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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 year old breaking down because he doesn’t want to go to nursery

95 replies

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 09:44

My 3 year old has never absolutely loved going to nursery. He’s been going since he was 18 months. He’s done everything from 3 days a week to 5 days a week. H was OK when he was going regularly. Any holidays or prolonged absences would always throw him off.

he’s recently started at a new preschool nursery and this morning he was an absolute mess. As soon as he woke up he started screaming that he didn’t want to ever go to school again. When asked why ? He just says because he wants to stay at home with mummy.

I had to dress him while he was just jumping and crying and screaming and taking his clothes back off. He was having a huge tantrum and just wasn’t having any of it.

I have never seen him like this before and I’m quite concerned. I think I did the right thing in just getting him there, as otherwise he may expect if he behaves like that- I will keep him at home.

but I feel pretty bad and sad for him. I’ve never seen him act like that.

please tell me you would have done the same thing ? I feel like such a monster.

OP posts:
ssd · 06/05/2025 10:55

SouthLondonMum22 · 06/05/2025 10:52

Were you happy for your DH to put his lifestyle before his kids then? Or did he also do the same?

He didn't need to, i did it. We are a couple, it was our choice. Trying to turn this into a feminist issue or a sahm v wohm issue is boring and beside the point. Sometimes parenting involves putting your kids first. Not a popular view here at times right enough. And very hard to accept for some. But its true.

Readytohealnow · 06/05/2025 10:59

he’s recently started at a new preschool nursery

Here's your answer. It's new and scary. Especially if he is a kid who thrives on routine and doesn't like change.

Keep sending him in. Don't give the tantrums too much attention. Just be matter of fact and bright and breezy at drop off.

Endofyear · 06/05/2025 10:59

If he regularly stays until 5/5.30 that's a long day for a 3 year old. If you could get some flexibility from work to pick up at 3, I would, at least for a while. If it's a relatively new change to preschool it might just take him some time to settle. Have a chat with the teacher too and find out how he is when he's there.

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 11:00

Yeah I’m going to speak to my manager about it. I’ll just say I need it for a while until he gets used to it. I’m sure it will be ok if I just get my work done at other times.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 06/05/2025 11:01

ssd · 06/05/2025 10:55

He didn't need to, i did it. We are a couple, it was our choice. Trying to turn this into a feminist issue or a sahm v wohm issue is boring and beside the point. Sometimes parenting involves putting your kids first. Not a popular view here at times right enough. And very hard to accept for some. But its true.

It isn't beside the point at all when it is largely women who are judged for not putting their children first when they are working to provide for them whilst men generally merrily carry on as they were with no judgement.

Not to mention the fact that 'putting your child first' doesn't mean giving in to every tantrum. A 3 year old doesn't know what is best for them, they are 3.

SummerInSun · 06/05/2025 11:02

ssd · 06/05/2025 10:39

No i wouldn't have sent him. Children should be listened to and not ignored just because they are young. He will need to go to school and that in 2 years time will give him time to grow up a little bit.

I didn't force my ds's into nursery at 3 when they made it clear they didn't want to go. I let them have the time with me they wanted and needed.

And now they are young adults, secure and independent and flown the nest for bigger and better things.

Why did people post things like this?!? The OP has already confirmed that she works full-time, that she is going to try to change her working patterns even though her work won’t like it to shorten his day., lovely for you if you could stay home full time with your kids but most people can’t. Give the OP a break.

Quadrangle · 06/05/2025 11:02

user2848502016 · 06/05/2025 10:12

You did the right thing today getting him there, but you could look at alternative childcare options. He mine happier in a smaller nursery where it isn’t as overwhelming, or maybe with a childminder instead so he gets more individual attention

I agree with this.

FanofLeaves · 06/05/2025 11:04

ssd · 06/05/2025 10:39

No i wouldn't have sent him. Children should be listened to and not ignored just because they are young. He will need to go to school and that in 2 years time will give him time to grow up a little bit.

I didn't force my ds's into nursery at 3 when they made it clear they didn't want to go. I let them have the time with me they wanted and needed.

And now they are young adults, secure and independent and flown the nest for bigger and better things.

What a superbly understanding employer and stable financial situation you must have had.

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 11:11

I go to the office 3 days a week and already have to leave at 4 pm to get my kids. So it’s going to be tricky. Colleagues already comment when they see me leaving at 4. My manager knows that I need to leave early but to get him at 3:30 I would need to leave at around 2-2:30 pm.

I will have a chat but they won’t love it. Office attendance is very important to them. But I don’t care tbh. My child is more important than their stupid appearances. If they don’t like it, they can fire me. I’ll find another job, no issue in my industry.

my boss keeps calling me out of the blue at 9 am on the dot or just before 5 too. And I’m starting to feel like he’s checking up on me. He’s in a different country.

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 06/05/2025 11:26

FanofLeaves · 06/05/2025 11:04

What a superbly understanding employer and stable financial situation you must have had.

This. Also it’s ok to say you were happy to sacrifice your lifestyle but what about your kids lifestyles? We could pay the bills and no more on one of our incomes but there would be no extra curricular activities, holidays, days out, etc. I wouldn’t ask 9 year old to give up her expensive dance classes, for example, so that I could work less, because she loves it and is thriving.

FanofLeaves · 06/05/2025 11:28

ssd · 06/05/2025 10:47

She asked for opinions. I have her mine. I gave up loads to get a job thar worked round the kids, i always worked. Sometimes you need to put your kids before your lifestyle.

Maintaining secure employment isn’t a lifestyle choice.

Ablondiebutagoody · 06/05/2025 11:36

It's to be expected that a 3 year old would prefer to hang out with Mum but you did the right thing. Our job is to teach them independence and this is one of the steps on that journey. Plus you have to work so needs must.

After school club does make it a long day though. If you could ditch that, it would make a massive difference to you both. My DS hated ASC all the way through primary. When we worked out a way to avoid it, life was so much brighter for everyone.

Teenybub · 06/05/2025 11:37

I know mornings are hectic enough, but could you maybe offer 20 minutes in the park before school so he is excited to get out of the house for that? And it might be enough of a distraction to take his mind off of what’s ahead.

TaupePanda · 06/05/2025 11:42

Blimey a couple of these answers are pretty judgey. I hope you don't take them to heart OP, when I am sure you are already feeling a bit rotten about the situation.

I'll assume you have to / want to work, either for money, mental health or independence reasons. In which case, there is no choice and the kid has to go, either here or another setting.

In which case, the best thing to do is work with youe kid and the preschool to settle them in as best you can. I say this as the parent of 2 smalls who have never been happy to go in - my year 1 school child has the most tortuous meltdowns and has to be dragged in on occasion.

Some kids just don't like school / preschool.

That said, if it is a new environment it can be scary but that is very much temporary. Is there any way of making the transition gentler? My preschooler is in tears most mornings but we settle him in the sensory room, with cushions, books and special toy. He can have a friend or pick his favourite grown up to be with him. That's the routine and he often jumps up a few minutes later and goes off to play. A drop and go maybe won't work this early on.

Keep talking to your child so they feel heard but also it sinks it that this has to happen. My kids seems to think I play with toys and watch TV all day - not the case at all (I prefer to lurk on MN instead 😂). That might be the case for your preschooler after leaving a previously settled environment. From what I see, most kids get there in the end though and they are more prepared for school as a result. Good luck!

Mrsdyna · 06/05/2025 11:48

I was your kid, I just didn't want to be away from my family. Even though I had a lot of friends, school just messed me up.

I will add though that I eventually stopped crying and protesting because it made no difference.

BertieBotts · 06/05/2025 11:57

Talk to the teachers! Something is unsettling him. I would not see this solely as a preference when it's this extreme. Most children enjoy nursery, even if they have a bit of difficulty with the moment of separating from mum/dad or there is something REALLY exciting at home they want to get back to (screens or a brand new toy or whatever) or they just don't like being told what to do - you can see it's different because this upset is usually temporary, or by the time they get to nursery they have forgotten and they are excited about things and when they come out they want to tell you what they have done, they have stories about things they have seen and done, (maybe not immediately but over the course of a few days you hear about positive things they have done at nursery, or they'll point things out like "They have this toy at nursery!") they want to show you their paintings etc. Whereas when they are stressed out/unsettled by not really coping with something in the nursery environment, you don't get that. They are exhausted and/or emotional, they may have terrible behaviour all afternoon/evening, their distress at going is much more prolonged and extreme or specific, any mention/reminder of nursery puts them into a more black mood.

That IME means they aren't really coping.

Some children are overwhelmed by a busy preschool environment, he might be worried about a particular teacher - they might have noticed this, too, if he says he was scared because he was shouted at and told off, and then the next day the same teacher reassured him that they do not think he is "naughty" - now that could be a teacher who is overworked and stressed and is genuinely shouting and then apologised, it could be that there was another situation he saw where a teacher spoke very strongly to an older child about a safety issue, it could be that your child did something which was very alarming and the teacher felt they needed to make an impression, it could be that your child is more sensitive to tone and interprets an adult's firm voice as "shouting". It could be that his old nursery had a gentler, slower approach and the pace of this one is a bit faster and more robust or enthusiastic or their behaviour management is more rigid. It could be that the old one was stricter and in this one the rules are less clear, which is unsettling. It could be that he is quiet but they keep trying to encourage him to join in and he feels rushed/pressured. It could be a number of things. Talk to them. If you want to, phone up or email the old one and ask what their observations of him were, so you can contrast.

It could also be other children who are upsetting him. It could be that he is frightened of something in the toilets so he doesn't go to the loo all day and is then uncomfortable which makes it more difficult for him to manage emotions and behaviour. It could be that the food is different so he doesn't like it and isn't eating much and is hungry.

If you can open up a dialogue with the teachers they will likely find it helpful to know he is struggling to come in in the mornings, and they will be able to keep an eye on him and see if there's any support which might benefit him. For example, it might be that there's a quieter area he can use when he's feeling overwhelmed but he is currently not aware it's an option. They might be aware of some social dynamics and are thinking to let the children work it out, but now that they know it is causing stress around nursery generally, they could take a more active role in helping the children work through the issues. It might be that when he is feeling anxious, this shows up as disruptive behaviour and the staff are interpreting it as him needing a firm hand (which does work for some children) and not realising that the behaviour is anxiety driven for example, and could benefit from a softer or earlier redirection kind of approach.

If it's the new start which has unsettled him, it might be that having one member of staff work to build a closer relationship with him would be beneficial and then as he starts to feel more secure in that environment, they can back off a bit. If he is the type to observe quietly before joining in then it might help if they give him space to do that. All of this is much easier for them to do if you can talk to them and share your observations and what happened at the previous nursery and so on. I have a very sensitive child, who ended up moving nursery twice, once because we thought it would be helpful to move from a larger to a smaller setting, and then we were forced to move house and it was impractical to stay at the second nursery, unfortunately. Because he'd been struggling a bit at Nursery 1, I thought he could have a fresh start, I didn't want the staff at N2 to form a negative opinion before they even met him, I didn't tell them about the difficulties he'd had - this was a mistake. They assumed that because he was older than most of their new starters and had been to nursery before, he wouldn't need much settling in and would be fine so they sort of just chucked him in the group and let him get on with it. It made it really difficult because he did actually need more support to settle in, and because that did not happen, rather than settling he became more anxious and we saw the disruptive behaviour start again. Because the staff didn't realise this was an anxiety response they (fairly) told him off for it etc which meant that he had no chance of developing a relationship with them because he then didn't trust or like them. I realised my mistake, so when we moved to N3 and I was upfront about how he'd struggled, he had a much more managed intro more like they would offer for a younger child and he has fitted in much better and done well. His difficulties are still there but they aren't resulting in disruptive behaviour all the time.

If they notice a pattern like he's generally OK in the mornings but as the day goes on he seems to struggle to cope more, then it might be that while younger children are having a nap, he could also be taken either to the nap space or to a similar quiet space to do a calming, relaxing activity like a children's meditation or listening to a story on someone's lap. (For my child, I was surprised to find this helped enormously, even though he had long stopped napping at home - he REALLY needed that break during the busier day).

Do you have a partner? Any way to share drop offs/pick ups e.g. they drop off and you start earlier, then finish early and pick up? Or the other way around. I would not rush to do earlier pick ups if it's going to cause issues at work, unless it does seem like he's getting progressively overwhelmed and the "quiet time" doesn't help, then it might be worth considering. But I think I would first look to see whether the nursery can meet his needs in the current set up before you look to change the set up.

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 11:58

Mrsdyna · 06/05/2025 11:48

I was your kid, I just didn't want to be away from my family. Even though I had a lot of friends, school just messed me up.

I will add though that I eventually stopped crying and protesting because it made no difference.

Edited

Do you remember crying at 3 ?

I couldn’t wait to get away from my family when I was little haha.

my older one struggled with separating from me until she was 3. It was like a switch went off and then she was absolutely fine.

she started nursery at 2 years old and struggled for an entire year pretty much. But nothing like today’s meltdown.

my son just says he wants to be with me. He says he misses and and he gets sad when I’m not there with him.

he is able to express himself very well for his age. I told him the other day that I miss him as well when I’m working and he was really surprised, he said : ‘ you miss me when you’re in your office mummy ? Really ? ‘. It was very sweet. It was like he’d never realised before that I also miss him. I have told him before.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 06/05/2025 12:02

Hankunamatata · 06/05/2025 10:41

On a side note. If it helps my 12 year old had similar tantrum this morning. He had adhd but I'm mean really.

You did right thing. Keep routine. School isn't optional. If all else fails reward promised the night before if he can get ready like a big boy in the morning.

This isn’t school

Mrsdyna · 06/05/2025 12:04

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 11:58

Do you remember crying at 3 ?

I couldn’t wait to get away from my family when I was little haha.

my older one struggled with separating from me until she was 3. It was like a switch went off and then she was absolutely fine.

she started nursery at 2 years old and struggled for an entire year pretty much. But nothing like today’s meltdown.

my son just says he wants to be with me. He says he misses and and he gets sad when I’m not there with him.

he is able to express himself very well for his age. I told him the other day that I miss him as well when I’m working and he was really surprised, he said : ‘ you miss me when you’re in your office mummy ? Really ? ‘. It was very sweet. It was like he’d never realised before that I also miss him. I have told him before.

I was actually about 4.5. Yes I missed them all terribly. I just thought everyday, "why am I here?"
I just wanted to go home.

That's nice, my mum used to say her favourite time was the school holidays. It's good to hear that your family miss you too.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 06/05/2025 12:04

ssd · 06/05/2025 10:39

No i wouldn't have sent him. Children should be listened to and not ignored just because they are young. He will need to go to school and that in 2 years time will give him time to grow up a little bit.

I didn't force my ds's into nursery at 3 when they made it clear they didn't want to go. I let them have the time with me they wanted and needed.

And now they are young adults, secure and independent and flown the nest for bigger and better things.

Not everyone has that option.

Most small children start off not wanting to go.

If I "listened" to what they wanted for every little thing, no one would ever do their teeth.

I have no statistics, but from "anecdata" gained from my own extended family and friends, most nursery attendees also grow up to be happy, well-adjusted, secure and independent adults. (Mine are still little).

TheDivergentEnigma · 06/05/2025 12:09

My son was like this, he would be naughty from getting up, battling to get him ready, then the meltdown would start. It was horrid.
I stood firm and persevered, he settled eventually after several months of it. He ended up going to a different primary school a year later, and it almost started again. I reminded him of nursery, and how it all ended up fine, he'd made great friends and had fun. Something had stuck as other than being a bit clingy to begin with he settled in much quicker - he had learned that he could cope ok and just needed encouragement and reassurance.

I know some have indicated that sometimes you have to put your kids first. This was me putting him first - prolonging it would not have helped him at all in developing his resilience, and it would have prolonged the battle for me too!

Howmuchlongeruntilwegetthere · 06/05/2025 12:11

One of my DC used to scream if we so much passed the end of the road to nursery on a weekend and he’d absolutely melt down on nursery days. He was 3, it was a small quiet nursery, absolutely lovely staff who I completely trusted and a selection of toys he really liked, but he was massively anxious about separating from me. I insisted he went regardless - nothing bad was happening to him there and he was fine after he’d calmed down, he was just anxious and I don’t believe in letting children avoid hard things just because they’re hard. I’m glad I persevered, though it took a full term before he settled - no way a school reception class teacher would have been able to support him in the transition the way nursery staff could. I’m a SAHM so I didn’t need the childcare, but I did need him to be ready for school.

If you’re confident it’s a good setting and he’s being treated kindly then I’d absolutely keep going. Speak to nursery about how they can support him - we found it helpful to always hand him off to the same member of staff, who immediately went to the quiet sofa, sat him on her lap and when he was calm she read him his favourite story. He took a transition object each day. He had a visual timetable so he understood what was going on. They did some small group work with a couple of other boys to help him begin to make social connections in the class and feel part of things. We talked a lot at home about what he did and didn’t like about nursery, we reenacted nursery with his toys, we watched tv programmes where his favourite characters went to nursery and we read books about nursery. It all helped. He had settled by Christmas of his first year and although he had a small wobble at the start of reception he was generally pretty confident. Your DS will get there.

DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 06/05/2025 12:52

We had a little wobble last week with ours going back after the Easter break. She cried, didn't want to go, said she didn't like learning, wanted to stay home. It's heartbreaking to hear. When she comes out of nursery she's happy and chatty about all the things they have been up to though, so I don't worry really. Does he talk positively about his day when it's not the imminent pressure to leave the house?

Jane958 · 06/05/2025 13:23

I used to have to take one of my charges (was a nanny/housekeeper before going back to university to do a postgrad) to his pre-prep. Some days he was fine, other days he wanted to stay with me.
Luckily his teachers were brilliant. I took him right into school, hung up his coat etc. and took him to his classroom, all the while discussing what to have for supper and what he was going to do that day.
Then I would ask him to go to the window to wave goodbye (sometimes he knew I had to leave swiftly, as I may just have parked on a double yellow line).
To honest I felt dreadful, as I would rather have had him at home and he wasn't even mine!
If you are going to the office, perhaps you could sell pre-school as his "office" and let him help you get ready for your office?
Fingers crossed it is just a brief hiccup and all will be well again soon.

OneRareCritic · 06/05/2025 13:32

doesntwanttogoto · 06/05/2025 10:25

he has said that his teacher shouted at him and he got told off and he’s afraid of her. Then the next day he told me that his teacher said he wasn’t naughty.

I am going to try and pick him up after school at 3:30 pm, rather than after school club at 5-5:30 pm and see if that helps the situation. It’s going to be very hard with work.

i don’t know if I could perhaps request a flexible working thing for the summer term only ? I need to log off by 3 to pick him up. But I could try logging back on after he’s in bed to get a couple of hours of work done.

From this post I take it you work from home and he knows that. Also if it is a school setting the after school club will probably have far older children than he has previously encountered. A relative of mine had to acknowledge the change from a 'winding down gently' end to the day at nursery to a wide age range after school club was simply too much for a three year old. I suspect that if you manage to cut back to just school hours for a bit that will help.

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