divided between stepchildren and baby

[artmum100]

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

Also for context if it’s useful, there is some ongoing strain between the ex-wife and SC, which I’m trying to obviously be neutral on. Feel like I can’t win - when I do have a nice bonding moment with my SD then her mother will make an arch comment about me trying to replace her, or my SD will then feel guilty / like she’s being disloyal etc, and then can be a bit difficult with me sometimes as well (which is understandable but I am just tired at the moment)

There's a lot going on here. How new is all of this?

You don't actually say what you want advice for or what you are finding difficult?
Your comments about being too young are ridiculous though, you're a 30-yr old married adult woman with a child. You may not have experience of having your own teenagers but you're old enough.

We met when I was 26 and he was 38 (and seperated), I had DS when I was 29 and he was 41

You say “new stepmum” like you are a recent addition to their life, but this can’t be the case if you have a baby?

How long have you known them OP?

Ok, sorry if i’ve phrased things incorrectly - I’m just tired after a lot of sleep deprivation and I did ask for some patience with this!

I am 30 and I’m not denying being an adult. I just mean - if I were their bio-mother, I would have had them age 16 and 14, which would have been pretty young, I realise it could have just been technically possible, but nobody else in my peer group or age range has any experience with being a parent to teenagers. And the SC see me as being young, plus DH’s ex-wife, which I think doesn’t help with my sense of ‘authority’ (?)

Okay, so not that new. The way you were talking made it seem like you'd gotten pregnant the first night you met him or something!

That being said, in four years they've gone from living with both parents, to living through a divorce, to having a new stepmother, to having a new sibling, and now it sounds like they have a contentious relationship with their mother. It's a lot. Of course it is. And it's an adjustment.

But honestly, nothing you're saying sounds glaringly bad. Their mother is acting up a bit? So what. In a few years they'll be adults and you'll have to navigate a rocky road with their mother less and less.

I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

again, sorry my fault to slightly misphrase.
We got married during my pregnancy last year, so that is when I ‘technically’ became their stepmother; before that (age 26/27) we were taking things slowly so I was not fully in that role - we were trying to be careful and respectful of his children’s needs - and I didn’t even meet them for a while for this reason, until we knew this would be for the long-term.

Ahh I see, thank you for clarifying.

Having a baby and getting used to being a mum is hard, never mind adding two teenage stepchildren into the mix!

Can you explain a little more about some of the issues you’re having? Is it just feeling like you have no authority or are there things that they are doing that need addressing?

@MaggiesShadow , the SC are in their mid teens. They're 14 and 16 years younger than the OP.

Maybe I am overthinking it a bit, but I do feel a bit divided still. Having a baby does take up a lot of time, and I’m aware it’s a big change in their lives, when they’re also developing / thinking about exams, school etc. And DH is a bit stretched trying to be present for our baby but also supporting his children. Of course that is his responsibility I understand, but I feel like we’re a team, and I’m also feeling the stretch a bit. Trying to have time to get to know them but also looking after the baby.

So what if the SC see you as young, you don’t need to prove yourself to them. Focus on your baby and being the best parent you can be to them.

Leave their parenting to your DH and cut yourself some slack. Your whole life has been thrown up in the air and you’ve had a lot of changes in a short space of time.

His DC will be adults in just a few years and either moved out or there a lot less. Give it time and they will warm to you more.

I'm sorry, I'm just not quite understanding the problem here.

Did you not know them at all before you got married? I don't know how stretched you and DH can feel with one baby between the two of you? Do you feel like you rushed your decision? Do you want them around more/less? Do you want DH around more or less?

Yes, I know. And she's 30, no? So they're already 14 and 16?

Ok. So firstly I’m not that much older than you and have a teenager of my own. It can be difficult to navigate even as a bio parent. YANBU to find it challenging but YABU to think you’re too young to deal with it. All you can do is be an ear for them to talk to, keep trying to build bridges and bonds with them and be there for them when you can.

I'm sure you're doing fine. If the youngest is cheeky about your age, either respond with a joke or ask her to stop being cheeky. It doesn't sound like there are specific issues, could you explain what you feel isn't working as that would be the easiest way for others to see how to help you. Is it grumpiness or cheekiness? Ignoring you asking them to eat dinner / do homework / stay in? Does any of it make anyone unsafe or upset?

Thank you, yes, that’s how it feels!

Really trying to phrase this in a way that doesn’t sound unfair on the SDC.

His children have been raised well but they’ve not had the easiest past 4 years, and parenting styles have been different (let’s say!) between DH and his ex-wife. My SD can be quite hormonal / stressy / stroppy, she can be a bit rude to me. I get it, I remember being a teenage/ pre-teen girl, and she has a difficult relationship with her mother (who is somewhat absent), but it’s tiring sometimes.
I’m not exactly directly parenting her, but e,g, she might come home from school when DH is still at work, and then we’re in the house together - she might go out and I would try to establish where she is going / when she’ll be back - as DH would want - and she might be difficult when she still has homework to do, for example). DH has tried to organise his work schedule so he is at home more, but he is still in an office / commute pattern a few times a week.

I feel responsible for her as an adult but also want to help her with her independence (tbh DH can be a bit stricter / more anxious about her than I would be). And I’m also looking after the baby.

She doesn’t always listen if I ask for a bit of help sometimes, just things like helping a bit with son when I’m cooking before DH is back (for e.g.) but other times she does.

My SS is more straightforward but I still feel awkward about asking him to help with things / boundaries … sounds silly but things like sharing the TV?

Yes it’s that kind of thing, dinner/ homework / staying in, especially when my DH is not in.
But also ,when he is in and has to intervene a bit, it feels like there’s a slight awkwardness - him reminding them to be nicer - that is reasonable but it makes me feel more aware of my position.

It’s also that they have been having some issues with their mother, who can be a bit rude about me. I just feel like I don’t quite have the headspace for all of it at the moment, when I’m also really wanting to focus on my DS.

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I am trying to give it time, I can see that would help and that we’re in the thick of things at the moment with teenage hormones and a baby

And yes, it does make me feel a bit upset when there is grumpiness / cheekiness etc. I think i must just be feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment - I was super independent / resilient in my 20s, travelling and working in different countries, but at the moment I’m feeling lacking in confidence with all of this

I think it's fine if you're met with cheek to say "why do you think I want to know where you'll b" and open it up more into a discussion that it's just in case / to make sure they are ok, rather than keeping tabs. Good luck!

There isn’t one specific individual problem just a mix of things as I’ve tried to outline.

My DH is experienced with children, so it’s more me still adapting to being a mother (and I know lots of people find the first year hard, not just me!). But there’s work, teenagers, a baby - he is known for being very steady and calm generally, it’s just a sense of not quite having enough capacity I think

Does anyone have advice on parenting stepchildren?

It sounds like you're feeling a little insecure in your position, which is completely understandable!

You've gone through a few massive changes here. You're a first time mum, feeling vulnerable, and trying to be all things to all people.

I think it's fine for you to be dad's wife instead of their stepmother, if that makes sense? If they were younger, fair enough. But it's not really on for your DH to expect you to be strict about where his daughter goes (for example). It's up to him to communicate the ground rules with her.

IMO it's more important for you to build a good friendship with them than establish yourself as an authority figure. They have two parents, they don't need a third.

The digs about you being young, I would laugh off. SD not wanting to take care of the baby while you cook is par for the course and would likely be the case even if they were full siblings so I wouldn't take it too personally. Teens can often feel a little parentified when a new baby comes along. That's why highchairs were invented!

All in all, if you're feeling insecure then talk to your DH about it. But him laying down the law about being "nice" to you then leaving for work and leaving you to deal with the resentment isn't doing any of you any favours.

If he wants to know where his kids are going, I'm assuming they have phones so he can find out himself. Establishing you as a parental figure isn't going to work, especially if you don't even know them that well!

It doesn't sound like things are being given the chance to occur naturally here. Maybe tell DH that you won't be any sort of disciplinarian, that he'll have to be in that role 100%. And stop putting so much pressure on everyone to be a family. For now, concentrate on being friends of a sort.

Yeah. Don't!

They're mid to late teens with two parents already. They won't want or appreciate someone trying to be another mother.