3 year old breaking down because he doesn’t want to go to nursery

[doesntwanttogoto]

My 3 year old has never absolutely loved going to nursery. He’s been going since he was 18 months. He’s done everything from 3 days a week to 5 days a week. H was OK when he was going regularly. Any holidays or prolonged absences would always throw him off.

he’s recently started at a new preschool nursery and this morning he was an absolute mess. As soon as he woke up he started screaming that he didn’t want to ever go to school again. When asked why ? He just says because he wants to stay at home with mummy.

I had to dress him while he was just jumping and crying and screaming and taking his clothes back off. He was having a huge tantrum and just wasn’t having any of it.

I have never seen him like this before and I’m quite concerned. I think I did the right thing in just getting him there, as otherwise he may expect if he behaves like that- I will keep him at home.

but I feel pretty bad and sad for him. I’ve never seen him act like that.

please tell me you would have done the same thing ? I feel like such a monster.

You were right to get him to nursery to show that his behaviour won't help him get his way.

He's only 3 so it's going to be hard for him to help you understand why he's so reluctant. There might be something serious going on here - a bully, overstimulating, exhaustion, anything. Try to ask him tonight, why doesn't he like nursery. Ask the nursery what he's like there.

It would be wrong to ignore this and just keep forcing him to go without figuring out his distress, but you did the right thing this morning.

Does he have to go? If you could keep him at home, I would, tbh. School is different but when they are still so little, I think they aren’t necessarily helped by being made to go if you can avoid it.

Is he going so you can work? If so, yes, you did the right thing by taking him in.

If not, then I would have kept him at home today or at least taken him in later once I'd managed to calm him down.

This isn't 'behaviour' it's an emotional reaction. They're quite different.

yeah I work full time.

You have done the right thing.

Mine did this too for a short while. I found rewarding the good days - stickers on a chart and a small prize (park/swimming/book) for collecting 5 or 6 stickers got me more of the behaviour I wanted.

Reward all the small bits, shoes on without messing, in the car without messing, lots of praise and thank you.

Establish a regular treat if going the park for all the good days.

Also speak to nursery out of ear shot to check everything is ok and nothing has changed.

You did the right thing for a new situation, but if this starts to become a recurring issue please move him (or consider keeping him at home) rather than escalating with forcing him in, punishing, trying to make home dull so he is more keen to go etc - you will just harm him and your relationship without addressing the issue in that case.

@doesntwanttogoto We had this at the same age OP. Although, DS didn’t start nursery at all until 3. I truly believe you’ve done the right thing.

How long ago did he start the preschool nursery? Has he been like this since starting? Has anything happened recently that may account for the change in attitude?

Has nursery said how he is when he’s there?

My son did this when he was in reception. Had a full-on melt down. I phoned the school (they could hear the screaming in the background) and I just had to tell them he'd be in late. And I had to let work know I'd be late too. I literally couldn't get him out the door. I did take him in later when he'd calmed down a bit.

Rewarding a child for not showing you how upset they are isn't a good precedent to set.

You did the right thing today getting him there, but you could look at alternative childcare options. He mine happier in a smaller nursery where it isn’t as overwhelming, or maybe with a childminder instead so he gets more individual attention

In my years of teaching experience, the children who come into primary one having only been at
home previously hugely struggle. Even a few hours a couple of days a week is a massive help to prepare them.

Sending hugs OP. These situations are so hard. I always feel like the worst parent when DD (or DS when he was little) do this.

DD is also 3 but been attending nursery full time since 11 months. Ours tends to coincide with our eldest school holidays. The week after we have a few days of DD kicking off to leave the house but as soon as we are out the door she is fine. It's like she's registered the DS had a different routine the week before and so she wants a different routine.

We are also having huge tantrums around doing anything that she doesn't want to so I sort of linked the two.

he has said that his teacher shouted at him and he got told off and he’s afraid of her. Then the next day he told me that his teacher said he wasn’t naughty.

I am going to try and pick him up after school at 3:30 pm, rather than after school club at 5-5:30 pm and see if that helps the situation. It’s going to be very hard with work.

i don’t know if I could perhaps request a flexible working thing for the summer term only ? I need to log off by 3 to pick him up. But I could try logging back on after he’s in bed to get a couple of hours of work done.

DD was a bit like this for a short while, as were other kids at the nursery from speaking to other parents. There was no rhyme or reason to it, the nursery was excellent and she previously loved going. The only solution was to manage the tantrum and take her regardless. It was tough - I remember one morning she literally had to be dragged off me almost. However, she was invariably fine once the day started and happy and smiling at pick up.

No i wouldn't have sent him. Children should be listened to and not ignored just because they are young. He will need to go to school and that in 2 years time will give him time to grow up a little bit.

I didn't force my ds's into nursery at 3 when they made it clear they didn't want to go. I let them have the time with me they wanted and needed.

And now they are young adults, secure and independent and flown the nest for bigger and better things.

@ssd This is all well and good if you don’t need to work but lots of parents do

On a side note. If it helps my 12 year old had similar tantrum this morning. He had adhd but I'm mean really.

You did right thing. Keep routine. School isn't optional. If all else fails reward promised the night before if he can get ready like a big boy in the morning.

Yeah cos working parents have that luxury

Awesome job sticking the knife into op when she is feeling awful

You did the right thing. Remind him that mummy will be at work and not at home but that she'll (or daddy) will be right there at pick up time after story time (or whatever) to get him.

I'd have a chat with nursery and maybe they can do a visual timetable so he knows when the end of the day is coming. He'll soon adjust to the routine.

You can acknowledge his feelings but you can't give it to every whim just because he's upset. It's like any other tantrum really.

She asked for opinions. I have her mine. I gave up loads to get a job thar worked round the kids, i always worked. Sometimes you need to put your kids before your lifestyle.

Are you sure the nursery is a good one? Maybe he’s not being treated well there and it might be best to look at another? I’m not anti nursery - I went back to work when my dd was 6 months old and I had to use a nursery but thankfully she was very settled there. (She’s now 21!) However, I always hated nursery and school so I do know for some children they just hate it. It seems such an extreme reaction though I wonder if he’s had something negative happen to him there.

My older child went to nursery there too and thrived. Maybe it’s a bit more structured and bigger than the nursery he was at before.

Were you happy for your DH to put his lifestyle before his kids then? Or did he also do the same?

You never get 2 the same.
Maybe a childminder would suit him better,?

How does that realistically work for parents who work?

OP has said she works, so unless you’re suggesting she quits her job, your advice is only going to make her feel guilty for working.

Most families now need a dual income to meet the rising cost of living. For many, working isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity.