divided between stepchildren and baby

[artmum100]

Hi all,

Please don’t read the title as too charged / divisive, I was just trying to summarise for clarity. Also - I’m very tired with my baby under 1, so i’m grateful for your patience!

I’m a first-time mum, just turned 30, with DS(8mo) with my DH, who is early 40s.

He has two DC, who are early/ mid teens, a boy and a girl.

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I’m adapting to both being a stepmother to teenagers, as well as a biological mother to our baby.

I would say we are all trying to get along and his children are lovely, but of course things can be difficult. They’ve had their parents divorce, some issues with custody (DH now has more greater custody share), they have a new stepmother to get used to, and generally early teens is not the most straightforward time. So has been a bit tense at times

I feel I’m not ‘old enough’ to step-parent teenagers - I’m only 16 / 14 years older than them, and have had comments from the youngest (and DH’s ex-wife) about me being too young.

DH is a good Dad (and husband) but I’m still the one who is off work and mainly looking after our baby - which also means I’m around more when his DSC are at home.

Basically I think we’re still all getting used to each other and I’m feeling like I can’t quite cope with everything at once, even with DH support.

I did know what I was getting into, but think I couldn’t totally understand what my life would be like, and I love my DH, even though he’s older than me, divorced, etc, we didn’t want to seperate. I’m trying to take my responsibilities seriously, I’m just looking for advice and help - thank you

Tell them (and think of yourself) as a bonus person in their life. You are not a replacement parent, as they dont need that - and you dont have to be a certain age to be a positive presence in their lives.

I don’t parent my DSC. I do my best to make them welcome and I make sure I have in food they like to eat. I take them into consideration when planning days out / special occasions. I make sure to take the now toddler so they can enjoy 1:1 time with their dad.

I also do not get involved in the co-parenting relationship. Mum is high conflict and has been incredibly difficult to the point a CAO was needed.

Yes my advice is don’t … you won’t win
they have two parents

You are more the friend/ aunty role

Your DC is young now once he starts walking the kids can start playing together… hide and seek etc and you can help nurture that relationship

But maybe your DH needs to get home earlier so he is there when all three kids are there

Would they like to spend more time with their mum and would she like them to? If so they ought to spend more time with her which takes the pressure off you.

She works a lot in a v fancy career, which is partly why DH has greater custody. It was the children’s request. When I first moved in with DH, they lived more with their mum. In the past 2 years so that they have been much more with us- which has suited everyone better, but of course it’s also made me much more conscious of my role in their lives.

They want to be around their Dad more as he is much more stable / present (I’m not trying to criticise his ex-wife here, just giving context - I admire her in many ways, she is just quite intimidating!)

No experience of being a stepmom but I have had a baby and I’d say go easy on yourself and put yourself in survival mode. Do what needs doing, ignore Bio Mom and keep trying - it will all come together x

You don’t need to be parenting them. They’re teenagers. It would be different if you came into their lives when they were young but you’re passed that point. Leave your DH to parent them and try to detach from the stress of dealing with them. If there’s issues with the kids not picking up slack with things around the house like clearing their plates, putting washing away etc tell your husband and he is the one who should be dealing with them.

Hi. It’s weird reading this.

im 29, married to my husband who is 41, and i have 2 stepchildren aged 18 + 15, have also had comments off their mother, and I have a new baby who is 4 months

I don’t really have advice, but just remember you and Dh are a team. I have had problems with both stepchildren (jealousy issues etc) but it all seems to have settled and they love their sibling very much now! It is a lot for the stepkids to get used to, and I used to find myself getting annoyed because I’d be thinking ‘they’re 15, not 5’ but still - children!

they are with us 3x a week and we all get along fab now and life is lovely!!

sorry not really advice more of a handhold x

You are dealing with a lot.

My experience of parenting step children is it’s best to think of yourself as an aunt with caring responsibilities. You have responsibility and authority, but not as much - lite-parent I guess. You are not their friend, they do need you to be a parent figure till they grow up, whether they realise it or not.

Crucially you and your and your DH need to agree on the basics (kids find very different parenting styles confusing) so agree a system for doing homework before your SD goes out, what you need to know before she goes out, when she has to be back. As the parent he has the bigger say on boundaries, but as you have parenting responsibilities you do have a say too, which may mean some meeting in the middle. It’s absolutely not on for you to have to work it out as you go with your SD.

Your DH also should do what he can to be home earlier from work at least some days. Perhaps it’s totally impossible but make sure he’s tried. I’d go back to work when you can.

Make space for your own needs too - make sure you and DH get equal time off.

If you are living with teen step kids, believe me, you have a parenting role. Teens need a lot of parenting and they do not just shut down when their actual parent isn’t present.

It is true the OP’s husband needs to set the boundaries with her, so she isn’t trying to fully parent on her own, and the kids understand the rules are his, but detaching from teens doesn’t tend to make your life easier or make for a happy house. The kids just feel neglected and act out.

I’m surprised you say you were aware of what you were getting into. That’s normally a phrase that people use to bash step mums with.

Honestly, the reality of living with and bringing up children that are not your own when you are childless at first is nothing you can prepare yourself for or fully understand until you live it.

I categorically did not have the faintest idea about what I was getting into. I started learning hard and fast, and now very open with warning people about whether they can hack it if they meet a guy with kids. There’s a peace that comes with acknowledging that this gig is hard and accepting you were a bit bloody clueless to start with.

You've had good advice here.
Personally I found having a baby made my role as a step parent click. We were more of a family than before.
I think you tread a line between involvement and taking a step back.
On a practical level, I helped keep their home somewhere where they felt welcomed, familiar and their needs were met.
They were very sweet with the baby and were my first visitors after my Mum. They were here when we brought the baby home from hospital. Baby is now 18 and has an independent relationship especially with her older sister. There's quite a big age gap but the older DD gets the more it closes.
Keep your boundaries and ensure you're on the same page as your DH around rules and suchlike. My SC Mum was very willing to co parent harmoniously so we didn't really have any problems on that front.

You mention exams OP, is the elder child doing GCSEs?

If so, the exam period can bring a whole load of new stress into the house and with the exams having already started, your SC will really need to dedicate their free time to revision, a good nights sleep and having some downtime, so don’t expect too much help on the housework/baby watching front.

You’re also going to have a long summer which starts around mid June, so make sure there are lots of fun activities planned so they don’t feel like a new baby has turned up and stopped them from going out/holidaying/meeting up with friends etc.

Being a taxi-driver is a good way to get on side with the teens; offering to pick them up and drop them places, plus it’s a good bargaining chip; “sure I’ll drop you at Tom’s house, you unload the dishwasher, I’ll get the baby ready and then we’ll go.”

I would try to think of myself as being like a live in auntie to them - someone that loves and bonds with them and is an adult they should respect and obey to a degree but not one who does major decisions. Aunties can be any age

OP, maybe you’d benefit from a structured approach to spending time with them. So you could take the lead on, say, a weekly movie or pizza-making night. Something like that would take the pressure off you the rest of the time, if that makes sense.

Teens are difficult anyway. It sounds like you are doing well. SD should not need to be supervised solely. Dad needs to realise you have a lot on your plate ATM.Say he needs to liase with her.Babies are hard work!