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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband can’t get over it

104 replies

Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:28

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. A few years before we got together while I was having a bit of an off the rails time, I had a fling with a manager at work. It was never anything more than what it was and ended when it was found out by others at work. My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc. I have always said that as it happened well before we were together he needs to work on it and have offered to support this but will not accept it being thrown around as an insult etc.
OH went to a work event and saw this old manager, who I no longer work with, now they may be working in the same company and OH has started to act cold and keeps saying snide remarks etc.

AIBU to expect him to deal with it, with my support and get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:54

@S0j0urn4r I have suggested therapy, and will say that again. I just wouldn’t do that myself, I suppose that’s the other difference my past is a lot more colourful than his so I have a very different view on things to him and I am a lot more open minded.

@bostonchamps promise no drip feed, I suppose my thinking more comes from my own insecurities around being a bit wild (in lots of ways) when I was younger which all probably stemmed from a foundation of insecurities but I think that’d be another thread, or a book haha!

OP posts:
lunar1 · 06/05/2025 18:55

Please don’t pander to him over this, he can either grow up of fuck off, life is too short to put up with his made up drama and excuses to be shitty to you.

Original poster
Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:57

It’s been an issue since when we first got together, I was just absolutely besotted with him and thought I could deal with it and sort of but that hasn’t worked.

Definitely agree with the life’s too short comment!

OP posts:
CraneBeak · 06/05/2025 19:08

Wait what the fuck am I missing - what exactly is the problem with having a fling with a manager at work? Assuming the manager wasn't married? OP, this isn't even a "colourful" past - it's literally just having a past at all. You didn't do anything wrong.

Your DP is being an absolute prick to keep using it as something to insult you with, ten years later and with children. If I were you I'd switch the narrative and stop playing into the idea that you did something wrong. If he mentions it, look at him with confusion and say "yeah? So what? I fancied him, we had a great time together, but it was 14 years ago so I don't see how it's relevant now."

Stubtoe · 06/05/2025 19:08

Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:57

It’s been an issue since when we first got together, I was just absolutely besotted with him and thought I could deal with it and sort of but that hasn’t worked.

Definitely agree with the life’s too short comment!

That is quite a drip op

Karatema · 06/05/2025 19:08

Oops, sneezed as I was voting - YANBU.
My DH was a bit like this because I was his first intimate girlfriend and I’d had a previous long term boyfriend. I told him to grow up or ship out, neither of us could change the past.
He chose the former hence he’s my DH. It’s only been mentioned once since and I didn’t let him get away with it!

toomuchfaff · 06/05/2025 19:11

His emotions are not your responsibility to manage.

I'd be telling him quote clearly that this has been discussed, it lives in the past, you did nothing wrong, you're not apologising or being dragged over the coals any longer. When he brings it up again, don't engage - I've told you I'm not willing to docuss this further.

Repeat to infinity.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/05/2025 19:12

You need to tell him that the next word you hear about it is the end of the relationship.

And mean it.

My exh used to throw back at me that I used to have a very messy room when I was at University - before I met him! 😂

StormCloud52 · 06/05/2025 19:13

Is he controlling and jealous in other ways too? My ex was like this about all (at the time two. Considerably more now 😂) the people I’d slept with before him. Got the whole ‘I can’t get over it’, ‘it makes me depressed and angry to think about it’ rubbish, but I was young. It was the tip of the iceberg.

I agree with PPs. Don’t support him. Tell him to get a grip or fuck off. It’s absolutely pathetic.

Pinkissmart · 06/05/2025 19:15

Jesus. He's pathologising a very standard fling you had before you got with him?

Honestly, I would tell him that his jealous and controlling behaviour is going to drive a wedge between you.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 06/05/2025 19:25

Just wondering if this old bloke coming back at work is coinciding with anything particular going on in your partner’s life just bad timing

Changmeagainname2025 · 06/05/2025 19:27

Valuethatoflife · 06/05/2025 18:28

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. A few years before we got together while I was having a bit of an off the rails time, I had a fling with a manager at work. It was never anything more than what it was and ended when it was found out by others at work. My OH got to hear of this before we had anything between us as we work in the same field.
Once we were together it became clear that this subject played on his mind, and has been brought up numerous times whenever there is an argument etc. I have always said that as it happened well before we were together he needs to work on it and have offered to support this but will not accept it being thrown around as an insult etc.
OH went to a work event and saw this old manager, who I no longer work with, now they may be working in the same company and OH has started to act cold and keeps saying snide remarks etc.

AIBU to expect him to deal with it, with my support and get over it?

What a freak. Who even does that about a fling BEFORE you were together? Who does he think he is where he's treating you like youve had some sort of affair behind his back?

He would give me the absolute ick

DrUptonsNebulousDogwhistle · 06/05/2025 19:31

Voted YABU thanks to bastard phone freezing mid-scroll.

Agree with PP to totally downplay it with a dismissive ‘yes, it was a bit of fun, it was 14 years ago’. What was HE doing 14 years ago?!

Also, this might be a bit of a weird leap, but maybe he’s into the hotwife / cuckold dynamic and secretly he gets some kind of kick out of it?

GeorgianaM · 06/05/2025 19:31

He is pathetically childish. That would be a huge turn off and I couldn’t see a future with him.

whitewineandsun · 06/05/2025 19:51

There's so much wrong with his attitude to this, and he needs to grow the fuck up. I would hate being in a relationship like this. I actually find it controlling because his insecurities are having a negative effect on your life, and you have to use energy on appeasing him. Fuck that, honestly.

BountifulPantry · 06/05/2025 19:53

It’s really pathetic. You weren’t even together…

Refuse to engage. If he raises it in an argument just walk away. Don’t explain. Don’t comment. Don’t respond. Neutral face and walk away. You can come back to the actual issue you’re arguing about when you’re both calm.

DuchessOfNarcissex · 06/05/2025 19:53

Sod that. I had something similar from a partner (apparently I fancied a fellow student, and the only reason I went out with him was because the other guy was seeing someone ).
You can't win with this one.
See a divorce lawyer.

Stubtoe · 06/05/2025 19:55

Given your last post / drip, your OP should have added to your opening sentence

Me and OH have been together for 10 years, bought a house, kids etc. that

he has suffered from insane baseless jealously ever since we got together and it’s never eased up

Butchyrestingface · 06/05/2025 19:59

Was this manager married?
Did your husband think you were a virgin?

Either way, he isn’t going to get over it. He’s been an insane, jealous loony since you met him and you KNEW he was an insane, jealous loony and you decided to marry him and have kids with him anyway.

Tell him if he wants this marriage to continue, to shut his trap and never breathe another word about this guy again.

Pleatherandlace · 06/05/2025 20:04

I think theres some deep routed sexism behind this kind of behaviour. Were you supposed to have “saved yourself” for your partner? Women have sex, he needs to get over it. Don’t support him. If he brings it up again, which he will, tell him to fuck off.

RamsaySnowsSausage · 06/05/2025 20:08

I used to have an ex sometimes pull over dramatically when we were in the car and burst out crying that he couldn't handle "my past". I'd had 2 or 3 partners before him. That he knew about before we got together. And I'd apologise and comfort him.

Jesus christ on a bike...never again.

More ashamed of me than I am of him!!

He is doing this to score points and to "win" and to make you feel bad. No real, loving partner would ever, ever do that.

Being temporarily insecure and needing some reassurance is one thing but dragging up a spouse's private past from before you met is meant to shame you and make you feel guilty and responsible for his shit moods.

He will never 'get over' this because it suits him massively not to.

Ltb

Candlesandmatches · 06/05/2025 20:10

Look up retroactive jealousy. Personally I think it’s like a horrible form of jealousy with anxiety added in and control. He needs to go off and get some help. Any talking about it between the two of you just feeds it.

MattCauthon · 06/05/2025 20:15

This probably won't be helpful but shortly before I met dh I had a ridiculous fling with a man who subsequently turned out to be the estate agent on our first house together.... I was mortified. Dh thought it was hilarious.

Your dh is veing ridiculous. This is a HIM problem and he needs to deal with it.

Kateb12 · 06/05/2025 20:30

Hes just embarrassed aeint he. He goes to work and everyone knows that so and so has slept with his wife. If it's been over 10 years though hes probably not going to get over this 😅

OhBow · 06/05/2025 20:31

Agree with pp who had the same experience, he wants to make you feel bad.

That's insurmountable imo.

Also from experience on here, he himself could be cheating. I'm so sorry, it's crap for you.