own life even though her son’s wife is having a baby.

Rewis · 08/05/2025 16:56

I'm assuming you don't want her in the delivery room, and I'm also assuming she's not wanted to be in your house to take care of you. So her being away for 2 months means she's missed seeing the child for a few hours on a few days.

In my experience, the grandparents visit the hospital or home when the child has been born, and then the frequency of visits depends on the relationship. I wouldn't expect my due date to affect anyone else expect my husbands plans.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 08/05/2025 16:58

ffs your dh had a traumatic upbringing of which your mil was responsible and you are fussy over her being in your lives… don’t, cease this ridiculous idea, support your dh and keep your own family at a safe distance.

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:59

BobbyBiscuits · 08/05/2025 16:41

That sounds like she's very uncaring if she knows your own mum isn't physically going to be there. But I guess it would be worse if you had a really close relationship with her and then she suddenly decided to refuse to help or see the baby? So it's kind of no surprises with her.

I hope your husband and other family are there for you? And you can join some new mum groups to get some support?

Show quote history

That's the thing. We used to be close. We used to live together (mainly cos dh & i eloped, i was waiting on a visa and that took a year, it took us another year to settle in graduate roles, and a year to buy a flat in the London market). We used to see each other every week.
Dh's relationship with his mum is complicated, they were also close but the relationship is also draining for dh and he is struggling with his mental health. She knows that. I didn't want to get in too much about their relationship because in a way our relationship has always been separate. I would message her even when dh refused to message her though I couldn't see her. To be perfectly fair, I did offer to see her once but she said we should both come at a time when it was more convenient (as dh wouldn't be there).

So I guess I thought me and the grandson are separate from dh cos frankly we are not conjoined to dh.

OP posts:
Ratisshortforratthew · 08/05/2025 17:06

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:45

It was the best thing for dh's mental health tbh. He is going through therapy and we have a lot of inherited conditions in the family. His employer thankfully pays his private health insurance which covered around 30k of claims. However doesn't cover prescription charges of around 700 quid a month and he is on nhs waiting list (3 years long). Honestly if we have more than 1, not sure how we can pay for healthcare for more than 1 child.

To be frank the distancing is on the advice of his therapist. Tbh early on in my pregnancy, dh was struggling emotionally and I did contact my MIL for support. She ignored my messages for several days before replying. Once dh ended up in A & E and I thought of calling her but realized she probably wouldn't pick up. We realized when dh first got sick that the old nhs records showed that his mum didn't take him to the doctor as a child when he had epileptic fits and he was covered in flea bites - doctor's letters from the 90s were quite detailed. Dh also thought she didn't know when his father beat him but realized she must have while he was going through trauma therapy.

Dh feels he needs to process all that in therapy before engaging. We can't change what happened in the past but i guess a new grandchild is a new start.

Show quote history

Good grief. His mother neglected him and turned a blind eye to his father’s abuse and rather than supporting him in distancing himself/cutting her off, your concern is that she won’t be in the vicinity for the birth? Why would you even want this woman around your child, doesn’t sound like she has a good track record of caring for children. Your priorities are WAY off.

Ratisshortforratthew · 08/05/2025 17:07

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:59

That's the thing. We used to be close. We used to live together (mainly cos dh & i eloped, i was waiting on a visa and that took a year, it took us another year to settle in graduate roles, and a year to buy a flat in the London market). We used to see each other every week.
Dh's relationship with his mum is complicated, they were also close but the relationship is also draining for dh and he is struggling with his mental health. She knows that. I didn't want to get in too much about their relationship because in a way our relationship has always been separate. I would message her even when dh refused to message her though I couldn't see her. To be perfectly fair, I did offer to see her once but she said we should both come at a time when it was more convenient (as dh wouldn't be there).

So I guess I thought me and the grandson are separate from dh cos frankly we are not conjoined to dh.

Show quote history

If my partner took it upon themselves to cultivate a close relationship with my abusive parent I’d be furious. You should be supporting your DH.

Deadringer · 08/05/2025 17:07

My mil was a very loving hands on grandmother to our dc (they are her only grandchildren) and she booked a holiday for when my youngest was due. Not a big deal.

PurpleThistle7 · 08/05/2025 17:15

Well that took a turn!

I can’t believe you want her around and want to disregard your husband’s wishes here. There is no independent relationship with a partner’s abusive parent. That’s really wrong.

Coconutter24 · 08/05/2025 17:22

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 16:36

My parents never come to the uk and she kinda knows that tbh. They have a lot of money and that's the way they are. Been like that for 10 years and I have long accepted that. It's their first grandchild too.

Show quote history

So why is ok for your parents to not be there but your questioning if it’s normal that your MIL isn’t there?

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 17:25

Ratisshortforratthew · 08/05/2025 17:07

If my partner took it upon themselves to cultivate a close relationship with my abusive parent I’d be furious. You should be supporting your DH.

Show quote history

Dh isn't against her having contact with the child. He just said he is unsurprised. Tbh we are low contact not no contact. We saw her on Sunday.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForACat · 08/05/2025 17:28

I’m currently in Lanzarote on a holiday we brought forward a month so as not to be away for the birth of first grandchild. Each to their own I suppose

Swiftie1878 · 08/05/2025 17:33

Maybe she’s just worried that when the baby arrives your DH will make access difficult and it’s too painful for her to contemplate.
Perhaps she’s chosen those dates to remove any risk of you hurting or upsetting her.

Minnie798 · 08/05/2025 17:38

Given the relationship dynamics (as you have described), it seems normal for mil to have made plans without considering your
due date.

treesandsun · 08/05/2025 17:54

If you want her to be around - tell her - and see what she says about why the trip is planned for this time. If you are not bothered, why are you wondering - it does not sound like she has a good, healthy relationship with her son so why would you want her around your child? Unless the dynamic with the daughter who lives with her changes, which seems highly unlikely at this stage - she is not going to be much use.

Gazelda · 08/05/2025 17:54

I don't think you can apply what's 'normal' to your situation.

It may be that she is trying to avoid you and/or her DS feeling pressured into including her in the newborn stage.

It may be that her DD can only travel on that date or the grandfather has particular reason for the visit being at that time.

I think you should respect your DH's boundaries, not feel miffed that she isn't wanting to step over them.

Having said that, you seem quite isolated. Do you have a friendship group you can rely on in the early stages of being a new mum? It can be daunting and overwhelming and it would be good if you have people you care about and trust close by. Can you let your midwife know about how distant you are from your own and your DH's family? Your DH's mental health isn't strong at present, I wouldn't want you to be dealing with so much emotion on your own.