3 year old breaking down because he doesn’t want to go to nursery

[doesntwanttogoto]

My 3 year old has never absolutely loved going to nursery. He’s been going since he was 18 months. He’s done everything from 3 days a week to 5 days a week. H was OK when he was going regularly. Any holidays or prolonged absences would always throw him off.

he’s recently started at a new preschool nursery and this morning he was an absolute mess. As soon as he woke up he started screaming that he didn’t want to ever go to school again. When asked why ? He just says because he wants to stay at home with mummy.

I had to dress him while he was just jumping and crying and screaming and taking his clothes back off. He was having a huge tantrum and just wasn’t having any of it.

I have never seen him like this before and I’m quite concerned. I think I did the right thing in just getting him there, as otherwise he may expect if he behaves like that- I will keep him at home.

but I feel pretty bad and sad for him. I’ve never seen him act like that.

please tell me you would have done the same thing ? I feel like such a monster.

So how did you manage to work?

Come off it @ssd you’ve been here long enough to know that what you are saying is highly incendiary. And your faux “don’t make this into a SAHP v WOHP debate” naïveté doesn’t wash either - that’s what you started as well you know.

Plus, “get a high earning husband and put your career on hold” isn’t exactly a solution that OP can put into place tomorrow is it? 🙄

@doesntwanttogoto that sounds really distressing. Can you chat do his key worker if you can pick him up earlier today??

Lol my eldest ( who had been at nursery from 3.5 months old) went through a crying and not wanting to go stage at about 3. Nursery workers peeled her off me and took her in. 2 mins later I could see through the little window to the room that she was playing quite happily. Was all done for my benefit

A lot of them do that coming into school! When I have a primary one class I always take photos and upload them on the parent communication app very early in the morning so they can see that the little one who was prised off them screaming is now having a fab day while they are no doubt at work worrying! I’ve phoned parents to check in at break time too if a child has had a particularly bad morning - 9/10 times they settle and the poor Mum/Dad is in a worse state than them! Obviously on the rare occasions where kids aren’t settling at all we’d work with the family to try to investigate why.

Mine did this. It didn't get better. 6 months later and he doesn't go anymore - he did stop crying and getting upset but he never loved it and he'd come home a ball of rage, which he was never like when he was with us.

It's a juggle now, but it's better for all of us. I couldn't make myself feel okay with "losing" this year to him feeling so sad and angry, when he didn't absolutely have to.

How can I best try to get out of him what he’s unhappy about ? Like I said, he usually says he just wants to be with me.

but he also mentioned he was afraid of a teacher who shouted at him, but then the next day she told him he wasn’t naughty.

the reason I moved him from his last nursery was that around 6 months ago, I was getting complaints every day about his behaviour from the staff. I tried to investigate and they told me that essentially he was bored and acting up because of it. His behaviour then improved a lot, once they found ways to keep him stimulated. He really likes to do chores and help out and cause and effect/ logical things. He likes to put things where they belong and notices straight away if things are not how they should be. I think they encouraged that kind of behaviour from him and managed to keep him busy and occupied / stimulated.

as there were so many issues there at one point though and he hated going so much, I signed him up to the new place where his sis is.

by the time he left, the reports about his behaviour stopped and he was pretty happy there ( except after long breaks ). He’s a bright little boy, he speaks a lot and understands a lot of things for his age. He is very observant. He needs a lot of interaction though and really seeks out adults. Anyway I’m not sure why that’s relevant. But just explaining what he’s like. He’s not exceptionally bright or anything, he just seems quite switched onto things. He’s the youngest child in his new nursery. But again, he was about to move into the preschool room at his old nursery anyway so things would have changed for him there too.

Role play? See if you can help him express any of it during playing pretend.

My DD went to nursery full time because I had to work. She didn’t always want to, but I’m willing to bet she’d have wanted to be homeless less. She’s also secure and independent and flown the nest. Bigger and better things is an odd tag in this context. What do you mean?

’lifestyle’? Yeah, very selfishly my chosen lifestyle was having a roof over our heads and food.

Check out Erica Komisar.

He’s 3, he’s trying to tell you that he doesn’t feel safe at nursery but is too young to explain exactly why. He’s doing his best to beg you not to take him. It’s up to you whether you ignore him or not. I ignored my daughter when she refused to go to primary school and she wound up with a whole bunch of trauma and stress related illnesses.

There may not be any real underlying reason. He has been moved to a new setting, with new teachers, new children and new routines. The summer term is also the busiest in school nurseries as this is the last intake of the school year and the nursery will be at capacity. You need to give him time to adapt. I also found that the school nursery was more focused on being school ready than the private nursery my children had previously gone to, which was more homely.

Was there any reason for moving him seeing as he was settled at his old setting?

It’s hard to tell with childen - if it carries on I would be more concerned but also have a word with the staff

I did write a post on here explaining why. Take a look.

There's really no need to be so smarmy. For starters, it's never a good look and secondly, boasting that you can afford to be a SAHM often comes back to bite you on the arse.

And how did you put food on the table, oh saintly mother?

I'd let the staff at the new one know what helped at his last one. It might be that he is understimulated, for whatever reason that is. He does sound quite similar to both my DS1 and DS2. DS1 is at secondary now and is very bright. DS2 has been IQ tested (because it's a thing they do where we live, not because we opted for it specifically!) and is apparently average but is quite hyperactive which is probably stemming from the same understimulation. Both of them needed to be kept busy.

Since you know what helped before, you probably don't need any mass investigation to work out what's going on here, it will likely be a similar pattern. But since he does seem to need more occupation than other children it is worth letting the staff know so that he can build up a positive experience here before he moves up to school, rather than having the same thing happen again where he becomes disruptive first and then they have to solve it.

Small children can't always interpret or explain their own emotions. My friend's 5yo had a lengthy crying fit over the weekend because his brother was going to the park, and he both wanted to go with him but also wanted to stay home. He also later cried because he wanted to go on a bit of playground equipment but was scared about it. When asked about things he says "it's too hard to choose" - he gets tired and upset and both wants to do things but is scared or worried about them, or doesn't know how to prioritise. Sometimes adults have to step in and explain that XYZ needs to happen, it's okay to have mixed feelings about things, but if it's not possible to stay home then that's that.

I’ve asked him how he was today and he said someone hit him. I then asked what happened and he said ‘ nothing ‘. Then I said but you said someone hit you ? Where did they hit ? And he said no where, no one hit me… and was laughing…

then he said the same teacher told him to sit down at the back. I don’t want to over probe though.

the teachers said he was fine today but just seemed tired. That’s all I got. After I sent a lengthy email telling them what happened.

I would say don’t pick him up early because you can’t sustain it and he’ll expect it going forward. My daughter struggled at this age but we pushed through it with lots of reassurance and cuddles from staff and she is well adjusted now as an older child.

Good way to guarantee a spoilt brat.

That's long hours for a 3 year old.
I don't know your situation but if I could keep him by me I would, otherwise I'd get him as early as possible.

Maybe try some more specific questions and not immediately after you pick him up.

''What was your favourite part of nursery today?''
''Did anything make you laugh at nursery today?''
''What didn't you like about nursery today?''

Things like that.

I saw. You said his behaviour was an issue but then things improved. This suggests to me maybe he takes time to settle and for staff to know him and his needs. Yes he might have been moving to the preschool room, but there still would have been familiarity in terms of it being the same setting and potentially seeing the staff from the younger room. You have pulled him out to a completely new setting and expect him to be ok with this, despite knowing he had trouble at his previous nursery initially. I would have waited to see how things went when he moved up to the new room before making the big decision to change completely. At least staff at the previous nursery would have known him and been able to share information with the staff in the new room.

The teachers won't have time to send lengthy responses to something that will be quite common. Informing them a child had a tantrum and didn't want to go to nursery will be something they will have heard from many parents over the years, and will be seen as normal behaviour. Yes to you it is not normal for your child, but they haven't had this experience of change yet and you have mentioned they had behaviour issues initially in their previous nursery until they found their feet and staff got to know them and what works well.