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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my boyfriend help out when he stays over

89 replies

Saira90 · 08/05/2025 06:59

My boyfriend stays at mine 2/3 nights a week usually. I cook and we often get a takeaway on a weekend. I’m starting to get annoyed that he never offers to wash up even when it’s the takeaway night.

I think last night has been the final straw, he came round but we agreed he wouldn’t stay over as he is up really early for work today. I cooked, and he basically said ‘you sort that (washing up) out and I’ll be waiting for you in there (bedroom)’.

When I walked in he was led naked playing with himself. We would usually be intimate after dinner but this was so off putting.

Does this improve with some stern words in your experience?

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 08/05/2025 07:01

What does he add to your life?

ScrewedByFunding · 08/05/2025 07:01

Well that would have been the time to say something, why didn't you?

Zanatdy · 08/05/2025 07:02

Grim. Have you spoken to him about it? Why didn’t he wash up and you wait in the bedroom? Yes it’s rude.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 08/05/2025 07:02

How old are you both? Would be much clearer in my expectations: I cook, you wash up. If he’s 17 give him a chance to shape up (but only one). Otherwise throw him back. This is not a good one.

Purpleturtle43 · 08/05/2025 07:02

That would really put me off too. If you are making dinner for him the least he could do is the washing up. Let me guess, he still lives with his parents?

His attitude doesn't bode well for the future. Who pays for the food/take aways?

Purpleturtle43 · 08/05/2025 07:03

BunsenBurnerBaby · 08/05/2025 07:02

How old are you both? Would be much clearer in my expectations: I cook, you wash up. If he’s 17 give him a chance to shape up (but only one). Otherwise throw him back. This is not a good one.

Even my 13 year old would know to offer to wash up if someone had cooked dinner!

Dreco · 08/05/2025 07:04

Next time he comes over you ask “are you cooking or doing the washing up?”

don’t put up with this as it’s simply telling him that you’re willing to be a skivvy

anytipswelcome · 08/05/2025 07:05

Did you still shag him after that?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/05/2025 07:06

Nah throw him back OP, he should be on his best behaviour but hes shown you he is a lazy sod.

LillyPJ · 08/05/2025 07:07

You say you're starting to get annoyed. Tell him what you expect from him. He won't work it out if you feel annoyed but don't say. Many men are bad at working things out like that. Just be straight - 'You wash up. It's my turn to relax.' Then leave him to it.

CharSiu · 08/05/2025 07:08

The fact he needs telling. I wouldn’t have put up with it at all, best behaviour at first as well, Possibly dragged up.

My DS cooks for his GF a lot or if she does he cleans up. That’s how he has been raised.

randomchap · 08/05/2025 07:10

So you were doing the washing up while he prepared himself for sex?

What a gentleman

He doesn't sound particularly mature, or even nice

ZenNudist · 08/05/2025 07:11

Jeez. Get rid.

Original poster
Saira90 · 08/05/2025 07:13

Purpleturtle43 · 08/05/2025 07:02

That would really put me off too. If you are making dinner for him the least he could do is the washing up. Let me guess, he still lives with his parents?

His attitude doesn't bode well for the future. Who pays for the food/take aways?

Yes he does. I pay for the food I cook and he usually pays for the takeaway.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 08/05/2025 07:14

You shopped it, you paid it, you cooked it, you cleaned up after it, and you laid for it.

And I bet he never even brought as much as a bunch of daffs with him. Or even gave you an orgasm.

Am I right?

SilverButton · 08/05/2025 07:15

Of course YANBU! He should be helping with the cooking or the washing up. Does he pay for his share of the groceries on the nights that you cook?

Doingmybest12 · 08/05/2025 07:18

If you want a relationship with this man ,be clear about expectations and stick to them. Some young men really do believe that woman want to do all the domesticity and he should be swiftly told what you want in a relationship.

babasaclover · 08/05/2025 07:20

Omg talk about way to make your fanny clamp shut. He expects you to cook clean then suck his dick when you’re finished? Please tell me you don’t shag him

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2025 07:21

Yanbu. When I was dating my husband I was in a shared house and when I cooked he washed up, washed my housemates stuff up (as was aware that having an extra person stay over in a house that's already busy can be an inconvenience) and took the bins out. Without asking. It showed me that he was considerate and fair.

I can't believe he actually told you to sort it out as well, so he dies know it needs doing (it's not just something he forgot in the heat of the moment)

Sunbline · 08/05/2025 07:24

This sounds so unappealing, of course he should be helping even though it's your house. My now DH bought me a vase the first time he came around and he made sure to bring fresh flowers every time he came over to keep it filled up- he also would cook, help clean (usually insist on doing it but I never minded helping). Just because it's your house, it doesn't mean he shouldn't do anything, this is a glimpse into how he would be if you lived together; lazy and taking you for granted.

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 07:24

Please list his good points, I will be back in 1 second

do honestly think this is ok and you stay with him? really?

Frumpyandfrustrated · 08/05/2025 07:24

Dump him. If he can't see anything wrong with this you will spend a lifetime being his maid. Don't negotiate and ask him to help, he will for a time but it will slip and you will have to complain again and again. It will be miserable. Dump him now and move on.

Longtoe · 08/05/2025 07:25

What happens when you stay at his?

diddl · 08/05/2025 07:27

‘you sort that (washing up) out and I’ll be waiting for you in there (bedroom)’.

Well that was the time to tell him that no that wasn't happening!

I mean do you want to try to "improve" things?

Common decency would dictate that he offered to wash up after you've cooked.

Has he no manners?

NotjustCo2 · 08/05/2025 07:28

Is this the life you want?

Yes- carry on
No - that will require action

  • you speak to him and tell him to step up and share responsibilities
  • you tell him why and finish it.
You can go step 1 and 2, but unless you act now, this is it, he either doesn’t think in this way, or he doesn’t care. At the moment you are showing him that you don’t care either.