divided between stepchildren and baby

[artmum100]

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

Don't. You are not their parent. Your better off letting DH parent them and building a relationship where your a trusted, reliable and consistent adult and hopefully a friend .

I think you need to create some time to bond with them more. Find something you and SD like doing (shopping, nails, tv show, coffee etc) and something you and SS like doing ( this may be harder but be curious about his interest) - then carve time out to do that.

Also be honest with them that your not trying to replace their mother but you care about them and want to everyone to be comfortable at home.

I agree with PP about trying to not parent them too much at this point as you need to get to know them first

Most useful thing someone told me is to remember to be kind to myself. Ease those high expectations, enjoy the craziness of motherhood with your little one and let your DH do the heavy lifting with his own children. If things go tits up for step mums it’s normally a DH problem!

With a supportive hands-on DH, you’ll muddle through just fine.

And unfortunately not all children see their half siblings as siblings. I didn’t and unfortunately my son doesn’t, they were just our parents’ new children. It’s sad and hard but it’s just the way blended families go sometimes, especially when there are very large age gaps.

You are overthinking OP, just take a step back. Relax a bit. Having a new baby isn’t the time to suddenly start worrying about everyone around you. Be pleasant, be courteous and respectful.

Women too often start making other people’s problems their own and taking everyone’s burdens in the household. They aren’t all yours.

If they’re receptive to it, it’s fine. There’s no hard and fast rule.

Whilst there are some people do have children young most people do not become parents at 14. The OP is not a typical age to have teenagers, especially step-children as teenagers.

I think you should approach as you are another consistent adult in the children life and let the parents do their job.

Is there a chance your DH is putting too much of the parenting of his teens on to you?

I'm no expert in this but they have a mother and a father, do you need to mother them too? Can't you have more an an Aunty type relationship?

I feel sorry for you because it must be really difficult to deal with these dynamics and all of the upheaval of becoming a mum.

Ultimately though, the children in any family come first and 2 of the 3 have had an incredibly challenging 4 years.

I'm sure they will love their baby sibling, but it is absolutely to be expected that they will struggle with a new addition who is both yours and their dad's biological child and lives in your home full time. Especially since it's only been 4 years since their parents split up.

I think you need to be quite sensitive to the mix of emotions they are likely to be feeling. I wouldn't ask them to help at all with the baby for your benefit, they didn't create the child and it's not their responsibility, but welcome their involvement (where appropriate) if they want to do things. There dad should be going out of his way to reassure them that their place in the family hasn't changed, even if that means taking them to age appropriate things alone. And whilst their dad should be reminding them about being polite etc., I'd give them a hell of a lot more leeway if they act out at the moment.

You don't need to be there parent, just a kind and loving adult in their life.

I agree with this.

Don’t be their parent. If she wants to go out without having done her homework, remind her that her dad wants her to do her homework before she goes out. If she chooses to go, it’s up to him to deal with that. If she won’t tell you where she is going, tell her she needs to text her dad and tell him. If she refuses to do that, it’s on him to sort it out with her.

Make it clear to all you will remind them of his rules but it isn’t your place to enforce them.

What your husband wants might not be very realistic. Teens may or may not be interested in the baby. But forcing contact like forced babysitting is going to cause resentment if they don't want that contact.

Having to watch your younger sibs can be a form of parentification and it's not a healthy dynamic and again, can cause resentment.

You want honey, not vinegar here.

@MaggiesShadowthe DSc are not late teens they are early -mid teens. Still quite bit of parenting required

Why are you being so weird about ages. You are the one who keeps insisting late teens and now you are criticising others for correcting you.

OP is just 30. She said she would have been 16 & 14 if they were her dcs.
so the sdc must be 14&16. That’s very clearly early and mid teens.

no one is a late teen

14 & 16 year olds need parenting. School can be really tough at this age. Hormones are crazy.

Despite being a fairly new joiner to MN, I have seen a surprising amount of similar threads from young women who chose to get into relationships with older men by 10+ years and how they have struggled to adapt to role of SM and have ended up doing the brunt of childcare for their joint and SC without really having had a chance to learn the ropes as it were.

OP sounds very mature and I’ve no doubt she can make this work with the right advice and guidance but I’m glad she and others in similar scenarios post because any other women in their early 20s can read this and make informed decisions about what life actually could feasibly be like and whether they’re prepared for it if at anytime there was the potential to date significantly older men with fully formed families already.

My dsd was older than you are talking about but I made it clear that i wasn’t her mum, but i was there for her and she could talk to me about anything (including moaning about her mum). This approach that I’m a friend not an authority figure worked but she was already a bit older, not that much though. She didn’t get a free ride from me, I made my expectations clear that house rules for her were the same as my dd, I’m not a soft touch!

you need to find the middle ground that works for you

thank you - that’s what I was trying to say

I think he doesn’t mean to, but I work freelance from home (and now on mat leave) while he is in a more traditional career - he’s tried as much as possible to change working hours, wfh sometimes but it just means I’m at home with my SC quite often when they’re not at their mum’s house

And the other thing is that their mother / DH ex-wife is not super present at the moment, at the age when my SD is early teens … sometimes she comes to ask me for help with things, she usually doesn’t want (surprise) to talk to her Dad about periods etc, even if he does try to make it clear this is fine

Thanks - yes, I think this : "I'd give them a hell of a lot more leeway if they act out at the moment” is useful. This was my instinct, then I felt bad because I thought maybe I wasn’t putting enough boundaries in place or step-parenting ‘well enough’. But I really think there’s quite a lot in the mix at the moment. And they’re honestly normal teenagers , it’s just tricky!

Yes, that’s it - I was aware of what I was getting into, but I think it’s that sense of not having ‘learned the ropes’ - I didn’t have a slow progression with a child developing through the ages. I suppose that is the challenge with step-parenting.

nice approach - thank you. I’m probably more of a soft touch tbh!

I don't think I'm being weird about it at all. That's a bit rude!

My point (which I thought was glaringly obvious) was that teens of that age don't require the level of parenting that young children do, and so OP shouldn't see herself has some sort of mother figure but rather a trusted adult who can let a relationship grow naturally without having to parent the teenagers.

Anyway, OP seems to have understood what I meant and that's what's important.

I feel really sorry for you op and i wish people wouldn't romanticise blended families etc. It is hard work! Nacho parenting is a phrase I hadn't heard but makes sense!

Don't let your dh weasel out of parenting his own kids. Even "really good dad"s can sometimes get a bit lazy if they see the opportunity to do so. It isn't even their fault as even someone born in the early 80s like your dh probably grew up seeing childcare as mainly women's work. I am his age and remember it being much more common for women not to work and look after kids when they were little and men just went to work

All of this. I was going to write something like this but this is put much better than I could.

I wouldn't be parenting them, I'd be getting to know them and building a friendship and mutual respect. DH can message his daughter asking when she's going to be back and when you have established a friendship you might find she'll tell you before going out.

It's tough and new for all of you.