Is it normal for most grandmothers to leave the country during the expected birth of their grandsom

[Summer2025]

I am not especially bothered as dh is trying to distance himself (long story and it wasn't an easy decision). But am on civil terms even if we don't meet often and she knows my due date.

She is going abroad for the summer to visit her elderly father, she usually stays 1 to 2 months.

I am just wondering if its normal to show this level of interest. I mean yes she and dh have their issues and I fully support dh prioritising his mental health but does that usually extend to a baby as well? It's not like she asked me or spoke to me re this..

Your DH is trying to distance himself? Maybe she's just reading the room.

If her father pays for the flights, maybe he’s dictating the time of visit.

How has she been during the pregnancy? Supportive? Excited? Etc or disengaged?

Your DH wants distance from his MIL, it appears she knows this.

You, however , would like her to hang around for the birth of her grandchild, on the off chance that she gets invited to share some of your joy?

Surely you can see how unreasonable your logic is?

I was booked for a holiday when my fist dgs was born. Holiday booked a year ahead. I got back from holiday when dgs was 1 week old and went straight down to help DD for a few days and to meet dgs.

Yes tbh we talked about it for years before that we would stop at 1. I actually was seriously considering a tubal ligation during a planned c section as I never wanted to go through pregnancy again. I am glad we got pregnant as it took 10 years to get pregnant, I literally have never been on contraception really (though I have never got on with it).

Dh managed to get a vasectomy before that and we got a slot in Oxford. Alternative in London would be to wait a year.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to put their life on hold because I’m having a baby.

Tbh way before this, I told her we never used contraceptive for 10 years and I still wasn't pregnant hence seeking fertility treatment on the nhs. She told me I was very lucky. Meh maybe she just doesn't like kids?

When you say she is going away around the time of the birth, is the baby slap bang due in the middle or towards the end of the trip?

Well, obviously it’s not normal to go, but it’s also not particularly normal for them to choose not to go on a regular visit to an elderly parent overseas. Unless you actually wanted your MIL as your birth partner, I think this is a non-issue.

Exactly this! Why does your MIL need to be there when you give birth OP? Assuming she's not agreed to be your birth partner? Seriously, get over yourself.

Maybe she just isn’t bothered about your baby. Not everyone finds other people’s kids interesting or important, even grandparents. Especially as you say you’re distancing yourselves, why would she do any different?

At the start of the trip.

Tbh I only really started thinking about it cos my SIL's fiancee was planning to fly her to his country (sil is living there) as a surprise around the time of the due date as its SIL's birthday. I asked about it and he said oh yeah its around the time of the birth, not sure it's appropriate.

But then now I find out she is going abroad anyway.. tbh sil's fiancee surprise still may work, she just has to take a train there if she is already in Europe.

She's visiting her frail df for a couple of weeks. She'll be back after that and can see the baby once you're settled at home, into a routine and getting back on form.

You aren't close, you don't need her to babysit a toddler or be your birth partner. I don't see the issue.

Just read an earlier post properly, so editing. You hadn’t asked her to have any kind of role in the birth or early weeks, so maybe she thinks she’s not wanted or needed.

Well she did ask me to go to the Netherlands to give birth when her daughter's wedding was scheduled in August and use my ehic card so it's not like she hasn't tried in the past to be kinda more involved in the birth and it's logistics.

Maybe you should have planned the conception better to ensure birth would be while she wasn’t abroad. I’m joking, to illustrate that it’s equally unreasonable to expect her to plan her life around the arrival of your baby.

It doesn't sound like your DH would want her around and she probably knows this. Her DF is elderly and may not be around for much longer. How involved would you like her to be with the new baby and have you communicated this to her?

She’s not been asked to help in any tangible way but you think she should hang around and be available just in case you and your DH decide to invite her to meet the baby?
I’m not saying your DH is wrong to distance himself from her, I don’t know the history of their relationship, but if he’s only going to phone her surely it doesn’t matter where she is?
Is this some sort of weird test for her to “ prove “ that she cares and accepts whatever contact her son offers?
I think I would take myself away, if it were me, to avoid the hurt of not being welcome, again it could be justified but it’s still gonna hurt.

In all honesty a first baby is a milestone event for you and DH. No one else. Wait till you get to the third baby. You’ll get it.

Your Mother In Law asked you to fly to the Netherlands to give birth because that's where she would be around that time, but now she's going to be in the USA instead?

There's more going on here than I'm qualified to pass further comment on.

No she will be in another European country where her father lives..Her daughter lives in netherlands and is getting married there, was told it would be by august but keeps getting pushed back so sister in the usa can make it. Sister in the usa is waiting on a green card but to my knowledge is still waiting on it now.

I told her I wasn't sure I could be in the wedding as would clash with due date and even if a bit later, baby can't get passport.

She told me I should just give birth in the netherlands as I can get a ghic card. She said this in January

Sounds like massive backstory relationship issues here.

Im not sure we can take an isolated incident and say “ bu” or “ nbu.”

I get a bit depressed by all these MIL/DIL tussles on MN.

DH is trying to distance himself. That says it all. She probably thinks you will not want her around and she may be snubbed if offering help. Don't understand why you expect her to drop her commitments when this is the background.

This whole thread reads a little odd to be honest, the vasectomy bit in particular. If you're trying to distance yourself then why would you be surprised that your MiL has realised she is not wanted.

So she’s actually going abroad for her daughters wedding, not to avoid your birth, and this wedding just happens to coincide with the birth?