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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it normal for most grandmothers to leave the country during the expected birth of their grandsom

103 replies

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 09:22

I am not especially bothered as dh is trying to distance himself (long story and it wasn't an easy decision). But am on civil terms even if we don't meet often and she knows my due date.

She is going abroad for the summer to visit her elderly father, she usually stays 1 to 2 months.

I am just wondering if its normal to show this level of interest. I mean yes she and dh have their issues and I fully support dh prioritising his mental health but does that usually extend to a baby as well? It's not like she asked me or spoke to me re this..

OP posts:
Birch101 · 08/05/2025 10:35

Honestly my first thought was she might feel that she won't be welcome much if at all with the distance between you and the common vibe that women will want to be closer to their own family during the 4th trimester, so maybe in her head this big moment will be experienced without her and she wants to be with someone who wants to see her/ spend time with her

I have no idea about her personality or yours but was my take on the situation, maybe another way to look at it, I think I get on well with my inlaws but during those first few months we only saw them a couple of days (messaged and sent photos)

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/05/2025 10:37

Why should have planned the pregnancy, delivery around her yearly trip.

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 10:42

Gundogday · 08/05/2025 10:33

So she’s actually going abroad for her daughters wedding, not to avoid your birth, and this wedding just happens to coincide with the birth?

No she is going to visit her father. Daughters wedding isn't fixed at all. It may be in October but who knows?!

OP posts:
Sashya · 08/05/2025 10:59

OP - just out of curiosity - why are you referring to your H's grandfather as "Her" father. And your H's sister as "Her" daughter.... These are your H's relatives, but you make it sound like those are strangers....

Otherwise, I know you are pregnant with your one and only child, and to you this is the most important event in the world and certainly the main milestone in your life. But you seem to also expect it to be the only thing that matters to everybody in the extended family - even while talking about all of them in a very distant and dismissive way. Your MIL's relationships with her grown daughters are hers to define, and I don't think it's up to you to judge how "enmeshed" she is in their lives. Does your H somehow not get along with his sisters?

TBH, you sound very precious and princessy about yourself and your future child. Personally, in this instance - I think that the elderly grandfather certainly takes priority, especially if these visits are the regular occurrence. Old people live by routines, and being frail also makes it even more important that his daughter comes as per usual. Your child will have a long time to meet their grandma and will not remember if she were there in the first few weeks of their life.

In general - I do not know what you think happens when baby is born. I doubt it that you wanted MIL to be at the birth to support you. And the first several weeks after the births - many mothers prefer to be huddled in with their baby to all settle into the new life and new routine.

So, by the time MIL is back - you'll be through the post-birth period and will start having visitors, etc. This does not need to cause drama of the type you seem to be stirring.

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 11:00

A baby is not an event but something you chose to have there is no right or wrong in what she is doing you are not in control of her

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 11:07

Sashya · 08/05/2025 10:59

OP - just out of curiosity - why are you referring to your H's grandfather as "Her" father. And your H's sister as "Her" daughter.... These are your H's relatives, but you make it sound like those are strangers....

Otherwise, I know you are pregnant with your one and only child, and to you this is the most important event in the world and certainly the main milestone in your life. But you seem to also expect it to be the only thing that matters to everybody in the extended family - even while talking about all of them in a very distant and dismissive way. Your MIL's relationships with her grown daughters are hers to define, and I don't think it's up to you to judge how "enmeshed" she is in their lives. Does your H somehow not get along with his sisters?

TBH, you sound very precious and princessy about yourself and your future child. Personally, in this instance - I think that the elderly grandfather certainly takes priority, especially if these visits are the regular occurrence. Old people live by routines, and being frail also makes it even more important that his daughter comes as per usual. Your child will have a long time to meet their grandma and will not remember if she were there in the first few weeks of their life.

In general - I do not know what you think happens when baby is born. I doubt it that you wanted MIL to be at the birth to support you. And the first several weeks after the births - many mothers prefer to be huddled in with their baby to all settle into the new life and new routine.

So, by the time MIL is back - you'll be through the post-birth period and will start having visitors, etc. This does not need to cause drama of the type you seem to be stirring.

The only reason I said she and her daughter are enmeshed is because the 27 year old sleeps in her bed, doesn't go anywhere without her, has no friends or relationships outside family. That is unfortunately MIL's issue to sort as she refuses to get daughter any help.

But is also why it is difficult to have any contact that MIL if that sil is quite verbally abusive towards us. She can't really have any relationships outside her mother.

I do take the point that perhaps MIL has too much going on in her life with the father to look after and the 27 year old literally in her bed and the 27 year old also literally drilling holes in her walls (plus throwing away the other sibling's belongings as they have left). She has a lot of issues so perhaps while it was draining for me and dh to be around SIL, MIL has way bigger issues to sort out than our baby and so its wrong to expect her to be there when she has so many issues.

OP posts:
Stressmode · 08/05/2025 11:59

UABVU unless she has agreed to support you during the birth, or care for a dependent family member in place of you whilst you give birth.

There is pretty much a month… two weeks either side of your due date when the baby could arrive. It is unrealistic for anyone other than your partner to put their life on hold during this time

GlutesthatSalute · 08/05/2025 12:02

I think she sounds very kind.

I hated all the extended family butting in when I was exhausted, had the baby blues, couldn't clean the house and was trying to learn to breastfeed.

Searchingforthelight · 08/05/2025 12:12

Seeline · 08/05/2025 09:26

So this is your MIL?

If she visits her elderly father every year at this time, I'm not sure why she would change that this year just because you're having a baby.
Her DF may not be around for much longer. Your baby she will be able to see when she gets back, as often as she wants.

She can't visit grandchild as often as she wants

She can visit when the child's parents want

Sashya · 08/05/2025 12:19

Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 11:07

The only reason I said she and her daughter are enmeshed is because the 27 year old sleeps in her bed, doesn't go anywhere without her, has no friends or relationships outside family. That is unfortunately MIL's issue to sort as she refuses to get daughter any help.

But is also why it is difficult to have any contact that MIL if that sil is quite verbally abusive towards us. She can't really have any relationships outside her mother.

I do take the point that perhaps MIL has too much going on in her life with the father to look after and the 27 year old literally in her bed and the 27 year old also literally drilling holes in her walls (plus throwing away the other sibling's belongings as they have left). She has a lot of issues so perhaps while it was draining for me and dh to be around SIL, MIL has way bigger issues to sort out than our baby and so its wrong to expect her to be there when she has so many issues.

Edited
Show quote history

By the sound of it - your poor MIL is dealing with a really challenging situation with your SIL, who has MH issues?

And - as any parent of a child with MH issues will tell you that unless the grown up child wants help, your MIL can't really force her to therapy or on medication. But as a parent - you can't really abandon said "child".
So - I really feel for your poor MIL - with both her father and her grown child needing care from her.

Your H seems to be resenting his mother for being in a tough place and not prioritising him and the new baby. But - why aren't your H and his other siblings trying to help their poor mother instead????

Original poster
Summer2025 · 08/05/2025 12:24

Sashya · 08/05/2025 12:19

By the sound of it - your poor MIL is dealing with a really challenging situation with your SIL, who has MH issues?

And - as any parent of a child with MH issues will tell you that unless the grown up child wants help, your MIL can't really force her to therapy or on medication. But as a parent - you can't really abandon said "child".
So - I really feel for your poor MIL - with both her father and her grown child needing care from her.

Your H seems to be resenting his mother for being in a tough place and not prioritising him and the new baby. But - why aren't your H and his other siblings trying to help their poor mother instead????

Show quote history

We did for years but ultimately it got too much. MIL also insists she is doing extremely well and there is no need for any help. She also wants that daughter to be her carer in later life so I guess she thinks it's good if she is able to stay at home long term. I once asked how that was going to work and she said that daughter has no choice.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 08/05/2025 12:24

It sounds like she's exhausted and being pulled in 100 directions at once. So no, I don't think in this 'specific situation' it's strange to be away. To be honest I didn't want my MIL anywhere near me for a good few weeks anyway so she might have genuinely thought she was being kind in going away for a bit and then coming back when you were more ready to host her and she could be a bit more involved. The early stages are a lot of really personal things that she might not feel like its her place to be around for anyway given all the drama.

I'd give her some grace on this personally as it sounds like the whole thing is exhausting for everyone. Given her situation with her daughter (and caring for an elderly parent abroad), she won't have much space to be a regular source of help anyway. Please do be kind to her when she can figure out a way to visit or be involved though, I'd guess she really wants to.

lazycats · 08/05/2025 12:26

It’s but ‘normal’ but then it’s not ‘normal’ for a grown up son to want to distance himself from his mother, so 🤷‍♂️

blackgreenandgrey · 08/05/2025 12:28

is it an issue that she is leaving around the time of the birth? If so, have you told her so and what was her response? If she has an elderly dad abroad who needs her, why does the arrival of a grandchild 'top' that esp given that your DH and MIL don't seem to have the best relationship.

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 08/05/2025 12:36

Why does your MIL need to be there when you give birth OP?
Apologies if I missed it but you haven’t really answered.
From your posts you are not close with her so I imagine you won’t want here there on a daily basis - but then why would she organise her holidays around the date?

Dweetfidilove · 08/05/2025 12:39

Why on earth would anyone prioritise meeting the baby of the person distancing themselves from them, over a person who'll happily welcome them for up to 2 months?

Whatever has caused the shift in the relationship, she can't be expected to just hang around hoping you'll want her around when the baby arrives.

BobbyBiscuits · 08/05/2025 13:29

Assuming I had a normal and close relationship with my own mum then I'd be pretty devastated if they weren't there for me. As for my MIL it wouldn't concern me at all what her movements were during my pregnancy or birth.
I'd hope she'd send warm regards and check in that me and baby were well, but I wouldn't need her to physically be there.

outerspacepotato · 08/05/2025 13:43

Your baby will have its parents to take care of it. You've fallen out a bit with her due to your SIL's yelling at you and are keeping your distance.

Her dad is frail and elderly and she might not have many more summers with him. She might be helping with and arranging support care.

Her father has needs that you don't, plus you've distanced yourselves from her. Her choice is not at all unreasonable but your expectations that she stick around for the birth when you guys have distanced yourselves are unreasonable.

FarmGirl78 · 08/05/2025 14:21

Unless you have a baby made of a sugar so he dissolves when you give him his first bath the baby will still be here when MIL gets back.

Nottodaty · 08/05/2025 14:32

I don’t live near in laws or my mum. Due to a complication and high risk pregnancy my Mum did support me on the day - she went home to give us the space once baby born. she was there just to support me and to cover any medical questions.

My Mum is a great believer of just the parents once baby is born - just the way she is. Both in-laws and my Mum visited my sister a few days later. My other sister is due her first and can’t believe our Mum isn’t going to stay for 2 weeks after.

People just have different approaches and it sounds like other things causing issues in your case.

Inmydreams88 · 08/05/2025 14:46

It all sounds very strange to be honest. Given your trying to distance yourself from her then I suppose it shouldn’t really matter to you if she’s not there for the birth. I assume you both wouldn’t want her there anyway.

AnonWho23 · 08/05/2025 14:49

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. She could want to be present at the birth 😆 🤣

drspouse · 08/05/2025 14:52

Our DCs are adopted but surely any family member will wait till they are invited, and the new parents feel ready to introduce their baby DCs to others? Why does that have to be within a week or two?
Unless the GP lives round the corner, usually babysits the older GCs, and is often in the house helping out - and you were assuming that would carry on as normal during the birth.

ThisOpenMauveLurker · 08/05/2025 14:56

What is happening with the 27yo while MIL goes to visit her father? Their situation doesn’t sound particularly safe or durable.

Pigsears · 08/05/2025 15:01

I'm fixated on the vasectomy. Baby isn't even born yet.

The MIL thing.. meh. She probably gets a negative vibe from you so doesn't feel the need to change her annual trip to see her dad.