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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband can’t get over it

104 replies

Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:28

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. A few years before we got together while I was having a bit of an off the rails time, I had a fling with a manager at work. It was never anything more than what it was and ended when it was found out by others at work. My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc. I have always said that as it happened well before we were together he needs to work on it and have offered to support this but will not accept it being thrown around as an insult etc.
OH went to a work event and saw this old manager, who I no longer work with, now they may be working in the same company and OH has started to act cold and keeps saying snide remarks etc.

AIBU to expect him to deal with it, with my support and get over it?

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 06/05/2025 22:55

ZoeCM · 06/05/2025 22:50

Why the hell does he care about something that happened before you were even together?

This. He is using it to control you. To make you feel bad for no reason.

Original poster
Valuethatoflife · 07/05/2025 00:20

Was all definite gossip, it was a big deal and I took it all with a smile even though it affected my carer and his was untouched (of course). He wouldn’t pass comment to my OH, I know that for sure.

Slight update, had a chat and he explained that he won’t be working with the other man as he won’t be able to. We didn’t argue it was all very calm and then ended on he should never have got involved because he knew it would bother him like it has but he did and here we are, so he has to sort it out or it’ll always hang over him and affect our family. Heres to hoping he does, on the plus he went to bed early and I relaxed and watched something we are watching on my own and felt no guilt haha!

I keep thinking of a scene in a film when a woman asks her husband would he accept his behaviour if it was happening to his daughter. That’s the same here, what would I say to my kids if someone was doing this and that’s the answer to this whole thing. So to conclude for today, I am going to bed feeling lighter, thanks all!

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 07/05/2025 00:24

Valuethatoflife · 07/05/2025 00:20

Was all definite gossip, it was a big deal and I took it all with a smile even though it affected my carer and his was untouched (of course). He wouldn’t pass comment to my OH, I know that for sure.

Slight update, had a chat and he explained that he won’t be working with the other man as he won’t be able to. We didn’t argue it was all very calm and then ended on he should never have got involved because he knew it would bother him like it has but he did and here we are, so he has to sort it out or it’ll always hang over him and affect our family. Heres to hoping he does, on the plus he went to bed early and I relaxed and watched something we are watching on my own and felt no guilt haha!

I keep thinking of a scene in a film when a woman asks her husband would he accept his behaviour if it was happening to his daughter. That’s the same here, what would I say to my kids if someone was doing this and that’s the answer to this whole thing. So to conclude for today, I am going to bed feeling lighter, thanks all!

I’ve RTFT and I’m still not clear on what there is for him to ‘get over’. What is it you’re supposed to have done wrong, in his opinion?

Hamandpineapplepizza · 07/05/2025 00:27

When you say a "fling" do you mean the manager was married and this was an affair ?
That I could understand someone struggling with. I would struggle to trust someone who was prepared to have sex with a married person. But I expect I wouldn't get into a relationship with them as I would know we had different values.

But it it was just a fling and there was no cheating from either party then he's being unreasonable and he needs to get over it and you shouldnt need to "support" him in any way.

StormCloud52 · 07/05/2025 00:28

RamsaySnowsSausage · 06/05/2025 20:08

I used to have an ex sometimes pull over dramatically when we were in the car and burst out crying that he couldn't handle "my past". I'd had 2 or 3 partners before him. That he knew about before we got together. And I'd apologise and comfort him.

Jesus christ on a bike...never again.

More ashamed of me than I am of him!!

He is doing this to score points and to "win" and to make you feel bad. No real, loving partner would ever, ever do that.

Being temporarily insecure and needing some reassurance is one thing but dragging up a spouse's private past from before you met is meant to shame you and make you feel guilty and responsible for his shit moods.

He will never 'get over' this because it suits him massively not to.

Ltb

Do we have the same ex.

As an aside, I am now with a man whose best friend (and maybe one or two more friends) I used to sleep with. He could not care less and it’s blissful (he doesn’t tell me he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t care.)

HowManyMintCLubsIsTooMany · 07/05/2025 06:07

Valuethatoflife · 07/05/2025 00:20

Was all definite gossip, it was a big deal and I took it all with a smile even though it affected my carer and his was untouched (of course). He wouldn’t pass comment to my OH, I know that for sure.

Slight update, had a chat and he explained that he won’t be working with the other man as he won’t be able to. We didn’t argue it was all very calm and then ended on he should never have got involved because he knew it would bother him like it has but he did and here we are, so he has to sort it out or it’ll always hang over him and affect our family. Heres to hoping he does, on the plus he went to bed early and I relaxed and watched something we are watching on my own and felt no guilt haha!

I keep thinking of a scene in a film when a woman asks her husband would he accept his behaviour if it was happening to his daughter. That’s the same here, what would I say to my kids if someone was doing this and that’s the answer to this whole thing. So to conclude for today, I am going to bed feeling lighter, thanks all!

This is really unnerving.

I wouldn’t feel lighter OP, I’d feel concerned.

He is using this as a weapon against you, and will continue to do so.

Apologies if you have, but have you answered whether the guy was married at the time?

Stubtoe · 07/05/2025 06:22

Valuethatoflife · 07/05/2025 00:20

Was all definite gossip, it was a big deal and I took it all with a smile even though it affected my carer and his was untouched (of course). He wouldn’t pass comment to my OH, I know that for sure.

Slight update, had a chat and he explained that he won’t be working with the other man as he won’t be able to. We didn’t argue it was all very calm and then ended on he should never have got involved because he knew it would bother him like it has but he did and here we are, so he has to sort it out or it’ll always hang over him and affect our family. Heres to hoping he does, on the plus he went to bed early and I relaxed and watched something we are watching on my own and felt no guilt haha!

I keep thinking of a scene in a film when a woman asks her husband would he accept his behaviour if it was happening to his daughter. That’s the same here, what would I say to my kids if someone was doing this and that’s the answer to this whole thing. So to conclude for today, I am going to bed feeling lighter, thanks all!

You said you’ve been enduring this kind of behaviour from him from the very START of your relationship.

So quite clearly you’re well versed in the ostrich approach of sticking your head in sand.

Your children will soon enough clock on to this disturbing dynamic OP

womenarehuman · 07/05/2025 07:22

I feel stupid posting this so deep into the thread, and perhaps I have missed something in one of your follow-ups, but - what is his issue? If he's upset that you have had relationships before him, that's just kind of part of life. He has to let go and focus on the fact that since the two of you have been a couple, you have chosen him and noone else.

If he has ethical issues with your having been involved with a coworker (and yes, there are additional issues when that person was your boss), he has to understand that ideas about this vary. Most places I've worked have had a policy where these types of relationships are required to be disclosed, and when it is a case of a direct or indirect report the two people are usually separated. However, there's a lot of evidence that subordinates tend to suffer disproportionately in these cases, and that women are disproportionately impacted. So I really don't think it is fair or constructive for someone who was not directly involved to judge this. At an absolute minimum, he needs to tell you exactly what is bothering him or what questions he has, and you may want to do your best to answer them for the sake of the relationship. But if he's doing a hardline patriarchal "it's wrong!" here, I think he may be targeting the wrong person between you and your then-boss.

I'd ask him point blank what it would take for him to draw a line under this piece of YOUR (not his) past and stop constantly bringing it up. But please stop pathologising yourself; he is the one that has an issue here. All you can do is say that if he wants to openly hash this out and get to the bottom of his problems, you'll try to be as open as reasonably possible - but whether or not he can get beyond this is up to him. If you've been open with him and he's still unhealthily preoccupied AND he's not willing to get professional help, the relationship may be a lost cause.

CandidRaven · 07/05/2025 08:48

Everyone has a past when it comes to sexual partners, what happened before your relationship is none of his business and he needs to work on his insecurity before he drives you away, not going to lie I couldn't be with someone as jealous as that

MattCauthon · 07/05/2025 09:20

So he's still playing the victim though? "Poor me. I am.such a useless person this bothers me and perhaps we should never even have got together. Sigh.". Yah know you are supposed to tell him.how much you love him, how you regret it, how you will do whatever it takes....?

I am quite surprised this is the only jealousy-related control behaviour he is exhibiting. Unless there's more and you just ignore it or sre used to it? Being unhappy with you going out, needing constant reassurance you love him MORE, not liking male colleagues or friends, suggesting some.of your girlfriends are bad influences....

Deckings · 07/05/2025 09:25

OP, he sounds like an unstable horrible man who is emotionally abusing you.

Contact Women's aid.
This is a toxic relationship and you are being abused.

He likes this upset and punishing you.
I would be looking to get organise to end the marriage.

Life is too short.
Call Womens aid for advice and support.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 07/05/2025 09:37

Everyone has a past when it comes to sexual partners Not everyone.

what happened before your relationship is none of his business OP presumably made it his business by telling him. If it wasn't her past, it would be something else.

There will be nothing that OP can do about this, he needs to seek help as there is almost certainly a psychiatric or psychological cause.

BeKeenRaven · 07/05/2025 09:50

Couldn't scroll past without mentioning that my ex was like this, on an extreme scale.

He became very abusive because of my past (which wasn't bad lol) he used everything against me, made up things about me and my exes.

He made my life hell and it started exactly the same as yours started.

He was arrested many times for domestic abuse and we're in court in a few months.

Please leave, it will NOT get better. X

3luckystars · 07/05/2025 09:56

OhBow · 06/05/2025 21:00

I think he's found something to guilt you with, and keeps pressing that bruise.

Vile behaviour.

That’s a good way of putting it.

He is haunting you over something before you met? That’s really wrong. You can do nothing to change that? Nor should you!!!

I doubt you were that wild.

Even REALLY wild people change their ways and settle down, they don’t deserve to be constantly shamed for their past. That’s sick.

pimplebum · 07/05/2025 10:09

In what way does he bring it up ?
does he constantly think you are cheating ?
was the other man married ? Did his wife find out ?

I could not accept this in a marriage , we all have a past

you seem hard on yourself when you say “wild” I am thinking excessive drinking, drugs lots of one night stands/ inappropriate relationships basically lots of messy behaviour on work nights out that could damage the reputation of the company ???
Even if you were like this , so what ? No one’s perfect you aren’t like that now so you should not reproach yourself and neither should anyone else !

orangedream · 07/05/2025 10:10

Your husband said he should never have gotten involved with you and you see that as progress?

It seems that your colleague must have been married if the relationship damaged your career and your husband has such an issue with it? So you're prepared to spend your life with a man who thinks it's his place to judge you forever?

Nerlin9812 · 07/05/2025 18:10

Was the manager married? Or is it someone who has abit about them and OH is jealous of him?

sounds like there’s more going on tbh, have you notices he’s been on his phone more? Sure he isn’t having an affair ?

TheTester2 · 07/05/2025 19:45

If u had been unfaithful to your OH I would understand his reaction but you weren’t so he needs to get over it. Most people have previous partners. He needs to sort out his trust/jealousy issues.

Elle2018 · 07/05/2025 20:08

Sorry clicked you are being unreasonable by mistake, your hubby needs to get himself before he lands himself on hot water at work if he does work with this guy.

Jk987 · 07/05/2025 20:40

Does he think you should have been a virgin before you met?

BatChops1 · 07/05/2025 20:52

I would categorically leave him over this. Who the fuck does he think he is? Ugh - so off putting, a needy jealous man. Does your vagina just clamp shut at the thought of him these days?

id give him one last clear ultimatum. He mentions this shit just one more time and you will end the relationship. And mean it.

he sounds utterly pathetic

Inbloom123 · 07/05/2025 22:00

Very bizarre behaviour on his part. I’m amazed you’ve put up with 10 years of this nonsense.

BoldAmberDuck · 08/05/2025 10:58

It’s male pride. Basically he’s going to be working with a man who has known you sexually and it’s going to take a while to get used to the thought of it. Even though it was before him, it’s just that thought that he’s been there and been intimate with you. He will get over it in time

HenleyHenleyHenley · 08/05/2025 11:01

Who the hell is voting you unreasonable!

Jesus people are weird. YANBU OP at all and this is quite abusive.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 08/05/2025 12:35

BoldAmberDuck · 08/05/2025 10:58

It’s male pride. Basically he’s going to be working with a man who has known you sexually and it’s going to take a while to get used to the thought of it. Even though it was before him, it’s just that thought that he’s been there and been intimate with you. He will get over it in time

He's been like that for 10 years. He's not going to change.