Husband can’t get over it

[Valuethatoflife]

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. A few years before we got together while I was having a bit of an off the rails time, I had a fling with a manager at work. It was never anything more than what it was and ended when it was found out by others at work. My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc. I have always said that as it happened well before we were together he needs to work on it and have offered to support this but will not accept it being thrown around as an insult etc.
OH went to a work event and saw this old manager, who I no longer work with, now they may be working in the same company and OH has started to act cold and keeps saying snide remarks etc.

AIBU to expect him to deal with it, with my support and get over it?

So you had a fling with this guy BEFORE you and your husband got together? Is that correct?

The thing is, you shouldn't HAVE to support him over something that happened before he was even on the scene.
His jealousy and insecurities are causing him to be shitty with you and that's TOTALLY out of line.
He needs to get the fuck over himself.

The only way you would be unreasonable in this situation is to ‘support’ him getting over it. Everyone has a past and this happened, what, 12 years ago minimum? You tell him he needs to cop the fuck on, you never again want to hear about it, if he needs therapy to get over it then he can organise it himself and if he continues to bring it up then you’ll reconsider the relationship. He’s being ridiculous.

Does he have a problem with other boyfriends you've had or is he only focussing on this one

He’s cross about a former, casual boyfriend of your who you didnt choose and uses it to be abusive to you when you have chosen him over and over for more than 10 years?

I’d be putting a stop to that behaviour right now.

It’s entirely ridiculous, he is using it as a stick to beat you with.

i wouldn’t personally be looking to “support him” I’d be fed up after ten years of such errant nonsense and telling him to get over it or get out.

He’s using this as a ruse Op because I reckon he’s having it off with someone

or

he’s a complete weirdo

@Comedycook yes was before we got together.

Well it certainly sounds like he is being a twat about this.

The only sort-of-justification I can think of is if this manager was married/in a relationship and you knowingly had an affair with him. He would be reasonable to not like that behaviour, although he would still be being a total dick to keep bringing it up, assuming that you regret that aspect of it.

Have you asked him outright, "OH, I don't know why you keep bringing this up. What do you hope to achieve from it?"

Maybe he's got an agenda of his own? Men use reverse psychology when they're the ones with someone on the side. They're very good at it too. Either way, stop supporting the arsehole, unless it's out of the front door.

Then that's totally unreasonable of him obviously. I wouldn't try to reassure him ..you've done nothing wrong

This is a him problem, not a you problem.

You have every right to say if he can't accept your past then the relationship is over.

I wouldn't tolerate it personally. What I did before a partner was in my life is my business, not his.

Oh my god you had a life before him? You had... sex ... before him? you didn't arrive in his bed still in your original packaging?

He needs to grow the fuck up

It’s funny because I’ve wanted to post this for so long and then the work issue came up so I have as currently we are ships in the night and I don’t know how to approach it. What you are all saying confirms what I know, it is insecurities etc on his part, and my accepting it is insecurities on mine tbh.

For goodness sake , stop supporting and tell him to get a grip.

The relationships you had before you got together are none of his business.

I would not tolerate the snide comments either.

The conversation this evening will be me very firmly explaining that he needs to get over it and get some help if he needs it, that’s all. I just have to be calm or I will angry cry and be ridiculous!

He sleeping with someone else and gaslighting you to make himself feel better

He’s being ridiculous, he can’t throw your past in your face especially when it’s nothing to do with him. He must be really insecure.

You've been together 10 years, you're married, you have children together and he's still pissed off that you slept with a work colleague before he met you??

I'm sorry but that's not normal.

Don't offer "support" him to get over something that he has no right to object to in the first place, he's acting like a fucking loon.

Was he a virgin when you met?

Aware that he could of course be doing something himself, but until I get any wind of it beyond this I won’t worry about it.

This is very much a him problem. Would therapy help?
Do you know any exes of his you could start throwing your toys out the pram about?

Just waiting for the massive drip feed that explains on what planet you might even question if he's being reasonable

Wasn’t a virgin, but had only ever been with long term partners.

First point is that if it was before you even got together then it’s a him problem.

Second point is that if you were found out at work and he heard through the grapevine about it is there anything about this man or what he may have heard to make him have an issue with it ten years on?

Still not his business but there is a possibility that he can’t get something out of his head that he’s never mentioned or discussed other than snide digs?

Well, you both had a past, which is normal unless you met when you were young teens.
Honestly, he is jealous of something that happened before he was ever on the scene. If he has not been jealous of past boyfriends....I would wonder why now?