Was neighbour BU?

[BarbarellaC]

Will try and make it quick. I have a 10 (ish) month old cat. He has only started going out in the garden in the past few weeks since the weather has been warm.

We have a fairly secure garden and, up to now, he has generally stayed in the garden but has wondered out once or twice (sometimes he just climbs the trees in our garden so we can't always see him), but always come back when we call him or rattle his biscuits. We live near a main road so I'm not keen on him venturing too far beyond our garden.

He has a new tractive tracker but hates wearing it so DH took it off him last night and I didn't have time to chase him t9 put it back on before I went to work. So he didn't have it on today. I let him out at just after 8pm when it was still light and, when I came downstairs again, the cat was nowhere to be seen. Called him, rattled biscuits, nothing. By then I was worried because he had never taken so long to come back.

So I went out to look for him and did a couple of rounds at the back and front of our house. Then knocked on our nice neighbour's door and he kindly said he would look in his garden. Knocked on the other neighbour's door (youngish couple, no kids) and, despite their lights being on, they didn't answer the door. It was obviously me as they have a sensor light so I lit up like Blackpool tower while standing on their doorstep. No answer still.

By the time I walked back around the block, DH called to say the cat had emerged. He had jumped over the second neighbour's fence. So, he was in their garden and had they been kind enough to look, they would have spotted him.

Anyway, all fine in the end. Cat is OK and won't be going out without his tracker again. I can't stop him from jumping over the high fence and going into the neighbour's garden though.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

The men never talk to us but, if a neighbour knocked on my door at 8.30pm, I would answer it because it seems like the kind and neighbourly thing to do.

You sound like a very kindhearted cat owner.

Oh OP. Wait till you have to get up at 2am to see to the baby and 5.30am to get the kids ready and get off to work. 8.30pm is a No Kid’s Yet’s 11pm.
And yes, YABTU to imagine that your poor neighbours are sitting round their house before bed eagerly awaiting to be asked to go promptly into their garden and look for a cat that’s been away exploring for 30 minutes. A cat which shouldn’t be there anyway, and will probably be a nuisance for their garden, which seems to completely have bypassed your awareness.

You sound very entitled OP. YNBU to knock on their door but YABVU to suggest they’re unkind for not being able to come to the door and that you’re somehow a better person because “you’d answer even if it was for a cup of a sugar”. If you hadn’t knocked at a bad time I’m sure they’d give you a cup of sugar too.

It’s fine for you to knock but you’re not entitled to their time and it’s absolutely fine for them to answer or not - it’s their home. You have no idea if they looked outside to see who was knocking or not and you have no idea why they didn’t answer - as others have said they could have been having sex, just come out of the shower, had headphones in and not heard, mid-way through cooking or eating dinner, on a video call, working, just received some bad news or going through a bereavement, had fallen asleep on the sofa, had food poisoning or otherwise unwell… just accept that the time you knocked wasn’t a good time for them and that has absolutely nothing to do with “kindness”.

The world doesn’t revolve around you and people are allowed to have other things going on and not be available to you 24/7 without that making them unkind or unneighbourly. What is unkind is assuming the worst of people and making negative judgements based on something as meaningless as being unable to come to the door one time when you knocked instead of doing the normal thing and thinking “must be a bad time, hope I didn’t disturb them” and moving on with your life.

I can’t answer your question because I live on another continent and people here are particularly nutty - including me.
I had a cat once I was enormously fond of. We had my cousin staying over and this fancy hoover guy was there giving us a demonstration - when he left my cat disappeared and I was convinced that the hoover salesman had stolen my 33lb beloved cat!
My husband & my cousin berated me but I was frantic - my cat had never run off before.
I called & called & called and spent a sleepless night and no cat - and nothing the next day.
At 6pm the following evening he showed up on my front doorstep coated in what I can I only describe as a mixture of dust and water from a spray bottle.
He’d obviously had a very big adventure.
I still blame that hoover guy/ lol

You have absolutely no idea what you were interrupting.

You let your cat wander. Knocking on neighbors doors is ridiculous. If your cat gets hurt or trapped somewhere it is no one’s responsibility but your own.

Cat proof your garden if you want your cat to go outside.

@ BournardTourney
“You did nothing wrong Op, yes they should have opened the door.”

Excuse me? Since when did it become an obligation to open the door? There are many and varied reasons why people might choose to have pulled down the shutters - that you wanted me to open my door is no reason for me to have to do so.

I put the "you did nothing wrong" type reponses in with those that there will always be one who goes ''the neighbour 2 streets over won the lottery and won't give you half they being totally unreasonable you are a wonderful person sit on their doorstep till they do what you want"

Hmm, in my replies I have:

• agreed that it wasn't an emergency and I was being panicky as a new cat owner

• agreed the neighbours could have been busy and are not in any case obliged to open the door

• asked questions about the 8.30 issue and acknowledged I have a London centric view of the world

• asked questions about suggestions offered to me and said I would look into them

I WAS surprised that they didn't answer the door, but this post has given me some insights as to why.

There's nothing I can do if you don't believe me! Why should any of us believe strangers on the Internet....?

I didn't blame them at all. But you sound lovely.

Loads of reasons why they may not answer the door (mid shit, mid shag, mid dinner, mid film, simply couldn't be arsed and no idea it was anything important)...

Even if they had gone and looked, theres a strong chance your cat was in there only for the few seconds it took to cross their garden from somewhere elses and he could have been many gardens down when you first started rattling the biscuits.

Cat proof your garden (fence toppers with rollers on them or inward hanging wire) or build a catio - never have this worry again.

Yes, I think a big mistake I made was jot realising 8.30 is "before bed". I accept that.

BTW, I am a parent. My DS is now 18 and at uni so am done with the night wakings, early mornings, nursery and school run, then work, etc.

I'm in bed by 8.30 (5am starts) so would definitely be ignoring the door. I don't think they're rude, who knows what they were up to

My DH does shifts as a paramedic and has to go to bed around 8ish to get up for an early. I look after the kids and often woken up several times by baby and then up at 6am by earlier riser child so go to bed around 8ish as well in the hope to get a fair amount of sleep. Id be fuming at you if you disturbed me for a cat that is out exploring for 30 minutes. Ridiculous!

In a genuine emergency from neighbours I wouldn't be angry if they needed us. We've had neighbours knocking on our door for my DH help as he could get there quicker than ambulance - totally fine to be disturbed. Genuine emergency.

Maybe next time just send a text to your neighbours asking if they've seen the car/can check?

you weren't unreasonable for knocking on their door, but they were also not unreasonable to not answer, for what ever reason.

I’m rural, just because we aren’t in London, we’re not all boring AF 🙄

I would answer the door, because we’re remote and anyone at 8.30pm would presumably have a purpose, although if it was someone wanting me to search my garden for the cat they let out, I’d be telling them to fuck off.

I assume you’re new to cat ownership and from your posts I think you’re in for a very steep learning curve. It won’t continue to come back for the biscuits indefinitely fyi.

I remember when my cat was a kitty and we started letting her out for the first time. When she went over the fence I was panic stricken that she wouldn't return (also near a main road) and I would call, shake biscuits, everything. My elderly neighbour would say "don't worry, she'll come back", but I wasn't convinced. Like me, you'll look back on this in years to come and cringe at how daft you're being, but it's natural to worry when you love your pet. Glitterballcat is 16 this year and doesn't go quite as far now.

Some good ideas suggested for cat proofing your garden, but be mindful that if any of your trees reach over the boundary, puss will just use the tree as a means of escape. Catios are a great idea if you have the space to erect a good sized one.

If you’ve actually had kids I don’t understand why you’d think people should be free to come to the door - at any time - so much so that you’re on MN checking that neighbours are unreasonable for not being free to answer the door? There are a million reasons they couldn’t. It’s actually you who are being very unreasonable. God help your poor neighbours now you have a reason to think their garden is now available to you as part of your lifestyle.

If you mr cat doesn’t like the feel of the trackers that dangle from the collar, have a look at https://pettracer.com/ The tracker is in the collar itself. It’s not cheap, but it has GPS and radio tracking.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

Yes YABU.

It's yours and your DH's attitude that a straying cat is someone else's responsibility.

Would you be tolerant if that neighbour had a dog which found its way into your garden? And fouled your garden? Cats foul gardens, but somehow, it's other people's problem, not you and your DH's?

You'd tell your neighbour to fuck off? That's quite a strong reaction. Genuinely didn't think people would say fuck off to a neighbour who was just looking for their cat.

I don’t have neighbours, but if someone I had never met or spoken to appeared at my doorstep at 8.30pm and asked me to go into my own garden to look for their cat then yes 100% they would be told to fuck off because obviously that’s a wholly unreasonable request, as the poll from your original post has hopefully highlighted to you.

Unless you could see your cat stuck or trapped in the neighbours garden I wouldn’t have gone knocking. If you let cats out you have to get used to the fact they don’t always want to come in and they go where they want. The longer and warmer the nights the later and later they will want to be out.

Snide.

I accept IABU. I would join a search party for a missing dog and wouldn't mind if they pooed in my garden.

Yes I realise IABU but didn't think I'd be told to fuck off. That's enlightening, thanks