Husband can’t get over it

[Valuethatoflife]

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. A few years before we got together while I was having a bit of an off the rails time, I had a fling with a manager at work. It was never anything more than what it was and ended when it was found out by others at work. My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc. I have always said that as it happened well before we were together he needs to work on it and have offered to support this but will not accept it being thrown around as an insult etc.
OH went to a work event and saw this old manager, who I no longer work with, now they may be working in the same company and OH has started to act cold and keeps saying snide remarks etc.

AIBU to expect him to deal with it, with my support and get over it?

I'd give him one last chance to properly open up about why this bothers him so much - does this manager chap push some sort of button for your OH in terms of his deep insecurities - is there something he's afraid the manager man did for you that he can't? And I'd try to help talk that through. Then, tell him it's time to move on and you don't expect it to come up again because you haven't done anything wrong.

If it isn't this, it could be his judgement of you having a 'fling' as opposed to a righteous approved relationship. My ex always went on about a brief fling I'd had, as if I was immoral, not respectable etc and he didn't like to think of me being 'loose'. He wasn't bothered about sanctioned long-term relationships.

Have you come across retroactive jealously? I’m not saying this is what it is but it might be another thing to think about. It can be very upsetting for all concerned.

Perhaps you should pick apart the girl he had a crush on at 14.
Or another girlfriend. Any gf will do.
Or a woman he once smiled at in a shop 5 years before you met.
All are just as ludicrous as his stance.
Tell him to grow up.

Our relationship has been messy to put it mildly. He was never anything but devoted to me - I was all over the shop.

It is never brought up except as an initial insecurity from him that I'd find his lack worldly experience unappealing.

He won't change but you can. Counselling to work through your own insecurities and why you have chosen to put up with this for so long and why you were prepared to marry him and have children with him knowing this was an issue.

He's an insecure arsehole who views women as lesser. There's no other explanation for it; apparently you were supposed to have just been sat in a room by yourself waiting for him to enter your life.

...has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc.

In what way? Angry that you dated someone else? Scathing that it was this particular man? Does he dislike him? I'm trying to figure what exactly his problem could be.

He might be worried you are prone to flings. Some people date seriously only and others see nothing wrong with casual dating, that may scare him? You mentioned he only had long term gfs. I don’t think it is reasonable for him to mention it to you or be snide. I can see how it could make him worried in his mind though. You were single then though.

I think he's found something to guilt you with, and keeps pressing that bruise.

Vile behaviour.

My ex used to act so weirdly over my past (pre him) ... In the end I told him it was like he was having an affair .. if he was chatting someone up or messaging them to persue them and it was taking up his energy, time and feelings towards me then it would be seen as an emotional affair. Therefore, given his unfounded paranoia and the head space this behaviour took up, he was having an affair ..with his fears.

He's unreasonable, the only way I might think him to have any reason is if either of you had been in a relationship at the time and in which case I may have questions, even if it was him partnered up and you knowingly slept with him. But essentially he needs to get over it.

This is in the first post:

"My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc."

Do you mean you were totally besotted with your DH, or the guy from work toy had a fling with, @Valuethatoflife?

Tell this hypocrite he can go and kick rocks. I presume he was not a virgin when you met him? Meaning shock horror, he has also shagged people before meeting you.

I had an ex like this, hated the fact I had been married before. He once kept pestering me asking me if I had ever found XH atttactive. Despite our differences, there’s no denying XH is a very handsome man. I told him yes I did otherwise I wouldn’t have married him and he started to cry. 😳

I later found out the same CF had been cheating the entire relationship.

YANBU I would grill him about all of his past relationships/one night stands/everything he did before you met.

Your husband is being pathetic (or very manipulative). It was before you got together, you don't work with the guy anymore, you've been with your husband for ten years. I don't understand the issue. I would tell him to see a therapist if he needs to because I would not be willing to hear about it ever again.

To me it sounds like he is using it as a weapon. I'd tell him to fuck right off with this juvenile jealousy bullshit immediately.

Good grief. Is this silly fellow channeling Henry VIII? Hal's jealousy induced him to chop off heads, so I would make it abundantly clear to your DH that you aren't entertaining his nonsense. If he doesn't stop weaponising your past, the next man (or woman) you'll be spending time with will be a solicitor. Let him stick that in his Greensleeves.

Next time he brings it up, just say enough and make it clear you won’t tolerate it being used as a weapon. It’s manipulative and embarrassing. Don’t get cross or upset, just shut it down. If he tries to get a reaction, don’t give it to him. Just walk away or change the subject.

Alternatively, start listing any of his previous partner’s names and repeat his comments about them. Obviously immature and won’t help things at all but it’s an option!

It’s so frustrating that you can marry people, have kids and they still bring up stuff from the past. You’ve tried to be gentle and nice about it. Now, just be blunt. He’s insecure and that’s his problem not yours.

How is that a drip? What was wrote in that comment is basically wrote in the Op

This. He is this unhinged over a fling before you were even together?? What is he? 15? He shouldn't need your support. This should be a non-issue. This is a him problem. And before anyone asks, I would be saying the same thing if this were a woman behaving ridiculously.

He’s being absolutely ridiculous.

The mature thing to do would be to tell him that this behaviour ends here and you will no longer be tolerating it.

The less mature approach (but the one I might be tempted to take) would be to just pick a random ex girlfriend of his and invent a reason to have an issue with their relationship. Throw it back in his face every time he raises this guy with you.

The one thing you should not do is continue to “support” him through it. His (ridiculous) feelings on this matter are not for you to manage.

If they are to be working together do you think that the manager is likely to pass some snide/ sneaky comments to your DH about having had you or do you think he is not the type

Mine was snidey about my ex, still can be. We've been married Forty plus years. The ex died years ago. It's weird. I just ignore.

My mother told me all men want to be the first when I was young and a virgin. Seems things haven't changed in fifty years for some men.

Wtf this is abusive

When you say he "got to hear of it", do you mean it was the subject of gossip? If so possibly some less than gentlemanly remarks were made by those gossips about your character, and now he is with you he thinks it reflects badly on him that he is with a lady of ill repute. Or simply, as a PP said, he knows people talk and know what happened and is embarrassed.

This is not my view at all, I think your DH is being a complete prat and I don't know how you have tolerated it. It's just I know that even in 2025 the man is praised for prowess the woman is scorned as a wanton floozy. And some men will have insecurities if they suspect a past lover has been more exciting. Entirely his issue and the idea you should support him with getting past that sexist caveman nonsense is ridiculous. Apologies if I'm way off mark.

Why the hell does he care about something that happened before you were even together?