Should my boyfriend help out when he stays over

[Saira90]

My boyfriend stays at mine 2/3 nights a week usually. I cook and we often get a takeaway on a weekend. I’m starting to get annoyed that he never offers to wash up even when it’s the takeaway night.

I think last night has been the final straw, he came round but we agreed he wouldn’t stay over as he is up really early for work today. I cooked, and he basically said ‘you sort that (washing up) out and I’ll be waiting for you in there (bedroom)’.

When I walked in he was led naked playing with himself. We would usually be intimate after dinner but this was so off putting.

Does this improve with some stern words in your experience?

Dump him unless you’re prepared to take over mothering him from his bio mum.

Why have you not said anything to him? Surely you could have said no it's your turn to wash up, I've cooked you a meal? Did you have sex with him after he'd ordered you to wash up? 🙄

Thanks for the honesty, I know deep down it’s not right..

I just felt so dirty, as soon as I’d ‘seen’ to him he leapt up and said he had to leave as it was getting late. I wasn’t in the mood for anything but didn’t even get a cuddle 😞

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Id end this only person he cares about helping out is himself .
“you sort the dishes” I will be in there for my sex on tap . Fuck of would have been my reply to that .

And his good points are???

Oh dear. Learn from this

He is vile. I wouldn't give him a chance to improve. Truly, get out now while it's still early days!

How long have you been with him?

You don’t have…. Children do you Op?

Some mumsnetters seem to have the philosophy is “any man is better than no man”

Argh!

I dated a man like this and let it go on far too long. He would rock up, I’d cook, clean etc… then he’d scoot off to bed whilst I was downstairs sorting things and tidying up. In the morning I’d wake up and make him a coffee and bring it upto him. All while he was lying there entertaining himself and expecting me to join in.

In hindsight he added nothing to my life, it extended so much more to the lack of help when he was essentially living in my house half of the week, but this should have been my first sign to run.

he’s shown you who he is, heaven forbid you go on to marry him or have children, it’ll never improve.

This is unacceptable and selfish. He’s an adult. Personally I’d end it - he’ll only get worse if you live together or have kids. It’s basic decency and courtesy. If you decide to stay please be don’t let anything slide in terms of his behaviour because if he carries on like this when you’ve had kids the resentment will kill your relationship.

From the way he’s behaving, I’d assume he’s a teenager and you’re his first ever relationship.

But sadly, I bet the truth is, he’s a grown man who is a complete misogynist and believes it’s your job as a woman to cook, clean and service him 🙄

Honestly, just dump him.

No doubt he’ll soon by online maoning about the “lonely man epidemic” accepting zero responsibility for the reason why no one wants to be with him 🤷‍♀️

Grim. He's not enhancing your life, he's using you for his own needs.

Are you both very young? Set expectations. If he doesn't improve, throw him back. You deserve better.

Oh stop it now. I dumped a bloke who didn't wash up after I cooked twice I a row and then he tried to cook putting pasta in cold water.

I didn't want to go out with a child so quickly moved on.

What a turn off. Reminds me of that horrible saying about women in the kitchen, etc.

When my two DS were teenagers, we had an arrangement that one of us cooked, one washed up, one dried up and put away. Actually, that was probably from age 10 or so. I wanted them to learn how ro cook and be self sufficient. If I go for a meal at a friend's house, I always take something and help clear up after.

You've got to either nip this is the bud and be more vocal or just chuck him back because, in honesty, you shouldn't have to point it out.

If I'm a guest at someone's house for anything more than just dinner then I will be doing something to help out. At that point you are part of a household (for now) and so everyone chips in. Even at dinner you take plates to the kitchen or whatever.

You are spending 2/3 nights a week together so way past the point of guest to be waited on hand and foot. This suggests he'll be a lazy sod if you move in together expecting you to be the housekeeper.

He’s using you. He’s having a lovely time - a lovely meal, sex, gets up and leaves.
It is appalling. No thought for you at all.
He is lying in bed in your home masturbating while you are doing the dishes.
Please raise your standards and your respect for yourself. This man has no respect for you or your home.
You had sex with him when you clearly didn’t want to.
Edited to add: doesn’t he ever take you out anywhere?

So he visits for food & sex (not even mutual?)?

Don't let yourself be used like this Op.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to to make a man happy.

Wait, you actually ‘saw to him’ after that? Why? You clearly didn’t want to.

What have I just read?

He’s done a right number on you. You shop, cook, wash up and then wank him/shag him. Then he gets up and goes home?

Come on woman! Dump his sorry arse. He’s treating you like shit.

I guess if he has some hugely redeeming feature which compensates for being a lazy sod - at a minimum I’d say being a multi-millionaire and amazing in bed, then that’s okay. Otherwise he sounds like a cocklodger with limited merits.

You’re just an appliance to this man. He’s using you.

Ughhh. No. He's doing this because clearly calling in at the takeaway on his way home is cheaper than calling into a "health sauna".

Does this improve with stern words?

Do you want it to? Someone who’s happy to leave you to do all the work may improve a bit with stern words (but who wants to parent their partner) but it’s never going to be long term because stern words can’t make him respect you. And it’s a lack of respect that makes an adult leave their partner to do all the work while they relax.

Bin him. He's not doing anything to try to make you feel good, is he?

How many times have you cooked for him?
How many times has he cooked for you?
What does he add to your life? Would you want a daughter (or son) of yours to end up with a man exactly like him?