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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

divided between stepchildren and baby

91 replies

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 16:43

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

OP posts:
DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:34

@MaggiesShadow , given that the teenage years are 13-19, they're not in their late teens.
The two teenagers have quite a lot going on and a baby half-sibling.

OP has two teenagers to step-parent and a baby, so no wonder she feels overwhelmed.

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:35

DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:34

@MaggiesShadow , given that the teenage years are 13-19, they're not in their late teens.
The two teenagers have quite a lot going on and a baby half-sibling.

OP has two teenagers to step-parent and a baby, so no wonder she feels overwhelmed.

Okay? I'm not sure why you feel the need to point that out to me. I said nothing to the contrary.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:37

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:31

It sounds like you're feeling a little insecure in your position, which is completely understandable!

You've gone through a few massive changes here. You're a first time mum, feeling vulnerable, and trying to be all things to all people.

I think it's fine for you to be dad's wife instead of their stepmother, if that makes sense? If they were younger, fair enough. But it's not really on for your DH to expect you to be strict about where his daughter goes (for example). It's up to him to communicate the ground rules with her.

IMO it's more important for you to build a good friendship with them than establish yourself as an authority figure. They have two parents, they don't need a third.

The digs about you being young, I would laugh off. SD not wanting to take care of the baby while you cook is par for the course and would likely be the case even if they were full siblings so I wouldn't take it too personally. Teens can often feel a little parentified when a new baby comes along. That's why highchairs were invented!

All in all, if you're feeling insecure then talk to your DH about it. But him laying down the law about being "nice" to you then leaving for work and leaving you to deal with the resentment isn't doing any of you any favours.

If he wants to know where his kids are going, I'm assuming they have phones so he can find out himself. Establishing you as a parental figure isn't going to work, especially if you don't even know them that well!

It doesn't sound like things are being given the chance to occur naturally here. Maybe tell DH that you won't be any sort of disciplinarian, that he'll have to be in that role 100%. And stop putting so much pressure on everyone to be a family. For now, concentrate on being friends of a sort.

Show quote history

Thank you so much, I hugely appreciate you taking the time to reply on all of this - it’s really helpful.

DH bless him has always been fairly traditional - is quite posh and was raised in that kind of very structured remote environment - so he is trying to be a more modern engaged emotionally aware parent, especially now he is the ‘lead’ parent. It’s a bit of a learning curve for everyone - especially seeing him try to follow his daughter’s school / friendship dramas etc. Whereas those things come more naturally to me, but then it’s a case of not overstepping too much

I think i have been putting a bit of pressure on myself - I’m honestly quite fun usually, I just so feel the responsibility of not messing up these children’s lives more

OP posts:
DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:45

@MaggiesShadow , because you said I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:45

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 17:37

Thank you so much, I hugely appreciate you taking the time to reply on all of this - it’s really helpful.

DH bless him has always been fairly traditional - is quite posh and was raised in that kind of very structured remote environment - so he is trying to be a more modern engaged emotionally aware parent, especially now he is the ‘lead’ parent. It’s a bit of a learning curve for everyone - especially seeing him try to follow his daughter’s school / friendship dramas etc. Whereas those things come more naturally to me, but then it’s a case of not overstepping too much

I think i have been putting a bit of pressure on myself - I’m honestly quite fun usually, I just so feel the responsibility of not messing up these children’s lives more

Show quote history

It's great that he's wanting to be more engaged with his kids. Let him continue that! With all three of them.

I think the best thing for you is to give yourself permission to just be yourself. Not the World's Best Stepmother. Nobody should be expecting that of you and if they are, then it's time to set some boundaries for yourself.

More importantly, you have to give yourself permission to not be perfect for everyone all of the time. If they were very young and needed constant parenting then it would be a different story. But they're mid-teens. There's nothing wrong with taking time to be comfortable around each other.

Like I said, if DH wants to keep tabs on them then it's his job to do that, not yours. As long as you can all show each other some respect and kindness, especially given that a lot has happened in a relatively short space of time, I would count that as a win.

Step back emotionally. Let yourself enjoy your baby. Include them but don't force anything. Get to know them but don't be a disciplinarian on behalf of their parents. Most of all, go easy on yourself!

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 17:46

DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:45

@MaggiesShadow , because you said I'm not sure how much parenting you really need to be doing for two late teens and wonder if you're overthinking it a little?

Well, if we're being pedantic then mid to late teens?

My point stands.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 17:52

They aren't in their late teens, @MaggiesShadow .

outerspacepotato · 07/05/2025 17:55

Is your husband expecting you to parent his teens?

If so, stop. They have 2 parents.

Check out nacho parenting.

You are in a situation where there's been a lot of upheaval the past few years. Your husband's kids are watching him start another family. Did you think things would be all sunshine and rainbows?

Do not expect or ask his kids to watch your baby. That's not their job and it will cause resentment, especially if you're only asking your stepdaughter.

SocktopusEatsSocks · 07/05/2025 18:05

Would it help to think of yourself not a parent to your teenage SC but more as a responsible adult in their lives? Like an Aunty or a Teacher or Sportscoach or Babysitter is? When you think of it like that, being a bit too young to reasonably be their parent is no longer an issue. You have authority because their dad has given you authority. He may have the final say over decisions about their lives but he trusts you to be in charge when he is not at home and you are, and the kids need to respect that in the same way they know their football coach or summer camp counselor is in charge in those situations.

SocktopusEatsSocks · 07/05/2025 18:08

Also having household rules helps. So everyone is not a baby has to take their plate to the kitchen after dinner, bring their laundry down to the washing machine, put away their own clothes etc. Even all phones go to the charging station in the kitchen at X time in the evening. Then it’s not a you telling them what to do issue, it’s just house rules. And it’s fine if the house rules are different at mum’s.

WhatHaveIJustRead · 07/05/2025 18:11

Just looking at the timelines OP… you say they’ve had a tough 4 years, and you met your husband 4 years ago… were you the OW? Is this why you’re having such trouble with the ex wife and possibly the daughter?

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:28

SocktopusEatsSocks · 07/05/2025 18:08

Also having household rules helps. So everyone is not a baby has to take their plate to the kitchen after dinner, bring their laundry down to the washing machine, put away their own clothes etc. Even all phones go to the charging station in the kitchen at X time in the evening. Then it’s not a you telling them what to do issue, it’s just house rules. And it’s fine if the house rules are different at mum’s.

Thank you - yes, trying to enforce these things consistently and for DH to lead rather than me on it

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:29

WhatHaveIJustRead · 07/05/2025 18:11

Just looking at the timelines OP… you say they’ve had a tough 4 years, and you met your husband 4 years ago… were you the OW? Is this why you’re having such trouble with the ex wife and possibly the daughter?

No I wasn’t! It was just quite soon into his seperation when we met each other. Actually his ex-wife had an affair, which has not massively helped with the DC

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:30

SocktopusEatsSocks · 07/05/2025 18:05

Would it help to think of yourself not a parent to your teenage SC but more as a responsible adult in their lives? Like an Aunty or a Teacher or Sportscoach or Babysitter is? When you think of it like that, being a bit too young to reasonably be their parent is no longer an issue. You have authority because their dad has given you authority. He may have the final say over decisions about their lives but he trusts you to be in charge when he is not at home and you are, and the kids need to respect that in the same way they know their football coach or summer camp counselor is in charge in those situations.

Thank you yes, that’s feels clearer to me

OP posts:
Odellio · 07/05/2025 18:31

6 years into step-parenting with two SC, a 2-year old of my own and another on the way. We also have majority custody and difficulties with their mum. My advice is to step back from trying to parent them at all, they have two parents and if your DH is a good dad then there should be very little for you to worry about. Focus on your little one, you have plenty to keep you occupied parenting wise.

Typical example of what I mean: SC has a messy room - shut the door. Nacho problem.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:31

outerspacepotato · 07/05/2025 17:55

Is your husband expecting you to parent his teens?

If so, stop. They have 2 parents.

Check out nacho parenting.

You are in a situation where there's been a lot of upheaval the past few years. Your husband's kids are watching him start another family. Did you think things would be all sunshine and rainbows?

Do not expect or ask his kids to watch your baby. That's not their job and it will cause resentment, especially if you're only asking your stepdaughter.

Nacho parenting - thank you, that looks really useful.

Re my SC watching the baby, it’s also that they’re half-siblings - I would have thought this would be ok as they’re biological family? I don’t mean I’m outsourcing childcare to them for free ofc !

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:33

Odellio · 07/05/2025 18:31

6 years into step-parenting with two SC, a 2-year old of my own and another on the way. We also have majority custody and difficulties with their mum. My advice is to step back from trying to parent them at all, they have two parents and if your DH is a good dad then there should be very little for you to worry about. Focus on your little one, you have plenty to keep you occupied parenting wise.

Typical example of what I mean: SC has a messy room - shut the door. Nacho problem.

Thank you. I’m definitely going to try put less pressure on myself re ‘parenting’. It’s just more challenging when I’m at home more.

OP posts:
WhatHaveIJustRead · 07/05/2025 18:35

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:29

No I wasn’t! It was just quite soon into his seperation when we met each other. Actually his ex-wife had an affair, which has not massively helped with the DC

Show quote history

Okay, and has Mum ended up living with the AP? It would appear that the adults in the situation have moved very quickly and this is obviously going to be incredibly difficult for the kids… but what’s done is done.

I think you need to just take a step back from the teens, don’t take on any sort of authority role, they have 2 parents for that. They shouldn’t be asked to help with the new baby either, it’s really not fair and a lot of kids will resent that. I would just talk to your DH and agree that he is the parent, he sets the rules, you’re not happy to enforce any rules, you’re just there to be friendly with the kids and support if they ask. For example, if the daughter goes out without having her homework done, not your problem to correct her, her father can deal with it when he gets home.

They will have moved out in a few years time so I think maintaining some distance will being friendly and supportive is the best course of action really.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:36

Also I think I still feel a bit on edge at home - I feel a bit guilty when not really engaging with them, but also want to give space. Do you think that feeling will just go away with time?

OP posts:
WhatHaveIJustRead · 07/05/2025 18:38

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:36

Also I think I still feel a bit on edge at home - I feel a bit guilty when not really engaging with them, but also want to give space. Do you think that feeling will just go away with time?

But why aren’t you engaging with them? You can absolutely be a friendly adult that they live with, converse with them and ask them about their day etc. but if they ask if they can do this, go there, have this etc. just default to dad every time. ‘You’ll have to ask you dad about that, why don’t you give him a call?’

outerspacepotato · 07/05/2025 18:39

"Re my SC watching the baby, it’s also that they’re half-siblings"

You're in essence asking them to watch their replacement. You need to avoid acts that can engender or increase resentment. They may have positive feelings about your baby, but there are some negative ones too and pushing artificial closeness, not a good idea. In fact, if there's quite a bit of turmoil, some counseling sessions might be in order just so they have a safe place to express their probably very conflicted feelings.

BlackPantherPrincess · 07/05/2025 18:40

Stop parenting them. Enforce rules and boundaries whilst they’re there, but step back and let your DH do all the heavy lifting and address issues of concern.

Pick the biggest issues and figure out, with your DH how to address them.

But take a step back and focus on YOU and your baby. Do not fall into the trap of being fall back parent/lift bitch etc because you’re home.

BlackPantherPrincess · 07/05/2025 18:40

artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:36

Also I think I still feel a bit on edge at home - I feel a bit guilty when not really engaging with them, but also want to give space. Do you think that feeling will just go away with time?

I think that’s totally normal with teenagers to just co-exist in the same space.

Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:40

outerspacepotato · 07/05/2025 18:39

"Re my SC watching the baby, it’s also that they’re half-siblings"

You're in essence asking them to watch their replacement. You need to avoid acts that can engender or increase resentment. They may have positive feelings about your baby, but there are some negative ones too and pushing artificial closeness, not a good idea. In fact, if there's quite a bit of turmoil, some counseling sessions might be in order just so they have a safe place to express their probably very conflicted feelings.

`ok, that’s really interesting. I think I was just following DH lead as he does want his children to be around each other - and I grew up in a family where I was expected to mind my younger sister / cousins, to be responsible and help out. Thank you for sharing the point

OP posts:
Original poster
artmum100 · 07/05/2025 18:41

BlackPantherPrincess · 07/05/2025 18:40

I think that’s totally normal with teenagers to just co-exist in the same space.

Show quote history

Ok, cool. I think I’m overthinking that a bit!

OP posts: